I am constantly telling JR that no detail is small, they are all important. He says you know all of the big things that happened, but what he doesn’t understand is that it’s the little things that add up and make sense of things. The following are some examples.
During the affair JR continued to talk about a life with me and our future together. I believe at first Nikki accepted this but in the back of her mind she thought she could change his. She was young and beautiful and used to using this to get what she wanted from men. She was married and had no children. From the beginning JR says she spoke badly of her husband, telling JR that she didn’t love him and was very unhappy. JR never spoke poorly of me, this has been confirmed by her. He told me that one time when they were together I kept calling him, I’m sure it was work related and this upset Nikki so she said something like, OMG why does she keep calling so much. JR quickly told her to “shut up, you don’t say anything about her”, she never did after that. He had made it very clear that I was off limits.
As the affair progressed he says she would call him crying about things and asking for his help, etc. She was very needy, he liked this about her I guess. She threw the I love you bomb out about 2 months into the affair and he felt obligated to say it back to her. So now she has my husband telling her he loves her. So in her sick twisted mind she starts to believe this. JR continues talking about our future and how we plan to move to the beach. One day she starts talking about moving to where we plan on moving and joining the Coast Guard. This shocks JR and he tells her, “You can’t move there, I plan on moving there with my wife. What are you thinking?” She was thinking that if they weren’t completely together by then that at least she could continue the affair.
Nikki had pushed for an overnight trip with JR, which he tried to make happen. We fought about him going out of town. He said he was going to a football game with a friend and they were going to stay with his family. Normally this would not have bothered me, but I knew something was off. So I protested and said no, you can go to the game, but you can’t stay the night. Later I caved and said stay the night if it’s that important to you. Luckily he didn’t, he chose to come home that night instead of staying with her. I got great pleasure when I told her that he had a choice that night and he chose to come home to me. This reminds me of another thing I enjoyed telling her that’s off topic but I’m going to throw it in here anyway. I had the pleasure of telling her that she wasn’t the first OW. I remember her seeming so wounded and asking me if he was just friends with this OW or was it sexual. I said no, he fucked her. She was so hurt, she thought she was the only one, she thought she was special, she thought JR was in love with her. Stupid whore.
Later I find out that when I discovered all of the phone calls and made JR leave that she left her husband. JR recently told me that he had always said to her, that if I ever found out about them, that I would throw him out. She would often threaten to call and tell me everything, hhmm I wonder why. So JR is staying at his mother’s and she is staying with a friend. JR has made arrangements to move into a friend’s apartment, Nikki knew about this. Recently he tells me that during a conversation about this with her she commented that she would leave her toothbrush there. He tells her no you wont, you wont be coming there. My wife will be coming there, my son will be coming there, I am trying to fix this so I can go home. We will be over. She was furious. That’s when she turned on him. She had formed this fantasy in her head of a life she would have with my husband. These women kill me really, I mean the are kept a secret because our husbands are ashamed to be with them. It’s not like they fall in love with these women and then rush home pack there belongings and run off with them, and yet these desperate women still form these love fantasies about this man that is only using them to fulfill his own sick needs. So pathetic.
Now on to story two, and then more little details, then you will understand how they tie together and why I feel that all details are important.
JR and I had decided years ago that we didn’t want anymore children. We didn’t however use any real form of birth control. I don’t like the pill, or any of those forms of bc, we didn’t like condoms and I am allergic to latex, we just risked it. I had not been on any form of bc for over 7 years, and we had sex frequently. We decided that I could no longer get pregnant and we never really thought much of it anymore. September/October of 2011 I was struggling really bad. We were approaching the 1 year mark of Dday and many other bad days and I was in a panic. I prayed daily for God to give me a sign. Show me what I am supposed to do. Do I stay or do I go? JR was no help during this time, he was in some sort of denial about all of this. He was depressed. He refused to really deal with his affair. I was lost. My period has always been like clock work. Early October I realized I was a little late but chalked it up to stress. Then my boobs got extremely tender, then the nausea set in, then the emotions, I cried about everything, then the heightened sense of smell ( a tell tale symptom for me). OMG, I knew it, I was pregnant. I was in such shock that I took 2 tests, just incase the first one was wrong. Both were positive. I was devastated at first. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be married to this man anymore, let alone have another child with him. I was all over the place. I did something during this time that to this day I have mixed feelings about. I contacted Nikki again. I needed answers about her relationship with JR. I asked her if she really was in love with JR and if she believed he ever really loved her. I told her about the pregnancy. The response I got was quite shocking and very different from our previous interactions. She was livid. She called JR every dirty name in the book. She said she never loved him and vice versa, that he was just a means to end her own dead marriage. That I needed to recognize my own self worth, that I deserved better than JR. That she hoped that I wouldn’t get pregnant on purpose to trap a man. WTF? That comment threw me until recently when JR told me some more “little” details, 2 years later.
He tells me a few weeks ago that Nikki had asked him if he wanted anymore children, she didn’t have any of her own and was talking about her biological clock, etc. She would be turning 28 Dec. 2010. JR replied to her saying, no..no..hell no, Anita and I don’t want anymore children. She became angry, got out of his truck, slammed the door and ignored him the rest of the day.
When he told me this it was like a light bulb came on…that’s why she was so pissed, and so angry with him when I wrote her telling her about my pregnancy. She had actually been thinking about the two of them having children together. It all made sense. I believe she may have been trying to get her self pregnant to secure a place in my husbands life. JR has admitted that they weren’t using protection and she wasn’t on any bc. She was pissed that he now had gotten me pregnant but had told her he didn’t want anymore children, shooting down her little hopes of him fathering hers. What kills me is that he continued fucking her without protection after they had that conversation. He says he never put the pieces together, he was so blind. I could tell that it rocked him a little when he realized this and knows that he dodged a bullet with her.
These are examples of why I say, “No detail is too small.”
I’m not sure why but something about contacting Nikki during that time gave me some closure with her. I needed her to know where JR and I were in our relationship, and a part of me felt better knowing she felt absolute hate for him then. I don’t believe she feels that way now as I have seen things that say different, but that’s for another blog.
As for the pregnancy…JR was thrilled. He loves children and was so excited by this news. He was wonderful from the moment I told him I was pregnant. I was struggling but settled in to the idea of another baby. I even started looking up baby websites. God however had a different plan for us and I miscarried at around 8 weeks. We both grieved the loss but felt that it probably was for the best. The good that needed to come out of that pregnancy had come and it helped me to see that there were bigger things in life than JR’s affair.