Is this coming to an end?

I want a divorce. Those were the words I said to JR on Wednesday night. It was the first time I have ever spoken those words to him and they didn’t come from anger.

Thursday a text…Want you to know I don’t mean to hurt you. I’m so sorry. Having a real bad day.

My reply…I don’t even know what to say to that anymore…you tell me that every time we argue.

Another text…Not over yet. Not over yet.

My reply… Again, I don’t know what to say.

Another text…I’m not quitting. You hear me. I’m not quitting.

He comes home later and has bought me some fudge, something I had mentioned I would like to have over 6 weeks earlier. I knew he would come home with something. This is part of how he always handles me when he feels threatened.

I cooked dinner. Afterwards my son needs help with homework. I always help him with homework, always. Tonight I’m just not feeling it. I ask JR to look at his homework this time. He walks over looks down and says I don’t know how to do this, I will have to look in the book first and figure it out. I say well so do I, so what’s the difference? Luckily, at this point our daughter who is doing the dishes says I know how to do it, come finish the dishes and I’ll help him. I’m annoyed, JR can tell. I head into the kitchen and he grabs my hand and says I’ll do the kitchen, you cooked. I end up in there helping. He leans into me and says,” Keep being mean to me.” I said “What do you mean? I haven’t been mean to you, distant maybe but not mean.” He says, “I know, just keep treating me like you are. I don’t want to think that I can bring you fudge and everything is better. When you are distant it makes me try harder.” I laugh, ”Trust me the fudge doesn’t make anything better. It’s just fudge. If you only try harder when you feel me being distant, then this marriage is certainly doomed.”

Later we get in the hot tub, I’m stiff from all of the tension between us. We talk about where we have been emotionally over the past 2 years. We know that we are in trouble, real trouble. I miss him and I’m horny. I can’t help it, problems or not, the man does it for me…he always will. I tell him too bad we started talking about all of this, I was going to suggest that we forget about all of this just for tonight and have sex. He seems hurt by this. He says, “How can you tell me you want a divorce and then tell me that you want to have sex with me. That’s nuts.” My reply, “Well you had sex for 6 months with someone you claim you didn’t love, while you supposedly loved me. That’s nuts. How is this any worse? Besides, at least I would still be having sex with my husband.” He has no reply. I tell him that we should start separating ourselves from one another now. No more pretending that things are OK. When our daughter leaves after Christmas that I no longer want to share a bed with him. No more hugs or kisses, no more sex. No more physical contact at all. No more pretending. He goes to bed.

He leaves at 4:30am, he has to do a job before the restaurant opens. 6am, he is back home and in our bed. He grabs me and pulls me close to him, he is freezing. Your cold, your hands are freezing. He pulls me closer. You shouldn’t be holding me like this. He pulls me even closer. I’m drifting back off to sleep, I love when he holds me like this. I find it very comforting, as does he. He is kissing my back, he is rubbing me. He turns me towards him, he kisses my neck.  I whisper, “We can’t do this, we shouldn’t do this.” “Shhh”, he tells me as he kisses me and slides off my panties. I’m kissing him back. In my heart this feels right, but in my head it seems wrong. I don’t care, he is inside me. He whispers, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” “I know you are, but this will never change if we keep doing this.” In a few minutes it’s over, he is too emotional to continue, I’m too exhausted. We lay there, him on top of me, still inside me. I move to get comfortable. He thinks I am trying to get up. “No, don’t go. Not yet. Just lay here.”

We end up laying in our bed discussing yet again how we got here. I tell him we have tried so hard for 2 years and things still seem so messed up. He says he is messed up,  he is damaged. He doesn’t know why. He says he is losing the 2 most important women in his life and he acts like he doesn’t care. His wife wants to leave him and his mother is sick and dying. He hasn’t been to see her in 2 months and she is dying with cancer. What kind of person is he. I tell him I will not lay there and listen to him bash himself. We both are reduced to tears. I tell him that I know that he has loved me, but I don’t believe that is true anymore. He says he doesn’t love anything the way he should anymore. 

