That’s it…I have had enough of the bullshit. The past 2 years have been nothing but a struggle. I feel empty, hollow, like a shell of a person. I do not “feel” things the way I used to. I am numb. I have no emotion. I fake it a lot. I hate that. I hate what this has done to me and I’m scared. I’m scared that my emotions will not return. I live in a world where I have no joy, no real happiness. I do not really miss my children when they are gone. I don’t miss my mother and father who live 4 states away. I don’t miss my sister or my niece and nephew. This is not me, not the real me. This is who I am after the emotional trauma that I have been dealt. It’s the person that I am after the pain has continued. What if I never “feel” anything again? The only emotions I experience are fear, loneliness, heartache, pain, sadness. I am scared that I have formed an idea of who I want JR to be instead of who he actually is. I read some literature on what defines a narcissist. I was not surprised that JR exhibits many of those traits. OMG how is this the man I love.
What started all of this was a quick view at his browser history. Now I have a healthy view on sex. I love sex, I enjoy pornography, I enjoy strip clubs, I enjoy many other things about sex (for another blog). However, I was not pleased to find that JR has been frequently going on porn sites. WTF is that about. We have been struggling sexually for the past 2 years, ever since his disclosure of the affair. During the 6 months that he was having his affair he and I were having sex 3 to 4 times a week. Now we have sex 3 to 4 times a month. He has had ED issues, etc. Any time I initialize sex he shoots me down, probably 95% of the time. I feel so rejected, so unwanted, undesired, unloved. I have told him that it’s me, it has to be me. He isn’t attracted to me anymore. He swears it is not. When I confronted him tonight about his porn sites he said that I was starting to convince him that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore (narcissist), so he went to the porn sites to see if he could become aroused. He says he did not, and normally porn would arouse him. What the hell is this? I have spent 2 years begging for his affections and attentions.
What binds me to this man? 24 years…a past? Our children? Finances? Our families? I do not feel that love binds us together anymore. I believe this has become a toxic relationship. Recently we were going through a very rough patch and I began to tell him about my needs and how he could help. He looked at me and said, “I can’t help you with your needs”, but tonight had the fucking nerve to look at me and say, “Don’t you think you should help me with this?” He is fucking insane. It’s always about him, everything. He is so fucking selfish. I have made this so easy for him. He never really had to “work” at making anything better between us. I was the one doing all of the work and he was (is) the one making all of the excuses.
The time has come…he needs to leave. I keep telling myself to be strong…make the move that I know is necessary for MY happiness. I have to put myself first for once in my life. The problem is, I don’t even know how to begin to do that. I became a wife and mother when I was 15 years old. From that point on there has always been someone that I have placed before myself. I feel like I am setting a terrible example for my daughters. They say that I’m not, but are they just telling me what I want to hear? Neither of them have had a steady boyfriend for more than 4 years. I have told myself it’s because I have taught them to be strong, independent women. What if it’s because being in love, giving their heart to a man scares the shit out of them. What if they have watched the pain I have gone through and know that they want no part of that ever. I have told myself that through all of this I hope I am teaching them to be forgiving, to be loyal. What if they think I am just simple and stupid. They love their Dad so they would never chose sides and I would never ask them to. I want them to always have a great relationship with their Dad, he loves them very much and is a great father. He’s just a shitty husband. My oldest, who is a lot like me, has told me more than once that she thinks her Dad is holding me back from being all that I can be. I suppose in a way she’s right. Every decision that has ever been made has been more about his wants and needs than my own.
The only thing I ever did for myself was open a home décor/gift shop once. I had it for about 6 months and ultimately closed down because my “family” complained about me working all of the time. I wasn’t available enough to them.
I do not want my son to have to live in a broken home. I have seen what it has done to my nephew and I can’t bring myself to do that to my son. JR knows this. I know that if something major doesn’t change that the minute my son is grown and gone I will be right behind him. There is nothing holding me here except my want to keep my family intact (for now). I do not recognize the person I have become and I do not like her. We are not friends, she and I. In fact, I hate her and what she stands for. A song comes to mind…”Stand by Your Man”. Really stand by your man when he is a bully, a cheater, a jerk? I give him everything, he gives me nothing. I make myself sick…when did I become so weak?