So the holidays are an especially difficult time for me, and full of triggers. Knowing that our plans this year included us traveling back to our hometown for Christmas Eve to spend the day with family I prayed for God to help me be strong and not have too many bad thoughts of Nikki and JR. Well I got what I asked for though not how I had hoped. A saying comes to mind…be careful what you wish for. I went to bed on Dec. 23rd not feeling quite right, and woke up on Christmas Eve with a fever. I debated staying home, but my children were already in hometown(HT) and JR said he wouldn’t go without me. So I poured the medicine down and climbed in the car for the 2.5 hour ride to HT. The cough had settled in by the time we arrived and my fever hadn’t budged and my body began to ache. I made it through the girl’s only luncheon and then had my daughters take me to the bowling alley to meet up with JR before going to his mother’s. I carried my bag of goodies with me and kept my bottle of hand sanitizer close to me, my scarf was a great cough blocker. I did my best to keep my germs to myself. Just to add insult to injury my hand had started to become infected from where my daughter’s cat had scratched me 3 days earlier trying to run from me when I found her outside. She is an indoor cat and likes to escape when she can. Needless to say I was not well when I arrived at the bowling alley. I only had one meltdown while I was there and my husband offered to leave and take me to his mother’s to lie down. I did not want to upset the men’s traditional bowling day and we stayed until the games were completed. A quick stop at the pharmacy to stock up on meds and then off to his mother’s house for dinner and gifts.
JR’s mother is very sick with cancer and will most likely not be here for next Christmas which is why it was important for us to be there. I kept my distance from her and made sure I didn’t touch anything in the house. I even used my sleeves to flush the toilet and rubbed my hand sanitizer on the faucet handles after washing my hands. Paranoid is all I can say…please don’t let her catch my bug…so far so good on that one! I did have another meltdown during dinner where I cried and told JR I really needed to get home, then I quickly pulled myself together and he sped things up for my sake. We did end up leaving earlier than we had wanted and 2.5 hours later he tucked me safely into my bed. He got to play Santa on his own this year, though I did manage to get the stockings stuffed. The kids got home and all headed to bed.
Christmas morning arrives and my fever persists. My family got a crash course in cooking our traditional Christmas dinner. I did minimal to help. They did very well and dinner turned out quite well. I managed to hang out in my favorite spot upstairs with the family all day. It was one of those “let’s all stay in pj’s kind of days”. It was not as cheerful as it should have been. I have learned that I am usually responsible for setting the tone for my family and this day I felt like crap. I did the best I could, but early that night I retired to my bed and have been there ever since.
This brings me to my thoughts of being careful what you wish for. This Christmas I prayed and hoped for a holiday that wasn’t tainted with thoughts of Nikki and I got exactly what I wished for. I didn’t think of her at all over the Christmas holiday because all I thought of, was how sick I was. JR has also been wonderful through all of this. He has doted on me constantly. He keeps asking me if he is doing a good job of taking care of me. He says he is trying to do better with this. I know he is flashing back to the last time that I was really sick and was told I could die, and he didn’t even bat an eye. It was right in the middle of his affair with Nikki and nothing was as important as her. It makes me sad that we both constantly need so much reassuring. I hate that because I have been sick, I feel needy and distant from him. I can tell he needs comforting, he keeps telling me he misses me and I have missed him too, however it is impossible to feel lovey or attractive when you can’t breathe and you keep hacking your head off. 2 and a half years ago I could have just been sick without all of this other garbage added to it. It’s funny how an affair truly changes EVERYTHING…it even changes how we get to feel when we are sick.
It has been encouraging to see how JR has been this past week with me, I needed him to want to take care of me, I needed him to do it well and thank God he did it very well. It’s the first time I have been this vulnerable to him and let him care for me the way he did and it felt good. I feel that I “softened” a little to him and our situation. I needed him and he rose to the occasion. Though I didn’t get the Christmas night I had hoped for, with us making love by the soft glow of our Christmas tree, warm in our bed. I did get the gift of JR caring for me in a way I have longed for and I believe he had longed for too…and besides there is always New Year’s Eve!!!