…or send you spiraling down into the deep abyss of hell. The morning of Dec. 10th arrives, I wake up alone, he wakes up in a hotel with his whore. He comes to our house and takes our son to school. We don’t speak at all. I remember thinking how bad he looked. I spend the day in bed watching TV. I forgot to mention that the minute I found out about his “friendship” I announced that I would not be coming back to work. He seemed to have so much free time on his hands let him handle the office for a change, that’ll show him. He was quite pissed when I made this announcement. I remember the hate I saw in his eyes at that moment, a look I would come to know all too well, a look I had never seen on my husband’s face before.
The plan for the party went like this…Tammi’s husband was JR’s asst. coach. He really didn’t care to go to the party, and they had an away game that night. I had a big SUV and Tammi had several people who wanted to ride with her. I offer my car, so she is going to come to my house leave her car and we are going to take mine and grab the others on the way. Then she would safely return all of us home, she didn’t drink so that was nice for us, always have been a big fan of a DD.
Around 5 JR comes home to get ready for his game and to get our son. He always went with his Dad to the games. I have started to get ready for the party and was feeling pretty good about how I looked, JR noticed but new batter than to say a word to me. I could tell he was bothered by my appearance. Normally he would swoop me into his arms, kiss me gently, and tell me I was a beautiful woman and how much he loved me. I wanted no part of any of that garbage.
He leaves and goes to Tammi’s house to pick up her husband, they had planned to ride together to the school. When he got there Tammi told me that he said to her, “Please take care of her tonight, she’s a beautiful woman, and she’s hurting.” He was afraid that I would “hook up” with someone for revenge which pissed me off so bad, I had always been devoted to him. Tammi just looked at him and said, “JR, she wants the truth, just tell her the truth.” Later he told me that he had made arrangements to move into a friend’s apartment and had planned on taking me over there on Sunday to tell me about the affair and all of the gory details.
Just before Tammi is due to pick me up JR calls me, he is at his game and wants to ask me to please be careful at this party, he was really worried. I tell him what I do is none of his business as long as he is lying to me…here it comes, the admittance, I start screaming at him to “say it”, just tell me the truth, “say it” are you fucking her….silence, then those words I will never forget…”yes”. It felt like the floor dropped from beneath my feet. I lost my stomach, I couldn’t hear a sound, the room was spinning. I don’t remember much after that. I know I started screaming that I fucking hated him, that I wanted a divorce, that I would find a man to go him with that night, just to fuck them. I threatened him with the man that I knew he was worried about. I hung up and threw the phone and broke one of my favorite pictures. Tammi shows up and I tell her that he finally admitted everything, she is stunned. I am surprised at how quickly I manage to calm myself after this. We leave for the party, I tell Tammi to drive, I’m still shaking and think it best that I just ride. JR tries calling me several times, I ignore him. His game will be starting soon and then I know he will be occupied for a couple of hours. On the way to the party I decide to text the whore and tell her that her lover has just confessed all and what a lying piece of shit whore I know she is. I admit that I harassed her that night repeatedly calling her a slut, cunt, whore, you name it, I called her all of them. She threatened to call the cops, she was at a party with her husband and he was getting suspicious I guess, and I’m sure she was a ball of nerves at this point. I didn’t care, call the cops idiot, for what, truthful texts? FACT…She was a whore who fucked my husband for 6 months.
