Let’s just put this out there and see how it goes. Can a man make up an affair to his wife? Is this even possible? Can you make restitution? If a marriage begins to get better is it because a husband does ALL he can to make it so, or is it because his wife learns to forgive and expect less? I’m not sure.
After JR’s affair I decided that he should do some act of restitution. We agreed on an amount of money that he would give me to do whatever I wanted with. This money had to come from him solely, it couldn’t be money earned by any work that I was doing or contributing to. This was difficult for JR because at this time I ran our company and he hadn’t been working in over a year. He did manage to save the money and presented it to me one day. I thought about buying myself a nice piece of jewelry but settled on redecorating the new home we had just moved into at the beach. He discussed this once with his therapist who said it was a good idea but that we should use the money to do something together, maybe a trip or something. He said that I shouldn’t use it to purchase anything tangible that might serve as a reminder of the affair. I told JR that his penis was a reminder of the affair, every time I looked at it I thought about him fucking his whore…should we just chop it off so I don’t have to be reminded of the affair anymore? Go ask your therapist what he thinks of that…which he did, and the therapist laughed and said “point taken”. There are many things that I encounter everyday in my normal life that remind me of my husband’s affair. I simply can’t escape it even on my best days.
The money would serve as one of the very few things that JR ever really did to serve as restitution. I would, no I do, constantly struggle with wanting and needing more from him. Which leads me to the question, will I ever feel like he has done enough? He says that I will never be completely happy with him again and I feel that he uses this as an excuse to half ass everything with me. I don’t doubt his love for me, but I do know after all of this that love is not enough.
I am right in the middle of Ddays at the moment and I am lost. Sunday marked the last time he fucked the whore, yesterday was the day he admitted to the affair and today is the day I spent in the ER having overdosed on sleeping pills. I don’t feel that I am out of line in thinking that he should have done something extra for me during this time. Sunday wasn’t bad, we woke up and made love, JR is not a morning person but knows that I am. He did this for me alone and I could tell, I even predicted it before falling asleep the night before. I know how he operates. Anyway that started my day and we had some chores to do so we split up to get them done and had planned a trip to the store later to get some things that we needed, etc. I was working on Christmas decorations and this always makes me feel good so I wasn’t as needy as I could have been that day. We went to bed together that night and the day went smoothly considering. Now it’s Dday, JR has to work all day and we decided that it probably wasn’t good for me to be alone all day so I tagged along with him. Not my ideal day but I didn’t mind going and I enjoy just being with him. He and our son both had basketball practice and we finished up the day and managed to be home by 6:30pm or so. I come upstairs and begin cooking dinner, JR stays down stairs doing paperwork. Still I am fine, but I am feeling a little sad so I decide to have a glass of wine with dinner. I hadn’t slept well lately and I carry stress in my shoulders and neck so I was feeling stiff. Dinner goes well and we decide to hop in the hot tub for a bit to unwind. I pour another glass of wine and hop onto the blog for a bit and read a few new posts all of which I can relate so well to(probably not a good idea at the time), which then gets me thinking about my situation. Pour another glass of wine, still I’m ok, it’s still early, there is still time for him to do something, anything that lets me know that he acknowledges the pain and suffering he has caused me. An hour later out of the hot tub and into the chair, channel surf for a bit and then I notice JR next to me falling asleep, I was instantly furious. He was nodding off, so I tell him to go to bed and he says no that he is spending time with me. Then he asks do I want to come downstairs with him, (for sex) to which I say hell no. So he can spend 10 minutes in bed with me because he is tired and wants to go to sleep. We end up in a fight and he goes to bed and I come upstairs alone. He says that he is doing all he can, and its never enough.
Am I just crazy? I told him that it would have been nice to insist on us going downstairs after dinner. He could have rubbed my neck and shoulders, he knew they had been tense, he could have planned a dessert for just the two of us, he could have read to me, he could have made love to me, instead of offering up a 10 minute fuck. I am not hard to please, and I have made it easy for him these past 2 years and I am tired of constantly wanting more. I just don’t know how to make peace with this. He does nothing different for me now than he did before the affair except open the car door, which sometimes he forgets to even do. He can’t seem to grasp that nothing that he did before is enough now, I want and deserve more.
I found out that JR bought Nikki gifts for no reason at all, simply because he wanted to. He has never, never done this for me. He has bought me a couple of things here and there but usually after a fight and once after he had called her and felt guilty about it. Then there are the trips. Twice he took her out of town. We used to go out of town often, before his affair. I usually planned them, once he did, again because we were arguing. I have begged him since his affair to take me somewhere, anywhere, just for a night. He still has not.
Are all of these things signs that this man doesn’t really love me, or is he just still to screwed up to be all I need him to be? My biggest fear is that he will never give me what I need and that when we are left alone in our home, children all grown and gone that I will finally look at him and say I’m done. I want a divorce. I believe that before Nikki I always did enough, loved enough for the both of us. I didn’t have to really take a close look at the meat of our relationship. After 24 years how do I know if we really have what it takes? He constantly tells me he loves me. This means nothing to me anymore, he told her he loved her too. Just words, that’s what he says about saying them to her, “they were just words” except he “showed” her too. Every time he left me alone to be with her he showed her. Every time he lied to me to be with her he showed her. When he took her out of town, when he bought her gifts, he showed her. What has he done to show me since all of this happened. I have been thinking hard about this and I can’t come up with anything special. I realize that the only reason we have made it this long is because I have lowered my expectations, I accept less from him. Then I face a bad day like the past 3 and I start examining everything.
I have loved enough for us both for 24 years and I no longer want to do that. I’m tired of making it easy for him to love me. Believe me loving him has been no picnic. I want absolute love, peace, joy, passion, lust, trust and security. I want what I put out there in my marriage to be returned and presently it is not. Mostly I want to feel and believe that I matter.
I did something that I am not proud of, I read JR’s journal…there is only one entry from over a month ago. I have always asked him and suspected that he would spend hours in bed with Nikki. He has always denied this. We have struggled sexually over these past 2 years and the only time we seem to really connect on a deep level is when we are fighting and we make up or when he feels threatened that I may make him leave. We had been arguing over our sexual problems(his problems) and he decided to start journaling as I had suggested so many times. There it was in his own writing about how he would spend hours in bed with Nikki and only spends minutes in bed with me. No more denying it now, can’t talk his way out of this time. He even admitted today in a text message that he feels like he did more for her than me. I asked him later why he stays with me then, how can he wake up everyday and look at himself and know this. How can he tell me that I am his world, the person he loves most in the world, the air he breathes, who he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and know that he gave his whore more than he gives me?
It leaves me feeling like I am in a marriage that will never be whole again. I feel like I will never be whole again. This is when I ask my self ‘Is this really my marriage?” It just can’t be. Will this struggle ever end. It’s funny when we talk about Nikki he says, “she’s damaged”, doesn’t he see that so am I…because he damaged me and he wont do the work to help heal me.