I know that in my upcoming posts I am going to write things that are not going to portray my husband in the best manner. However I feel it is only fair to share with you the man he has been for 23 + years for our marriage. The man I love and adore, the man I choose to share my life with.
The first thing you have to know about this man is that we met when I was 15 and he was 17 years old. I was pregnant with someone else’s child, I was in denial about this…it was a reality I did not want to face. Even so, I never kept it a secret from my husband. When I met him I was instantly drawn to him. If love at first sight exists..I felt it. He was a bad boy, and everyone warned me to stay away…I didn’t listen. We struggled at first, but we quickly fell into love. We were so different, but the same. I remember our first months together…he would kiss me in the night and stare at the moon..he called it our moon. I felt so connected to this boy. From the beginning he loved me and my child…he would tell me that he would give anything for her to be his…and when she was born, she was. He willing, and freely gave her his last name when she was born, he wanted so badly for her to be his. He loved her before she was born and loves her more than anything to this day. Not once in her 24 years has he ever treated or felt differently about her than the 2 children he fathered with me. She is his daughter in every way that mattered. He made this choice when he was only 17 years old, against everyone he knew’s wishes. This is how much he loved me.
This man had a way with me like no other, he could always make me smile…no matter how angry I was with him…something that annoyed me to no end…lol. It really sucks when you are trying to be pissed off at someone and they end up making you smile when you really don’t want to. I know, it could be worse. But every time he did that the anger just melted away.
Our children were so special to this man. Every night when our girls were little bath time was their favorite time of day. No matter how hard or how long this man worked he came home and gave those girls a bath and put them to bed…of course this was always before he played with them..getting them all hyped up right before bedtime…driving me crazy, they loved it. He was always a great father. Years later when our son was finally born this man would come home and walk our son for hours singing Earth, Wind and Fire songs to him until he fell asleep. In all of my years and all of the men I have known not another man that I have met comes close to my husband with being a dad.
This man has been the best husband in the world to me..I can’t think of a single thing in 24 years that I have ever really wanted that this man has denied me…not one. The word no was not in his vocabulary as far as I was concerned. He was always able to make me feel like I was the only woman in the world. The best compliment we ever received as a couple was from our son when he was about 9 years old. We were out to dinner one night and JR and I were looking at each other and talking and our son says to us, ” How do yall do that?”,to which we replied, “Do what”, and our son says, ” How do yall talk to each other like no body else is around, like it’s just yall two here?” It felt so good to hear that about us, to know that our son, so young, could see the love between the two of us. It was always like that with us.
JR always took great care of me, he always made me feel special. He would do anything I asked of him, no matter how crazy it seemed. He supported me in anything, and I did the same for him. We were unstoppable together. We laughed together, we loved one another. We loved our children, we loved the life we had built together. JR was the kind of man who gave speeches at family members weddings talking about how much he loved me and that he believed love conquered all. What he became during those 6 months that he spent with Nikki resembled nothing of the man that he truly is. The only pleasure I get out of that time is knowing that she really never knew him at all. The man that was with her, the man she knew was not my husband at all, that was not my JR. That was not the man that I had spent 22 years of my life with. That was a man that I did not know at all. He was a stranger to me. The man I knew adored his children and was madly in love with his wife…always. The man I knew would never do anything to jeapordize his family.
Sometimes I find myself questioning all of this with everything that had happened…did I have on rose colored glasses..but I think not. Even this past summer while sitting with my mother and my sister, (both of who knew about the affair) and helping her with her children…we mentioned something about men and I made a comment about JR always helping me and my Mother said, “But I have never known another man like JR, men just don’t do that much for their kids anymore. They don’t take care of children like that.” My husband is special and I know it. In spite of his affair, I simply do not know a better man than him. My grown daughters, who know what their father has done, both agree that he is the best man that they know. Outside of this affair, he is the best husband and father that any woman could ever pray and hope for.
All of this is why it has been so hard to understand why he would do this to our family. It is so unlike anything that I ever would have expected, it is so unlike him. He was our rock, my one constant. The one I depended on for everything. He was my life, my love…he is my life and my love, still. He is the one person who knows me as well as I know myself. I will love him until the day I die, and I know that his happiness is vital to my own.
My hope is that while I continue to write this blog and tell the tale of my hurt and the betrayal that I endured that anyone reading it will know that the man who did all of these awful things is not the man that I continue to share my life with…that man is dead and gone. The man that remains is my husband…my love, my rock and the best man that I know.
People will make mistakes, people will get lost, people will hurt you as they are hurting. I believe that is why we are capable of such great forgiveness.
I chose to forgive my husband and to hold onto the life we had built. It wasn’t easy, but if I was ever going to be happy again…I had no choice…you see, this man is my heart, without him I cease to exist…period.