We are at the party and things start to register with me a little. I think at first you have that blind fury kind of thing going on. No tears about this, not yet. I start drinking, the more I drink, the angrier I get. I take a picture with “the man” JR is worried about and text it to JR. No words were necessary, he knew what I was implying. He was livid, text me back saying he would kill that motherfucker. Fuck him, what right does he have to me at this point, none as far as I was concerned. The night rolls on and I start to loosen up a little. I think at some point I may have decided to just stay the night at Tammi’s, I didn’t want JR to know where I was, I wanted him to think I had gone home with a man, hurt him anyway I could, that was my goal, of course I never would have messed with any man, it just wasn’t in me, but at least I could make him think I would. Around 11pm I get a call from my son, he is frantic, crying, he is mad at his Dad and wants me to come home. Apparently Nikki had been texting JR about me texting her and how to keep her husband from finding out, etc. My son had read some of these texts during the game and was extremely upset. I was enraged, how in the hell could he allow our son to get his phone knowing the kind of shit that was on there. He says he was so distraught he had left it in his coaching bag and my son had been on high alert for weeks now and was snooping a lot. He would even get my phone from time to time and try to read texts, I was better about erasing them. My son went a little bonkers for about 4-5 months during all of this. So I explain to my son that I have no way home to let me speak to his dad. I tell JR I can’t believe he has let this happen, that he needs to come get me immediately. He refuses, not wanting to see me at this point. I tell him if he doesn’t that I will get a cab and come home myself. My son is begging him to come and get me so he agrees. They arrive at around 11:30 and I get in JR’s truck, my son jumps into my arms sobbing. I calm him down, tell him to put on his seatbelt. He cries all the way home. I hated JR at that moment, pure, clean, absolute hate. I now know that there really is a very thin line between love and hate. We arrive home and go into the house, I take my son upstairs and get him into bed. I come down and JR is in our room, I try to corner him and he runs from me, like a child. I remember saying, “don’t you run from me, stay here and take it”. He slips away from me and runs to his truck and pulls away as quick as he can. I remember throwing something at his car, then hitting it and yelling I fucking hate you.
Back in the house, I go up check on my son, get him settled then head downstairs to my room. Then reality really starts to settle in. I was already drunk at this point, but not numb like I needed to be. (I must tell you that all of these events led me to do things I never even dreamed were possible for me, things that were so out of character for me that looking back on them now, it’s hard to believe that it was actually me that did them.) I grab a bottle of wine and start pouring, glass after glass, after glass. I begin to dig, start digging into the affair. I log onto JR’s phone records, which updates every 15 minutes. I can see that she had called him several times that night and he had spoken to her once, briefly.
This is where I headed into the abyss of hell. I am so lost, the despair has settled in, what was happening. Who was my husband, where was my husband? Was he with her, talking to her. Oh my God, was he going to leave me for her? Did he love her? It’s insane the things that go through your mind when you find out that the life you had and loved is one big lie. My life was over, I loved this man more than my own life and couldn’t imagine a life without him. How could I live without him? At this point my thoughts turn really dark…I knew I had a bottle of sleeping pills, 26 still in it, I counted them. I decide to take them, just some of them to help me sleep, to escape all of the thoughts and images of them together that were flying around my mind. I knew my son was there with me for now. I decide to text Nikki and tell her that she has ruined my life, that I was taking sleeping pills, hope she was happy, that this was all on her shoulders. I think at this point I have taken about 10 pills and at least one bottle of wine on top of the drinks at the club. She texts back, don’t do that, you have a family, blah, blah, blah. A family, a family that her and JR single handedly destroyed. I try calling JR, no answer, text him, no reply…nothing. I call again, no answer. Then an update on the phone records, Nikki calls him, he answers, they talk for 15 minutes. OMG, he ignores me and answers her, he must love her, he is done with me. He is meeting her, they are in love and now they can start their lives together. I am lost. I decide that I am done, I will end it all, but I have to be careful, I can’t let my son find me, it has to be JR. He has to find me, and then he has to explain to his children why they lost their mother and live with that for the rest of his life. Later he said Nikki told him I had taken sleeping pills and he didn’t believe her because he never dreamed I would do something like that, not even then. That was the phone call he answered from her that night. He didn’t understand at that time that the amount of pain and grief I was capable of feeling was matched by the amount of love I had for him. He was my everything and I thought I was his. I decided to text both of my daughters telling them how proud I was of them and how much I loved them both. I think its around 3 am at this point. I take a few more pills, drink more wine, I