I want a divorce. Those were the words I said to JR on Wednesday night. It was the first time I have ever spoken those words to him and they didn’t come from anger.
Thursday a text…Want you to know I don’t mean to hurt you. I’m so sorry. Having a real bad day.
My reply…I don’t even know what to say to that anymore…you tell me that every time we argue.
Another text…Not over yet. Not over yet.
My reply… Again, I don’t know what to say.
Another text…I’m not quitting. You hear me. I’m not quitting.
He comes home later and has bought me some fudge, something I had mentioned I would like to have over 6 weeks earlier. I knew he would come home with something. This is part of how he always handles me when he feels threatened.
I cooked dinner. Afterwards my son needs help with homework. I always help him with homework, always. Tonight I’m just not feeling it. I ask JR to look at his homework this time. He walks over looks down and says I don’t know how to do this, I will have to look in the book first and figure it out. I say well so do I, so what’s the difference? Luckily, at this point our daughter who is doing the dishes says I know how to do it, come finish the dishes and I’ll help him. I’m annoyed, JR can tell. I head into the kitchen and he grabs my hand and says I’ll do the kitchen, you cooked. I end up in there helping. He leans into me and says,” Keep being mean to me.” I said “What do you mean? I haven’t been mean to you, distant maybe but not mean.” He says, “I know, just keep treating me like you are. I don’t want to think that I can bring you fudge and everything is better. When you are distant it makes me try harder.” I laugh, ”Trust me the fudge doesn’t make anything better. It’s just fudge. If you only try harder when you feel me being distant, then this marriage is certainly doomed.”
Later we get in the hot tub, I’m stiff from all of the tension between us. We talk about where we have been emotionally over the past 2 years. We know that we are in trouble, real trouble. I miss him and I’m horny. I can’t help it, problems or not, the man does it for me…he always will. I tell him too bad we started talking about all of this, I was going to suggest that we forget about all of this just for tonight and have sex. He seems hurt by this. He says, “How can you tell me you want a divorce and then tell me that you want to have sex with me. That’s nuts.” My reply, “Well you had sex for 6 months with someone you claim you didn’t love, while you supposedly loved me. That’s nuts. How is this any worse? Besides, at least I would still be having sex with my husband.” He has no reply. I tell him that we should start separating ourselves from one another now. No more pretending that things are OK. When our daughter leaves after Christmas that I no longer want to share a bed with him. No more hugs or kisses, no more sex. No more physical contact at all. No more pretending. He goes to bed.
He leaves at 4:30am, he has to do a job before the restaurant opens. 6am, he is back home and in our bed. He grabs me and pulls me close to him, he is freezing. Your cold, your hands are freezing. He pulls me closer. You shouldn’t be holding me like this. He pulls me even closer. I’m drifting back off to sleep, I love when he holds me like this. I find it very comforting, as does he. He is kissing my back, he is rubbing me. He turns me towards him, he kisses my neck. I whisper, “We can’t do this, we shouldn’t do this.” “Shhh”, he tells me as he kisses me and slides off my panties. I’m kissing him back. In my heart this feels right, but in my head it seems wrong. I don’t care, he is inside me. He whispers, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” “I know you are, but this will never change if we keep doing this.” In a few minutes it’s over, he is too emotional to continue, I’m too exhausted. We lay there, him on top of me, still inside me. I move to get comfortable. He thinks I am trying to get up. “No, don’t go. Not yet. Just lay here.”
We end up laying in our bed discussing yet again how we got here. I tell him we have tried so hard for 2 years and things still seem so messed up. He says he is messed up, he is damaged. He doesn’t know why. He says he is losing the 2 most important women in his life and he acts like he doesn’t care. His wife wants to leave him and his mother is sick and dying. He hasn’t been to see her in 2 months and she is dying with cancer. What kind of person is he. I tell him I will not lay there and listen to him bash himself. We both are reduced to tears. I tell him that I know that he has loved me, but I don’t believe that is true anymore. He says he doesn’t love anything the way he should anymore.
Despite everything this man has done to hurt me I still love him more than anything in this world. With that being said that doesn’t mean that he is good for me. I believe that our relationship has become toxic. We live in this push and pull world where he pushes me away and then when I am on the verge of leaving he pulls me back in. He plays me like a fiddle.
I tell him that I found a place for him to move, on a trial basis. It’s near home, affordable and no lease required.
He is hurt. I ask him, ”Did I tell you what I needed and wanted from you to feel loved over these past 2 years? Did I make my self clear? Did I communicate to you how to help me feel better about the affair?”
His response, “Yes you told me, I just never did any of those things.”
We move on to the common topic of Nikki and how he ended up at the point that he was sleeping with her. I always ask, how can you claim that you loved me during the time you were with her. How can that be possible. What were you thinking? He says, “What is any man thinking when he cheats on his wife. Do men not love their wives when they cheat. I never thought I would get caught.” I say, “So if I hadn’t of caught you, you would have been ok living with me, knowing what you had done, never telling me.” His response, “No, I suppose I would have told you eventually. You read those blogs, why don’t you ask all of those men what they were thinking. How they were able to cheat if they loved their wives.”
So here it is. I am asking all men, because I want a man’s perspective. How were you able to cheat on your wives, tell another woman that you loved them, chose to spend time with some woman over your wife? How were you able to do all of the things that you do during an affair if you still loved your wife? Did you still love your wife? If you claim that you still loved your wife during your affair then don’t you at least feel that the love you felt was diminished? Did you feel love towards your affair partner? What is the motivation for an affair? Were you trying to fill something that you were lacking in your marriage? Was your wife not meeting your needs? I would love to get some manly perspective on this.
I believe that JR is still punishing himself for the pain he caused me and our family. He wrote me a letter one time when I had left and gone to stay at my Mother’s. It was early into the affair discovery and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue the marriage. His words read…I deserve this for what I have done, I deserve to lose the one I love.
Sometimes I believe this is the only way he will ever heal. I believe he still feels that he needs to be punished and the worst punishment he can think of would be for me to leave him. Then his pain would almost match the pain he caused. So here we are and I am ready to leave. If this is what I must do to get my husband to forgive himself then I will do it. It seems so backwards, but nothing else has really worked. My only fear is that after all of the damage and the back and forths of the past 2 years, that I may begin to feel better if I am away from him. I believe that is why I stayed this long because I truly love him and want a life with him. It’s a gamble…but one I think I may have to take.