The Truth Comes Out…Almost

The week of Thanksgiving my suspicions were in full force and I knew something must be going on with JR and Nikki. I also knew that somehow his phone would play a role in all of this because of how possessive he had become about it, he never had been in the past. I asked JR to create an online account so I could go in and see his phone records, he said he would. We make it through Thanksgiving weekend and I was at work Monday evening and he had gone to practice. I decided I would look at the records, my sister had obtained Nikki’s phone number for me so I knew what I was looking for. I called JR and asked him what his username and password were, half expecting him to say he hadn’t done it yet. To my surprise he had done it, and said quickly, “You’re not going to look at that now are you?” I said yes I was and he reluctantly gave me the info. I found out later that as soon as we hung up he called Nikki to tell her to be prepared. He had set up the account and had logged on himself days earlier so he knew what I would find. He was on high alert. They both decided to stick to the lie that they were just friends…period.

So I log on to his account and I perform a search with her number, this would only show me outgoing calls. I was stunned, in shock, I was shaking from head to toe, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t cry. I saw call after call, after call. The first one, the first time he ever dialed her cell phone he talked to her for 97 minutes straight. 97 fucking minutes, how dare he. More digging revealed that after they got physical she would block her number and it showed as an unknown number…well most people don’t spend over an hour talking to someone they don’t know. So after I figured it all out I saw that they spoke everyday for hours and when there were breaks in those phone calls (and there were a lot) it was because they were together. Then I checked his text messages, he averaged around 1500 a month, during the peak month of their affair he had over 5000, it makes me sick to my stomach even now. One day I found 19 calls from her that he had not answered. She would hang up and call back, hang up call back. (He says they fought a lot and this supports that information.) I call him at practice and tell him I know about the calls, I don’t want to hear any excuses or explanations, just come to the house and get your shit and GET THE FUCK OUT, I HATE YOU.

He calls her again and tells her to be prepared, he warns her because he knows me and he knows I will contact her, which I do. I decided to send her a message on FB. She responds by being very nice and willing to answer any questions…lying whore. She tells me that they are just really good friends, like best friends. FUCK HER, how dare her call my  husband her best friend.  That something just clicked between them, that he was so easy to talk to. They weren’t physical, just a hug hello and goodbye. LIAR. She knew that it was wrong to have a friendship with a married man, blah, blah, blah. I asked did her husband know, of course he did not and she went into panic mode on how to keep him in the dark. During one conversation she made her husband out to be some badass and said she didn’t know what he would do if he found out that he might come after JR, I said good, just tell him not to touch him if my son is there or I would have his ass locked up. So the back and forths start and I make JR promise that he will not talk to her anymore, he says he wont. She tells me that she really didn’t see anything wrong with what they were doing and swears she wont contact him anymore, in return I say I wont tell her husband who I had looked up on FB.

JR has gone to stay at his mom’s during this time. I continue to check his phone records, there are still phone calls, but very few, they had gone to texting mostly.  They do not see each other during this time. They are scrambling to figure out how to contain this mess they found themselves in. They were both stupid enough to actually believe that they wouldn’t get caught.

It is now Thursday and I can’t take anymore, JR and I have barely seen each other, we have barely spoken. I knew that they had to be fucking but they both hold tight to the lie that they had not. I decide to go visit my daughter who is in her senior year at UNC Chapel Hill and about 3 weeks away from graduating. I just needed to be somewhere where I could think clearly. I continue to go back and forth with Nikki trying to pull information out of her.

I couldn’t wrap my brain around this being the truth of my life. One day my daughter and I had decided to go to lunch, it had started snowing. When she turned on her windshield wipers I was stunned, They were in such bad shape I couldn’t see out of the windshield. I asked her why were they so bad, she said she had told her dad about it but he didn’t do anything. I told her to drive straight to and Advance Auto and we had new wipers put on. I was furious, she knew what was happening with her dad and I. She sat in that car and looked at me and said, you know he quit taking care of me too, he never gives me gas money when I come home anymore, he never calls me anymore, he doesn’t answer the phone when I call. I told her I was so sorry and we sat there and cried together. He had always been good about calling her just to see how she was and if she needed anything.  ( He has admitted that he would ignore phone calls from the kids when he was with Nikki, I hate him for that). At this point I still clung to the hope that maybe, just maybe, they were being honest, that they were not fucking, deep down I knew that wasn’t possible. I stayed there for 4 nights and decided to return home on Monday.