can’t believe I am still conscious at this point, how is that possible? Must have been adrenaline. I nod in and out till around 8 am which is when JR finally calls me. I tell him he has to come home immediately and get our son. He knows something is wrong. When he arrives I am barley conscious, he is panicked. I tell him to take our son to my sister’s, he can’t see me like this. I had about 5 or 6 pills left at this point. How am I still coherent after 20 sleeping pills and huge amounts of alcohol. He agrees to take him to my sisters which will take about 30 minutes round trip. He sees the pills, he doesn’t think I have taken many because I am still talking to him and making sense. He leaves, this is my chance, I swallow down the last pills with the remaining wine. That’s when it happens, I lose consciousness. I have very vague memories of JR standing over the bed, then paramedics rubbing my chest, calling my name. I remember being placed on the gurney. I do not remember being in the ambulance, or arriving at the hospital. The next thing I remember is waking up in the ER with an IV and JR standing there. I remember being enraged, full of hate. I said to him, “do you see what you have done to me, you have killed me, I want to die.” I will never forget how he looked. AT some point the had called our oldest daughter and she came, she was about 2 hours away. He is still unsure of exactly what he said to her. We needed her help with her brother. She came to the hospital, I don’t really remember seeing her there, but I do know that she came back to see me. JR says they talked out front and cried together. I start coming to a little more and they want me to drink charcoal, YUCK, I remember JR holding the cup trying to get me to drink it, I told him to drink it himself since this was all his fault. So after several, IV bags, 2 cups of charcoal, observation, and a meeting with the shrink on call I was released to go home. It was around 9pm, I was still out of it, I couldn’t walk on my own. All I remember was feeling rage and extreme despair at the same time. I had managed to cling to my phone through out the entire hospital stay, I had been texting with Nikki. I wanted answers. JR is completely freaked out about what I have done to myself, he is in a true state of shock, he has never seen my like this. We arrive home and our 2 children are there, I know that things could get ugly so I insist that they leave and go back to my sisters, reluctantly they leave. JR helps me into a hot bath where I start texting Nikki asking all kinds of questions. JR was also texting her at the same time begging her not to reveal certain things that he knows will be very painful for me to hear, he is concerned about the fragile state I am in. I was out of it. I get out of the tub and decide to call her, texting was taking too long. So I call her and put her on speaker phone and make JR sit there with me. I don’t remember much.
Are you in love with my husband?
Did he ever tell you he loved you?
Where did yall go the first time?
Where did he take you?
Oceanic/ Sleep Inn
Did yall plan to run away together or something?
Did he ever give you money?
No, he offered to pay my cell phone bill a couple of times.(lie)
Who paid for the hotels?
He always paid. (lie)
Did he buy you things?
A couple of times, a gift card, and a nightie from VS.
There were more questions I don’t remember most of them. I found out later that he was texting her the whole time coaching her on what to say. While in Wilmington they had actually gone to mine and JR’s favorite restaurant and sat by the water like we always did. She forwarded his texts to me days later, he begged her, not Bluewater, whatever you say don’t say Bluewater. She still wanted him and she thought if she cooperated she would still get him, stupid whore.
The night wears on, I hang up with Nikki and my fury turns to JR. I begin to beat on him and cry and curse and scream. At some point during this our daughter shows up again, she said she just had a bad feeling and wanted to check on us. I was still so out of it, I scream at her to get the fuck out, very unlike me), JR finally gets her to leave, he promises her we are ok. I begin to beat on him again. I remember standing in front of him at one pint with my fists balled up saying just stand still so I can punch in the face, I fucking hate you. Another memory of him in a ball on the floor and me kicking him, punching him, screaming. I have never experienced rage like that. He took it all, he let me beat him, he never laid a hand on me. He did the best he could to defend himself and let me get my rage out.
Next came the exhaustion, I was so done, I could barely move, or talk. All I had left were tears, and they were flowing. I needed comfort, the kind of comfort that can only be given by the person you love the most in the world, the person who knew you better than anyone. JR put me in the shower, got me out dressed me and put me in our bed. He then climbed in next to me and surrounded me with himself. He held me more tightly than he ever had in our lives that night. Every time I moved he would jump up and ask was I all right. it’s the strangest thing I have ever experienced in my life, but at that moment I felt safer in his arms than I had ever felt in my life. The next morning would bring a whole new mess of issues but that will be in the next blog, this one has worn me out, beat me down, and I need to get my mind on better things.
Also as a side note, I want to apologize for the grammatical errors, I always spell check, and then notice mistakes after I post, drives me N~U~T~S!!!! My OCD kicks in. I realize I could go back and change it, but whatever, let it stay as it is…lol.