So This is 40…

This is the year I turn 40. I am not quite where I though I would be when this milestone takes place. I had always welcomed 40. I knew it would mark a point in my life where I would have 2 grown daughters, a teenaged son, and celebrate 25 years of marriage to the man of my dreams. I would be in the best shape of my life. I would have great friends and be doing things that I loved. 40 was to be a triumph for me, I had earned all of the calm that should come with turning 40.

The reality is quite different. I find myself being triggered about JR’s affair because of my 40th birthday looming. I am angry with him for robbing me of the joy of turning 40. I can’t help that every time I think of turning that age, that I think about what he did when he turned 40. He started having an affair, he says he was having a midlife crisis. Stupid fucking men and their fear of getting old. I find myself being mean and saying things like, I bet you hope I don’t want what you wanted for your birthday, for my birthday. He always replies with, “No, I hope you don’t decide to have an affair for your birthday.” I always imagined he would get me some wonderful gift, a piece of jewelry perhaps that I could pass on to a granddaughter someday. The financial mess that his 3 year hiatus from work has left us with, wont allow for any expensive gifts of jewelry.

I find that I am settling into a new place of acceptance about where my life is. I have yet to decide if it’s a good or bad thing. I just recently admitted to myself that I have no emotion about what happens to this relationship anymore. The love crazed lunatic that fought and clawed at every detail to try and decipher what had happened and why it had happened, has been replaced with a person who simply is. My emotions no longer seem heightened. I think I spent so much time, and used so much energy experiencing all of the different emotions over the last 2 years that I just have no emotion left. Maybe this is what experiencing so much pain leaves you with. It’s like all of my heart just got used up and it’s left tattered and torn, a big mess of hurt, deceit and lies.

I miss the peace that once was mine. I miss sharing a closeness with a person that can be trusted. I miss trust most of all. I miss the way I used to feel when I stared into JR’s eyes. I miss the trust that used to reside there. Sometimes I even find it hard to look him in the eyes now, the eyes that told me so many lies without blinking. The eyes that lie. I miss the entire conversations that we used to have without any words being spoken, the conversations that we used to have with just our eyes.

I have spent the last 2 years trying to work out in my mind how we would end up, how all of this was/is going to play out. In the past couple of weeks I have decided that I don’t care. Not the I don’t care that is like I am done with this marriage and I will do no more to heal it, but rather the I don’t care that is like I will stop obsessing over every single thing that happens. I will stop analyzing everything that happens. If we don’t have sex…I don’t care. If we don’t do anything special together…I don’t care. If we don’t take trips off together alone…I don’t care. If we do absolutely nothing significant other than exist together in our home day after day…I don’t care. I don’t know how to fully express this. I just know that for the past 2 years I have cared so much about everything, and all it has done is make me unhappy. I have just decided to surrender to everything, for what it is. Things are the way they are, they will continue to get better or they wont. I know that I have done all that I could do these past 2 years to heal myself and my marriage. The rest is up to JR, he is the one who will have to work now to heal this marriage. I have carried us half way and the rest will have to come from him.

I still question whether or not we can be truly fully healed. I’m not so sure that is possible. I don’t know if I feel that way because my heart has been so badly broken, because I have been so damaged, or if it’s because JR has just done enough to get by these past 2 years and hasn’t done any hard work. Would I be further along in my recovery, would I believe in love again with my whole heart if he had done all that he could these past years. I don’t know, all I know is how I feel today.

I will no longer bite my tongue when I feel that something needs to be said. I have done that a lot in the past years, kept things to myself. I always worried that if I said something that JR didn’t like that it would send him back down into some deep dark hole. A hole that I had spent forever trying to get him to climb out of. Now if he finds himself down in a hole he will have to find his own way out. He needs to learn to rescue himself. I have had to rescue myself more times than I can count. I feel that at times I have put a false sense of wellbeing in this relationship because I would sweep my deepest feelings under a rug to protect him. I can no longer do that because it isn’t helpful to my wellbeing. He needs to face the ugly truths head on and heal with that knowledge, not a false one. I am removing the blinders from both of our eyes.

