Let’s go a little deeper….

So now we have it all…the nice cars, the big house, the great job, the perfect children, and the perfect marriage…right?This is what life’s all about right…this is what you work so hard for.

As for our business, let’s just say we had a contract with one of the “big” home improvement stores. My husband had landed 3 of these stores in the year that he handled the business. In comes me…I wanted more. I managed to bring us from 3 to 15 stores in about 6 months time. My husband was supposed to be building the business in other areas and helping manage employees. I had worked outside of the home over the years off and on…I was mostly a mom though. I was always at school, ballgames, functions…you name it I did it. My children always had the best of everything that I could manage for them. I always sewed their Halloween costumes etc., baked the cupcakes for the Christmas party. My husband was also very active in the school, he was PTA president, the whole nine. We always commented how so many times we were the only 2 parents who always showed up to every school function. We agreed on parenting exactly the same.

Back to work…so at this point my girls are grown and my son doesn’t need as much from me as he did when he was little. He needed more from his dad, my husband coached him in every sport he played and so on. I was used to having girls in the home with me and now I found myself as the odd man out. A boy usually prefers spending time with their dad, to their mom. This was definitely the case in my house. They were very close with each other. This left me with free time…so I threw myself into work. I worked everyday, even weekends. I worked anywhere from 50-60 hours a week.

During this time my oldest daughter was a junior in college and my youngest daughter was living in another state and doing well on her own. I was very proud of myself for what I had accomplished in such a short time with regards to work. I later realize that I did everything. Our employees answered to me, not my husband. Whenever he was in the office with me and the phone rang it was always for me. He couldn’t answer any of the questions on the other end. Everything was in my hands. Now this is the important part…this is the one mistake that I know I made…I would say that the only thing my husband was needed for was a name on a piece of paper ( he held the technical state license we needed to operate). As long as I had that piece of paper and he kept up with his continuing education hours for his license I could do everything else…and I did. We made very good money. We enjoyed our lifestyle, but something was missing. He would go his way and I would go mine.

I began to notice changes in my husband around Dec. 09, he didn’t seem to enjoy the holidays as much as usual, he was tired all the time. He had stopped doing things he loved. His favorite weekend pass time became napping in his recliner…very unlike my husband. He has adult ADD and was always very active. He loved tinkering in his garage, golf, boating. He even enjoyed cleaning the cars. He wasn’t doing any of these things. At this point our sex life was still pretty normal, we would average 3 to 4 encounters a week. But that slowly started to fall off. Then one day I remember sitting out on our porch and the neighbor across the street was in his garage watching football while his wife was inside watching something else, and my husband looked at me and said, “Is this it? Is this what life is all about? Are we done?” We both knew that we weren’t as happy as we should be, I mean we had it all right? This is when my husband started having problems with his prostrate. So off to the doctor we go. I found a pamphlet about low testosterone…that was it, he fit all of the symptoms. So he started on the meds for this…all that did was make him hostile. So much for that. Later I would realize after everything came out that my husband was suffering from depression. I couldn’t believe that I had not put those pieces together, it was just not possible. My husband was the most happy go lucky person I knew, one of the things I loved most about him, how could he be depressed?

This is where the denial began on my part. Now of course we had normal problems through out the early years of our marriage (growing pains), we had even gone to marriage counseling a couple of times, both of which were very helpful. I must divulge that my husband had a very brief affair during our 8th year of marriage. It was sex twice, nothing emotional, and there were no attachments. This was during a time when I wasn’t that sexual and we were struggling in the marriage. That had been totally forgiven and moved beyond…a distant memory that rarely crossed my mind. My husband had been totally devoted to me ever since. We had our son after this and had many very happy years in the marriage.

Now we were in year 22 of the marriage, I had entered my sexual years, I wanted it all the time and he struggled to keep up, but he tried. Now we move to May of 2010, this is around the time he met the other woman (OT). He was doing work in a night club that she bar-tended at. She was 13 years younger than him and very beautiful. My brother in law was the manager of this club so it was the topic of conversation a lot. At first he would talk about her to me, about how snobby she was, about how all the men wanted her, blah, blah, blah. She was also married for about 4 years. Around this time we started having some problems, we just felt a distance between us forming. He tried to mend this, a couple of days had passed and we had not really been talking to each other. I left that Saturday morning to go shopping without even saying goodbye. When I got home, JR asked me would I go somewhere with him, no questions, just pack a bag and go…of course I said yes. He had arranged an over night sitter and we headed off to the beach (our future home). We talked on the way down, a 2 hour drive, he asked if I thought we needed to go back into counseling, was I tired of the marriage, many things. By the time we got there we both were feeling better and made love as soon as we go there. It was very intense, I remember asking him how did he know that this was exactly what I needed, he said because it was exactly what he needed. We had always been big about going off by ourselves to get quality time together. We knew it was important to escape the world and just be alone sometimes. The rest of the night was wonderful, we went to our favorite restaurant by the water, sat outside as we always did. This place was special to us, it was ours…nothing else mattered. Perhaps this would be a turning point…maybe we would be ok.

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3 Responses to Let’s go a little deeper….

  1. hiddinsight says:

    I’m glad you are here and sharing your story. I am so interested to learn more. Thanks for being brave.

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