Things get a little blurred for me here, I was consuming large amounts of wine daily and completely numb. I went into detective overdrive mode. JR had made us an appointment with a counselor to try and help. When we had our first appt. I was nuts, I wouldn’t speak to him…I had a list of phone numbers that he had spent long amounts of time talking to and I wanted answers as to who they were. The counselor asked why we were there and his response was, “ we are here because of my infidelity” he was referring to his past brief affair. They had sex twice. He was so anxious, so unnerved. I whip out my phone numbers and accuse him of all kinds of things. He is so distraught he cant tell me who they are. The therapist suggests he call them on speaker phone, which he does. Two were friends, both that I knew and liked very much, 1 was a restaurant that he did work for, and the fourth was her…I can’t believe that I didn’t realize it was her number, that’s how out of it I was in that session. Its been 2 years and I still know her number by heart. He looks sick when he hears her voicemail pick up, he disconnects the call.  Later we decide to go to Olive Garden for lunch to try and wash away the therapy session. He goes to the bathroom and leaves his phone on the table with me, it rings…unknown number, I answer, they hang up. It was her. Later I message the whore on FB and tell her that it was me who dialed her number and that it was me who answered later when she called, that she had sworn to me that she wouldn’t contact my husband anymore and that now I knew what a lying whore she was, that I would stop at nothing to make sure that her husband found out about her and JR.  So the next day she ignored me on FB and then she blocked me…bad idea on her part. More about that later. She has still told her husband nothing about any of this, but she is completely freaking out.

My best friend Tammi has invited me and JR to go to her company Christmas party. They have rented out one of the local clubs and it should be a great time, this is on Dec. 10th. I am looking forward to it, and JR really wanted to go with me. We have fought off and on a lot for the past week or so, we have had 2 therapy sessions, whatever, they never help if the truth isn’t being told. The night of the 9th we end up fighting about something major, I think it was another phone call to her or something. I tell him to leave again, I don’t want him staying with me. I tell him he is no longer invited to the party. He hates this because he thinks there is a man that will be there that is interested in me and vice versa. This is completely untrue, I just wanted him to think this because I was hurting so badly.  Later I find out that Nikki was coming unglued, she was desperate to keep her husband from finding out. She was threatening to tell me everything if JR didn’t control me. She said if she went down he would go with her. She ended up calling him around midnight that night begging him to meet her, which he did at their hotel. He swears he was so upset that they didn’t fuck that night, he says he tried but couldn’t stay hard. He says she cried and yelled something like why don’t you go home to your fucking wife, you don’t want me anymore. He tries to reassure her that its just the stress getting to him…fucker. She was livid that he couldn’t fuck her. They ended up not speaking to each other the rest of the night, they both just laid in the bed, he says he barely slept. She gets up early and leaves without saying more than 2 words to him. I asked him later why he would do that, why would he risk staying the night with her when I was finding out so much. He says he knew she was about to cave and he knew the only way to control her was to giver her what she wanted which was him in the bedroom. Sick fucking mind games. I hate knowing that he laid in that bed with her that night, it was the only time they were together at night and it makes me fucking sick to my stomach.

Next we arrive at D-day, I need a break from the writing. This brings up so many memories for me and a lot of emotion. It exhausts me, but I want to get this out and done. I may try to finish later tonight after JR goes to bed, we will see. For now the wine flows, numbing my soul…

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14 Responses to The Truth Comes Out…Almost

  1. “…you know he quit taking care of me too, he never gives me gas money when I come home anymore, he never calls me anymore, he doesn’t answer the phone when I call.”
    This is what so many don’t get–those who cheat and regular people. They don’t get that there are more victims. People think the kids won’t know or if they do they won’t care. It’s sickening.

    • kayboo24 says:

      I still am very ashamed that I didn’t realize how much he had disconnected from the children. I guess it was out of sight, out of mind. I knew he was with our son for football and basketball, so I totally missed that he had stopped doing things with him at home, outside of organized sports. I was so blind, such a fool. I always had thought he was a great father and I guess that just carried through the time period during the affair. Love does this to you…there is nothing more true than these words…”Love is Blind”.

    • kayboo24 says:

      This was a whole new wake up call for him. For the first time in his life, I was not in the business of protecting him. I told everyone what he had done to our family. I was going to make him own this. Let him deal with the shame, let him explain to his children which he did when they came to him about it. Sometimes I struggle with that decision, to not protect him. My girls were grown and my son had already witnessed far too much. The damage was already done there. We did put our son in therapy for a while after everything came out. The girls worked through it fairly quickly on their own. I think in the end it was good that he had to be accountable to so many people. Made it all very real for him.

  2. Not Over It says:

    Hey Kayboo – I know how much it hurts to tell the story, especially the first time you actually write it down. It’s like a knife piercing your insides again and again. And yet it helps… it will help you get past it faster and more completely. Or so I’ve heard. I’m still working on it.

    I hate that this happened to you, too. I wish I could make it all go away.

    With much love & prayers for you,
    DJ

    • kayboo24 says:

      It isn’t fun reliving the pain, but I feel that it is important for me to get this out. I enjoy sharing and getting others inputs. It’s been theraputic for me to say the least.