Despite everything this man has done to hurt me I still love him more than anything in this world. With that being said that doesn’t mean that he is good for me. I believe that our relationship has become toxic. We live in this push and pull world where he pushes me away and then when I am on the verge of leaving he pulls me back in. He plays me like a fiddle.

I tell him that I found a place for him to move, on a trial basis. It’s near home, affordable and no lease required.

He is hurt. I ask him, ”Did I tell you what I needed and wanted from you to feel loved over these past 2 years? Did I make my self clear? Did I communicate to you how to help me feel better about the affair?”

His response, “Yes you told me, I just never did any of those things.”

 

We move on to the common topic of Nikki and how he ended up at  the point that he was sleeping with her. I always ask, how can you claim that you loved me during the time you were with her. How can that be possible. What were you thinking? He says, “What is any man thinking when he cheats on his wife. Do men not love their wives when they cheat. I never thought I would get caught.” I say, “So if I hadn’t of caught you, you would have been ok living with me, knowing what you had done, never telling me.” His response, “No, I suppose I would have told you eventually. You read those blogs, why don’t you ask all of those men what they were thinking. How they were able to cheat if they loved their wives.”

So here it is. I am asking all men, because I want a man’s perspective. How were you able to cheat on your wives, tell another woman that you loved them, chose to spend time with some woman over your wife? How were you able to do all of the things that you do during an affair if you still loved your wife? Did you still love your wife? If you claim that you still loved your wife during your affair then don’t you at least feel that the love you felt was diminished? Did you feel love towards your affair partner? What is the motivation for an affair? Were you trying to fill something that you were lacking in your marriage? Was your wife not meeting your needs? I would love to get some manly perspective on this.

I believe that JR is still punishing himself for the pain he caused me and our family. He wrote me a letter one time when I had left and gone to stay at my Mother’s. It was early into the affair discovery and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue the marriage. His words read…I deserve this for what I have done, I deserve to lose the one I love.

Sometimes I believe this is the only way he will ever heal. I believe he still feels that he needs to be punished and the worst punishment he can think of would be for me to leave him. Then his pain would almost match the pain he caused. So here we are and I am ready to leave. If this is what I must do to get my husband to forgive himself then I will do it. It seems so backwards, but nothing else has really worked. My only fear is that after all of the damage and the back and forths of the past 2 years, that I may begin to feel better if I am away from him. I believe that is why I stayed this long because I truly love him and want a life with him. It’s a gamble…but one I think I may have to take.

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6 Responses to Is this coming to an end?

  1. Wow… I love this post. I to ask my husband how in the hell he could have cheated on me and still loved me at the same time. He says he was insane and has no idea how he could have done it. I actually like JR’s answer, which is similar to my husband when he says “I never thought I would get caught.”. Sometimes people think my views are seriously fucked up, but doesn’t this answer in and of it’s self demonstrate that he did in fact love you? His actions were not loving but in his (man) mind he did love you. My husband tells me over and over, in my mind I loved you more than anything.

    Honestly I think so many men cheat simply because they can. They need their ego’s stroked and who isn’t flattered when someone new shows them attention? We as humans and especially men are biologically programed to breed with multiple people. Somewhere in the man’s brain they want to spread their seed as far and wide as they can, it’s our gift of human consciousness that allows us the free will to chose monogyny. I’m not giving these cheating bastards an out, but I understand how difficult especially for men it is to resist temptation.

    One of my favorite studies on this is the Coolidge effect, give it a read and see what you think. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect

    I hope that all the blogs you read are not hurting you and causing triggers, that was the case for me when I first started blogging and reading. I’d take something from a blog I’d read and apply it to my situation and start questioning my husband about this or that. It was very counter productive to our recovery.

