So The Truth Is Out…Now What?

So the truth is finally out, now what do we do? I was all over the place in the beginning. I hate you, I love you. Get the fuck out, don’t leave me. I didn’t know what I wanted, I just knew that I hurt. I hurt in ways that I had never felt before. I ached everywhere, in my heart. I felt dead inside, I had no hope. I wanted answers, I needed answers. JR was not easy to get the truth out of, he was still worried about my state of mind. I remember about 4 days post Dday I was on the phone with his mother and he had beeped in, I rarely spoke to his mom on the phone so I didn’t want to end the conversation and figured I would call him when I hung up. A short time later he came bursting into our room frantic, he thought that I had done something to hurt myself again. He was so upset, I apologized, he made me promise to never ignore his call again, ironic isn’t it, when he had spent months ignoring my calls when he was with her.

I wanted to know everything. She told him that I made her feel cheap and like a whore when I was questioning her and asking if he paid for things for her. I’m not sure but I was always taught if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…it’s probably a duck, She was a whore. She was young and beautiful and used that to get what she wanted from men. I remember one day in October my sister telling me that Nikki and her friend got into some big fight about the owner of the club, he was a dog that used people and messed with all of the girls. My sister said she knew Nikki had slept with him. I remember JR coming home one day and I told him that Nikki had slept with D. He looked like someone had punched him in the gut. He hated D because of the kind of man he was. JR left quite quickly and later he said that he confronted her and that she cried and denied it, later he remembers that she had wanted to switch from days to nights so she could go back to school full time. When she asked D about it, he said sure if she would fuck him. She called JR so upset because she was distraught as to what to do about this, all I can say is that later she got moved to nights, of course she denies everything and the sick part is that my husband believed her. He couldn’t handle thinking that she would fuck someone besides him to get what she wanted. How pathetic. Later, after all of this came out D flew her to Fl on his plane because she needed to get away from all of this, geez wonder if she fucked him then? JR does believe she did then, not to mention he got a text from D saying thanks for sending Nikki running to me. It was all so sick and twisted.

This may have you wondering about Nikki’s husband. Well he did find out, Nikki had blocked me on FB so I found another person with her name, thought she had made a new one so I messaged that person. I wrote something about JR saying he was only with her for the sex and the control, blah, blah, blah. Anyway I get a reply from this person saying that I must have the wrong person, she does have a sister in law named Nikki married to her brother. I replied, your brother’s wife has been fucking my husband for 6 months and she’s lying to him. So now he knows too. We never heard from him, ever.

2 days after the ER trip I decide that JR has to get out. I tell Nikki this and say she can have him. What does she do, she moves out of her house. She asks JR where he is staying, what are his plans? He tells her he is staying with his mother and he plans on getting his wife back. She can’t believe this, this is when she turns on him. She had actually believed that the two of them would be together. She believed that he wanted a life with her. Did she honestly think that she would ever have been welcome in this family, by my children. She was delusional to say the least. Yes he did tell her he loved her, after she dropped the love bomb on him one day, what was he going to do, say oh I don’t love you? No, he was a manipulator, he told her what she wanted to hear.

She did bring some truths out, but I also found out that she lied a lot. It’s very easy to get information when you need it. I ended up going to the hotels they went to and lying and saying I was her to get copies of the receipts with her credit card and name on them. It took weeks, months for all of the truths to come out. Drag me through the mud, beat me up, let me heal, beat me up some more.

I went into this weird, crazy mode for a few months. I had this sense of urgency to prove myself to JR, it was sickening. It was like I was trying to win him back. I bought lingerie, planned romantic nights for the 2 of us. On Valentines Day that year I surprised him by cooking him dinner and then giving him a full  hour long body massage, then a happy ending, put him in a bubble bath and massaged his feet for half an hour. I sent him 2 dozen roses to our office and made his favorite dessert. I got a box of chocolates and a book that I had pointed out to him a few days earlier and said I would like to read that one day. We were at the bookstore buying books about affairs. I changed how I dressed, I tried to look younger, she was 10 years younger than me. I changed my hair, darker, like hers. I changed my make-up…everything. I felt out of control. We fought all the time. He hated talking about the affair. He was shutting down completely. He would answer with a lot of I don’t remembers, lies all lies. He knew every detail, he was scared to tell me.

March rolls around and I decide we should renew our vows in the very place we got married on the date of our very first date, March 18th. Before doing this I decide that I want to have closure with Nikki. I have asked JR many times if he has had any contact with her since Dec. 14th. He assures me he has not. That was the last time either of us had talked to her, or so I thought. When she went to FL she really lost it. She started sending me texts he had sent her begging her not to go to Fl.

Don’t do it, you are better than the rest, I love you Nikki.

She went anyways, she knew he wasn’t going to leave me.

The last text he ever sent her…I hate you, you fucking bitch.

It was done, she had gone to D, and that was the one thing that JR would never forgive her for. She did me a huge favor and sealed her fate with JR right there.