  3. My husband also stopped being so involved with the kids, he still did stuff with them but he changed their routine. Like he stopped cooking breakfast with them. When it was time to buy our daughter a car, both times he just sent me off to do it. Mine avoided any responsibility, he only involved himself in the fun stuff and even then he’d be drunk and high.

    Having to play detective is the worst part. After my hubby told me of his affair I had to dig and dig for the truth and for answers, it was madding.

    My husband just read the book, how to help your spouse heal from your affair, in it says that if the betrayer lies and makes the betrayed spouse investigate to get the truth it’s more likely that the marriage will fail. That was very sobering for him to read. He was sure to point out to me that he was doing everything else a successful rebuilder is supposed to do and that today I do have the 200% truth about everything.

    But, the damage is done.

    • kayboo24 says:

      I agree, I will never understand why he drug me through the mud for months instead of just sitting me down and laying it all out there. I told him that every new truth just sent me right back where we started. All I ever wanted was the absolute, complete truth. He said he didn’t think I could handle it all at once. Even last week he shared a detail with me 2 years later that he had failed to tell me. It ties into some other things that happened last year, and it was like a light bulb came on because now some things that bothered me make perfect sense. That’s another post I plan on writing soon. I asked him why he hadn’t shared this with me before and he said he didn’t think I could handle hearing it before now. He always assures me that I know all of the important details, but I continue to find myself wondering, do I? I actually believe I do, it’s just very hard to get that trust built back up, and the smallest thing can wipe it back down to 0. I have also tried explaining to him that all of the details are important to me, all of them, every single little one!

  4. Our children suffered so very much from my husbands affairs. My 11 year old suffered from massive anxiety and for awhile needed to be in therapy and on meds, and I had no idea why. It’s heartbreaking. His affairs started when our 5 year old was just 3/4 months old.

    • kayboo24 says:

      Rarely does the betrayer think of anyone but themselves during an affair, such a hard reality to face. If my husband had not of been such a wonderful father I may have never forgiven him for those 6 months and what this put our children through.

  5. Shattered LIfe of a Jewish Housewife says:

    It’s just amazing how many of us this has happened to. My husband had an affair for 3 months. His “girlfriend” confessed to me over text. I still can’t believe it is true. He says he is sorry, he says it will never happen again. he says he hates himself for doing this to me, he says he went down the “slippery slope” and will never do it again. But how can I trust him again? How can we rebuild our relationship? I can’t believe this is my life.

    • Have you been to marriage counseling? They are (supposed to be) trained in helping couples through infidelity. I see couples who don’t go through counseling have repeats of infidelity or who get stuck in the trauma (or the betrayed is stuck and the betrayer can’t figure out why he/she won’t just get over it) and they didn’t go through counseling because they thought they could handle the repair on their own.

    • kayboo24 says:

      It’s very hard to come to terms with an affair. We went to counseling some and I read many books. He read some too. They seem to help. If you have been in a long term relationship I would suggest reading “To Good To Leave, To Bad to Stay”. It was a great book for me because we had been married for 22 years when this happened, it helped me to examine my marriage as a whole and not to exam just those 6 months during his affair. That made all of the difference.

  6. Kayboo,

    I have a question and I don’t really know where to post it–so you can take this off if you want. But I am wondering something about how each person handles and perceives this situation and since this post is about what I’m wondering…I’m posting here. Sorry.
    My situation began 7 years ago and the Bomb Drop was before his affair was physical. He disclosed a couple weeks after Bomb Drop (the physical part didn’t start until 8-10 weeks after Bomb Drop). I read that only 6 or 7% pre-disclose–yay luck me (pardon my sarcasm). Then his affair lasted for 3.5 years and he move in and out several times.
    But there was no discovery–disclosure before the fact may feel different and that’s what I’m wondering. I’m wondering if betrayed spouses who have a discovery of an already ongoing relationship go through their panic and anxiety differently than those who learn by admission and then can prepare (somewhat) for the next pain.
    I ask because I did some mild checking of phone logs and stuff–in year 3 mostly–and I felt that terrible anxiety every time I was logging in. But for the most part I don’t feel like I have a story like this. What I mean is I can tell my story and since there was not this suspense of not knowing what I was going to find, my retelling doesn’t take me back to that place. So I don’t know…I was just wondering from all the infidelity people if it is harder one way or the other. Funny, when in my situation I thought I had it so much easier than others…but no one else thought that! And let’s face it, it was 3.5 years and multiple moves in and out!
    But if there are some readers who had a disclosure rather than a discovery–especially a pre-sex disclosure, how does it feel to you versus how it seems to feel to those who had a discovery?
    I ask because I can’t imagine finding out about this out-of-the-blue or being suspicious ahead of time–noticing signs. Weird, I guess I’m wondering if there is a better or easier way to find out…and that probably is different for each individual.

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