Enough of the Bullshit….

That’s it…I have had enough of the bullshit. The past 2 years have been nothing but a struggle. I feel empty, hollow, like a shell of a person. I do not “feel” things the way I used to. I am numb. I have no emotion. I fake it a lot. I hate that. I hate what this has done to me and I’m scared. I’m scared that my emotions will not return. I live in a world where I have no joy, no real happiness. I do not really miss my children when they are gone. I don’t miss my mother and father who live 4 states away. I don’t miss my sister or my niece and nephew. This is not me, not the real me. This is who I am after the emotional trauma that I have been dealt. It’s the person that I am after the pain has continued. What if I never “feel” anything again? The only emotions I experience are fear, loneliness, heartache, pain, sadness. I am scared that I have formed an idea of who I want JR to be instead of who he actually is. I read some literature on what defines a narcissist. I was not surprised that JR exhibits many of those traits. OMG how is this the man I love.

What started all of this was a quick view at his browser history. Now I have a healthy view on sex. I love sex, I enjoy pornography, I enjoy strip clubs, I enjoy many other things about sex (for another blog). However, I was not pleased to find that JR has been frequently going on porn sites. WTF is that about. We have been struggling sexually for the past 2 years, ever since his disclosure of the affair. During the 6 months that he was having his affair he and I were having sex 3 to 4 times a week. Now we have sex 3 to 4 times a month. He has had ED issues, etc. Any time I initialize sex he shoots me down, probably 95% of the time. I feel so rejected, so unwanted, undesired, unloved. I have told him that it’s me, it has to be me. He isn’t attracted to me anymore. He swears it is not. When I confronted him tonight about his porn sites he said that I was starting to convince him that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore  (narcissist), so he went to the porn sites to see if he could become aroused. He says he did not, and normally porn would arouse him. What the hell is this? I have spent 2 years begging for his affections and attentions.

What binds me to this man? 24 years…a past? Our children? Finances? Our families? I do not feel that love binds us together anymore. I believe this has become a toxic relationship. Recently we were going through a very rough patch and I began to tell him about my needs and how he could help. He looked at me and said, “I can’t help you with your needs”, but tonight had the fucking nerve to look at me and say, “Don’t you think you should help me with this?” He is fucking insane. It’s always about him, everything. He is so fucking selfish. I have made this so easy for him. He never really had to “work” at making anything better between us. I was the one doing all of the work and he was (is) the one making all of the excuses.

The time has come…he needs to leave. I keep telling myself to be strong…make the move that I know is necessary  for MY happiness. I have to put myself first for once in my life. The problem is, I don’t even know how to begin to do that. I became a wife and mother when I was 15 years old. From that point on there has always been someone that I have placed before myself. I feel like I am setting a terrible example for my daughters. They say that I’m not, but are they just telling me what I want to hear? Neither of them have had a steady boyfriend for more than 4 years. I have told myself it’s because I have taught them to be strong, independent women. What if it’s because being in love, giving their heart to a man scares the shit out of them. What if they have watched the pain I have gone through and know that they want no part of that ever. I have told myself that through all of this I hope I am teaching them to be forgiving, to be loyal. What if they think I am just simple and stupid. They love their Dad so they would never chose sides and I would never ask them to. I want them to always have a great relationship with their Dad, he loves them very much and is a great father. He’s just a shitty husband. My oldest, who is a lot like me, has told me more than once that she thinks her Dad is holding me back from being all that I can be. I suppose in a way she’s right. Every decision that has ever been made has been more about his wants and needs than my own.

The only thing I ever did for myself was open a home décor/gift shop once. I had it for about 6 months and ultimately closed down because my “family” complained about me working all of the time. I wasn’t available enough to them.

I do not want my son to have to live in a broken home. I have seen what it has done to my nephew and I can’t bring myself to do that to my son. JR knows this. I know that if something major doesn’t change that the minute my son is grown and gone I will be right behind him. There is nothing holding me here except my want to keep my family intact (for now). I do not recognize the person I have become and I do not like her. We are not friends, she and I.  In fact,  I hate her and what she stands for. A song comes to mind…”Stand by Your Man”. Really stand by your man when he is a bully, a cheater, a jerk? I give him everything, he gives me nothing. I make myself sick…when did I become so weak?

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6 Responses to Enough of the Bullshit….

  1. It sounds like you are incredibly frustrated and in an immense amount of emotional pain. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and these feelings you’re having, I know there awful.