    You say you want JR to forgive himself, is that what you really want? How can he forgive himself if Nikki is the constant topic of conversation, or if you’re constantly asking him how he could have done this if he loves you? I doubt it will be possible for him to forgive himself when it’s brought up so much. I personally am not ready for my husband to forgive himself, he fucked my life up royally, I think he deserves to sit in his shit for awhile. That’s not to say I make life miserable but I know that for him to forgive himself it means I can’t bring it up everyday, and I have to accept that he loved me in what ever fucked up way he could during his infidelity and that he’s here and he loves me today. I’m not there yet, I’m close though…

    I know I not coming from a man’s perspective but I did offer up what my husband’s told me. I hope it helps. I hope your marriage can survive this, it sounds like you guys really love each other.

    • kayboo24 says:

      I appreciatte the insight. I really am ready for JR to forgive himself. We have been struggling through this for more than 2 years now. I don’t bring Nikki up unless I notice JR pulling away from me or disengaging, so there are weeks that go by without any mention of her. However, he shuts down completely sometimes for reasons that I can not determine. I think what freaks me out and puts me on high alert is that looking back at the time during his affair this behavior was common for him. I was just blind and didn’t really notice, it’s only now that I realize that it happened then, a lot. It makes me nervous everytime he seems to be disconnecting and then I go into “bad thought” overload. We have gotten ourselves into such a destructive cycle, it’s nuts. We do truly, deeply love each other but the love isn’t as strong as it used to be and it just isn’t enough anymore. It’s tainted as JR says.

    • kayboo24 says:

      Haha…just read the link you provided. Thanks. Love that the experiment was with rats…I think that accurately describes most men…RATS!! 😉

  2. My husband has told me it was because he was selfish, it was an ego stroke for him, he’d built walls around himself that prevented me from getting close to him. He never cared about them, he said he didn’t even “know” them on a personal level, he didn’t want to (even the LTA of 27 months). They were JUST a very poor coping mechanism for him for a stress release.

    Mine also says he never stopped loving me, ever. Never had the desire to leave me. Never thought I’d find out.

    • kayboo24 says:

      That does seem to be a common theme among cheaters…they don’t think they will get caught. I mean come on, really…don’t they watch reality tv. The cheater ALWAYS gets caught…geez. JR also says he never stopped loving me and that he never had plans of leaving me. His behavior through out his affair is testimony to that. He would distance himself sometimes I think from the guilt but mostly he was all over me. He never made me feel like I was losing him. I knew there was a Nikki, but I never felt threatened by that. I thought it was harmless, boy was I a dummy. Never again…women can be predators, especially if you have a “good” man.

  3. Well, Sweetheart didn’t do it because he thought he wouldn’t get caught. He self-disclosed before leaving–he was not yet having a sexual relationship with her, but he was leaving so he could. So his initial justification was that she was his soul-mate and not me.
    Later, how did he justify it? I don’t think he really did. I think he just was too caught up in the addiction and Emotional Blackmail and like your husband, his own you’d-be-better-without-me martyr complex.

    The other day you talked about restitution and that he paid you money. I was afraid to say it–still am actually–but that bothered me. The other day there was a link in my traffic to a new forum with a thread about Standing. One of my moderators told me that it started from a topic at another forum and he gave me the link. I think it’s a great topic. It was started by a poster who is talking about his experience–he’s the betrayed spouse–with Mort Fertel’s program. There are a lot of questions, and disagreements going on…but the poster, Rodion, is handling it all beautifully. I think he is a great example. One of the other people is LadyGrey and she was the betraying spouse in her marriage. She is quite receptive to Rodion’s style. Her criticisms of others are about how they blast the betrayer. Sure, the betrayer sinned and no one wants to dilute that, but she felt like some programs were all about her being bad–forever. She made all of the amends and her husband got to be her keeper. That is not a good balance–or it’s not balance.
    Here is a link to that thread–it’s grown REALLY long in the last few days. (maybe 150 single spaced pages when copied into word!)
    http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/267348/1

    Today you are talking about how you love him, how you don’t want him to be so self-punishing and how you believe in him. YAY!
    I don’t know…this may be a necessary step. Or not, I don’t know. But I do know that it is what works for some–and I advocate doing what works.

    Good Luck
    HUGS
    Blessings
    Prayers…
    and whatever else you need.

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