During all of these months I kept telling JR, you haven’t dealt with any of this. I know you better than this. You can’t have someone in your life everyday for 6 months that you are intimate with and just walk away like this. I don’t believe you have truly left her in your heart. He assures me that he has. I know that he was sinking lower into an already deep depression.

As for my closure…I decide to write Nikki and I decide to not be nice at all. I tell her that she deserves to rot in the pits of hell for hurting my family. That I hope she can never have children because she doesn’t deserve to be a mother after the hell she caused my children. I say that I hope her marriage fails and that she is stuck working in a bar cutting limes for the rest of her miserable fucking life. I went on and on. I guess Nikki didn’t like this because the next day I get a message from a friend of hers on FB telling me to check my business FB. I had blocked her from my personal one and had somehow forgotten to on the business one. Anyway the message results in a phone call from her friend and they have me on speakerphone. The friend V is screaming at me about JR telling me that he had been driving by the club, looking for Nikki (a lie because JR’s truck had been in the shop, and he was driving our daughter‘s car which no body at the club knew), that he was calling saying he missed her, that he wanted to be with her, blah, blah, blah, This would never have concerned me except they said they had proof…and they did, sorta. They had a recorded message from JR that said, “ Hey it’s me, I need to talk to you for about 5 minutes. If you want to talk to me please answer when I call back at 3pm. If you don’t then I’ll take it that you don’t and you’ll never hear from me again.”

I was in shock, again. How could this be? I lost it. He comes home, I confront him. He doesn’t deny it because he can’t. I told him how could you do this to me, how could you let her hurt me like that. You gave her what she needed to hurt me. How could you, how could you. How can you trust someone who does this to you?  He swears it was only to apologize to her. He was eat up with grief, he felt responsible because he was 13 years her senior. He felt bad for what it had put her, her husband, and their families  through. Who knows what was really said in that conversation, I never will. I do believe however that she probably recorded it and had hoped to use it against me, since she had kept that message for over a month. He had called her on Feb.16th. He and I had a huge fight that day and I suspect that he needed to say his peace to her to move on with me. He said that he had actually discussed having this one last conversation with Nikki with our therapist who thought it might be a good idea, however he was not advised to lie to me about it.

I did notice a difference in JR after this and we survived the phone call to Nikki and renewed our vows a few days later. It did take JR months to begin to deal with the aftermath of what all he had done to me and our marriage. He was all over the place with everything. Our business had suffered, our children had suffered, we had suffered, his friendships had suffered. There was so much to repair, he was lost, I was lost. It was such a struggle in the beginning. Tears flowed everyday for over a year. I remember one day in April, I was in the office. I had returned in mid March after certain companies threatened to release us if I didn’t return to handle things. JR and I were having one of our many talks about the affair and Nikki. I begin to cry and I don’t know what came over me, but I couldn’t stop. I remember thinking to myself, this is when it happens, this is the moment I have a nervous breakdown. I just couldn’t stop, it was gut wrenching pain, and the tears just kept coming. JR didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t drive myself home. He got me in the car, I laid my head on the center console, sobbing, he rubbed my head. We arrive home and he manages to get me to my room without my son seeing me. I collapse into the bed sobbing. Why can’t I stop? The night wears on, still I’m crying. I begin to get really scared, finally I drift off to sleep, but the crying continues. I wake in the night, many times, still crying. JR holds me that night, I find no comfort in his arms this night. I wake up the next morning still crying. Later it did finally stop, no more tears I guess, it was pure absolute exhaustion at that point.

As I’m writing this I am amazed at how removed from this I am, but I know its about my life. I still feel pain, but not like that anymore. I know that my pain will be with me forever, it’s part of me now. All of this is part of us now.  Our old marriage died and we are left now trying to build a new one.

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3 Responses to So The Truth Is Out…Now What?

  1. Yeah, I am impressed that you are able to get all of this out, but I guess being detached is how you are able to do it now. Your descriptions of events are so graphic.
    Can I make a suggestion? It’s minor I think. One of the things I did in the beginning was see a hypnotherapist. Then a year-and-half after Bomb Drop I took a hypnotherapy training course. There is a phrase I learned that I now use often. “Trying presupposes failure.” It’s used for a variety of things in hypnotherapy, for example in the induction when the therapist says your eyes feel like they are glued shut and to try and open them…if the person then opens them, it does not destroy the induction.
    Well, I thin words are powerful. You said that you are trying to build a new marriage. How about deleting the trying?
    Just a thought.

  2. TLM says:

    I’m so sorry you had to live through such horrible pain. I certainly hope he was doing things to try to win you back in the middle of all this and you weren’t the only doing any work. Although it sounds like he was undermining your efforts by continuing to sneak around and lie to you. Heartbreaking.

    I’m really amazed you can write about it at all, even after all this time. It tears me up just reading it.

    • kayboo24 says:

      Just getting around to replying to this…sorry. He still struggles daily, he has not done the work he should and I still struggle often. I do not know how this will turn out.

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