    Have you asked JR what he wants? Does he want to stay in the marriage? Have you guys considered a trial separation? It could be an option instead of going right into a full blown divorce.

    On the numerous occasions I “almost” kicked my husband out, I told him I would do a trial separation to see how things went before I went through with a divorce. I also am weak and could never bring myself to kick his butt out.

    We are trapped… Fear of the unknown can be disabling. Afraid to stay and afraid to leave. It’s a fucking nightmare.

    You just gotta do what’s best for you… Your kids will not benefit from seeing their mother miserable for years while she waits for them to grow up so she can leave. You don’t have to stand by your man, if it’s not right for you.

    • kayboo24 says:

      He says he wants to be here…wants to keep working on things. Funny thing is, he doesn’t really work on anything. He “plays” me like a fiddle. He “handles” me. He handled Nikki too. Makes me sick. He “likes” his comfortable life with me, I would too, if I was him. He needs to leave, we need to approach this differently. We need to seperate. I just want to get through the holidays and then he really must go. Maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder or maybe it will make my heart grow stronger. Either way I don’t lose. I just know that my current home life is NOT working for me. Something has to change, and he certainly wont make any changes. He is weak, so am I, but everyday I feel a little bit stronger.

  2. I am so sorry you are in so much pain–and numb to all the good sort of feelings and emotions. I wish we could send more than just the cyber sort of hugs.

    I see you as strong. Not just kind of strong or hey, you’ll get through because you have strength, but stronger and more well-adjusted than most women. You were a teenage parent and it sounds like you have been an amazing mom and had a good life. What I mean is that I see more teenage parents fall into drugs and poverty and serial relationships and when they are 39 it’s more like they are 60. I’ve known one or two that did really well and went on to a successful career and family. You did something really hard and look how well you did it!
    Please just keep tell yourself: “I am an amazing woman!” Repeat that over and over like a mantra.

    You said you daughters have not had a steady boyfriend for 4 years. Did you mean they haven’t had a relationship that has lasted that long, or no ongoing relationships at all for the last 4 years? Is there something wrong with that? I guess it depends; has there been a string of disposable relationships or almost no relationships. I was a virgin until I was 22 and Sweetheart was my first date. I was pretty into my studying and competitive swimming (slowest on the team though) and dating was not a big deal. Although I was finally getting scared since I had not even been on a date–I mean virginity is one thing, but no boyfriend or date… I didn’t really know how to flirt. I wasn’t shy around guys, just bookish. I don’t think it was about looks–
    I’d been a petite runway model. My point is, your daughters don;t need to be dating for them to be well-adjusted and maybe, just maybe, they will have stronger and healthier romantic relationships by waiting.

    As for Stand By Your Man…I was a Stander, but that song gets a lot of it wrong. Too bad it’s such a catchy tune. She makes men sound so weak in that song and we should just stand by and allow whatever because he’s a man–weak. And yet Tammy Wynette didn’t really do that–or stick to it–did she?

    I don’t know if JR is a narcissist or not, but the personality disorders are one of my exceptions when it comes to divorce. A person with a true personality disorder–diagnosable–does not have the ability to empathize. Empathy develops early in life and they didn’t develop it. Can they learn it later? I don’t know if they can, but I do know that if they can, the odds are still against. Think if it like not having or losing an arm–it won’t regenerate.

    It is my hope that JR is not NPD and that he figures it out and starts doing the work to heal and repair. I hate to see any marriage end. But it is also my hope that you do what is best for you and your children and that you keep telling yourself: “I am an amazing woman.”

  3. Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.

    I see a strong woman who knows what she wants and a weak man who is terrified that she no longer needs him. Well, GOOD. One thing I’ve learned is that we don’t need these men and you know what, being strong on our own is a million times better than being a wreck with them. Plus, if you hate the person you’ve become, you ‘ll never be able to give or receive love the way you deserve.

    Free yourself – even if that doesn’t involve leaving, give yourself permission to focus on you. Be selfish. Make him see you are more than his appendage.

  4. kayboo24 says:

    Thanks for that advice..I have taken it and vow to focus on me more. It’s weird because when I turn more towards me he gets so needy. He will tell me things like he misses me, and he needs his wife, he needs to be near me. It frustrates me to no end. He always pulls that crap when he sees me pulling back a little. It’s how he “plays” me, but oh, I am on to him. I will not give in, we both need to learn to stand alone a little more.

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