Last night when we were getting ready for bed we had a small spat, it was because I spoke my mind and he’s not used to me doing that. Through out the day JR had touched me suggestively here and there. We have battled sickness for the past 2 weeks so needless to say it has been a while. Right before we headed downstairs to bed he told me his head was hurting. I said it’s ok, what’s the big deal. He was obviously agitated and I couldn’t figure out why. He says, well I wanted to have sex and now my head is hurting. I quickly looked at him and said that I didn’t want to have sex. He seemed hurt by this and snapped at me with something to the affect of, no you just don’t want to have sex with me. I can’t describe how instantly angry I became, all those thoughts of his affair come crashing into my mind. He was the one who fucked someone else and now had the nerve to say that to me. How dare him. I almost lost it, but quickly regained myself control and quietly responded with, no I don’t want to have sex with anybody, I just don’t want sex period. I have become sexually numb. I have always been very sexual, I was the one who complained we didn’t do it enough. 3 or 4 times a week wasn’t enough, I could do it every day. Now I don’t seem to want it at all anymore. I told him that even when he touches me like that throughout the day that I don’t allow myself to feel aroused. I reminded him of the last time he touched me like that, which was 3 weeks ago that nothing happened between us. We had been out Christmas shopping and had enjoyed just being together. He had stroked my breast  a few times here and there, kissed me passionately many times through out the day, and in the line at Starbucks he grabbed my hand and placed it on his erect penis and kissed me, then said, do you see what you do to me. A few hours later we were heading off to bed and I thought for sure we would have sex. I had allowed myself to become aroused through out the day. The night quickly turned bad because for whatever reason, JR was no longer feeling sexual and didn’t have any desire to be with me. This has been the scenario more times than I can remember these past 2 years, so the way I deal with it now is by simply not allowing myself to become aroused.

We laid there after him pouting for a few minutes post spat. He was staring at me, with his head laying on his pillow, I laid down beside him and asked why was he staring at me? He says, can’t I just stare at my wife. At that moment I told him a truth that I had known for quite some time but had never said out loud. I said no, you can’t I don’t like it, it makes me uncomfortable when you stare at me. Nikki was very beautiful and post affair I don’t like JR to stare at me, I always worry that he is comparing us in his mind. I know it’s just my insecurities rearing their ugly head, but it is truly how I feel. He swears that he has never compared us, but if I’m being honest, I don’t believe that is entirely true. He pulled my head to his and kissed me on the lips, then I bent my head down and he kissed my forehead, it was then that I began to cry. I told him that I hated how weird things were between us sometimes, that I missed how comfortable we had always been with each other. Will I ever know that comfort again with JR, is it possible? Is loving a person enough to regain all that we have lost? Will I ever feel totally comfortable with him again? I so miss the intimacy that we used to share.

I have said things to him recently that are hard for him to hear. It is no secret to anyone who knows us to know that we have suffered financially because of JR’s affair. When I came into the business to help it was supposed to be so that JR could focus his attention elsewhere building up a different part of our business. That isn’t what happened at all, instead he basically quit working, comfortable to live off of the money I was earning for us. It was enough and we had a good life, but it could have been so much more. This allowed him the time to have an affair, it also soured me on working, period. I hated my job after his affair, I wanted no part of it, 6 months ago we gave up the part of the business that I handled. This meant that we gave up $250,000 worth of income. JR has just in these 6 months begun to work again. He hasn’t even come close to matching the money we gave up. I have not minded, I am happier than I was before and I have adjusted to the loss of income. This became our topic of conversation on New Year’s Eve as we were driving to dinner. He asked me why I thought he continues to make the same mistakes in our business that he does. I told him he wouldn’t like my answer. I told him because he has adopted a pattern of only doing what he has to do to get by. He does “just enough” in his life to survive. I told him this is how he has treated this affair recovery and me these whole past 2 years. Then I told him that earlier that day I realized that I don’t truly trust anyone in my life. The people I am closest to have all betrayed me, all of them. I found myself reflecting on my life with the thought of the new year looming. These were both hard truths for JR to hear, but truths he needed to hear. The next morning, he woke before me and went to the store for the things I would need to cook our traditional New Year’s Day dinner. He woke me up with flowers and thanked me for the talk we had. He says it helped him, and he is seeing himself in a new way. He asked me do I think he’s doing better and I told him that yes I did. The past 3 weeks he has seemed different, but I also explained that I don’t trust that because we have been here before and that he has relapsed into his deep dark hole.

So this is not at all how I imagined turning 40 would be, but I will do my best this year to make the most of it that I can. I will start by planning for our annual birthday trip to the mountains. JR and I started taking this trip 3 years ago for my birthday. This will be our 4th year, we even managed to make it the year that it came just 5 weeks post Dday. We almost didn’t go that year, and have talked about changing it and going some place new, but it truly is a wonderful trip and we both look forward to it and enjoy the time alone. My hope is that this year it will be about rest, and reconnecting with each other with no expectations…just calm and peace.

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9 Responses to So This is 40…

  1. I go through periods of feeling numb as well. It usually happens after we’ve gone through a rough patch. My husband is very attune to my moods and any disconnect between us, he begs me to reconnect emotionally and physically with him. Sometimes I can do it right away other times I’m like a zombie for days. Losing income is hard, my husband walked away from his VP job where he was one of the top 1% earners in the US. It was a big deal… We own a lot of stock in the company he worked for and we made wise investments so we are okay but it’s different living on savings versus living off a paycheck. We have started to buy homes to flip and rent out. We’re on our way to turning a profit but it takes awhile.

    I hope your birthday trip is great! Maybe you can get some of that fondling in!!! LOL

    • kayboo24 says:

      I’m just hopeful to find a happy medium with my emotions…over the past 2 years I seem to either feel everything all at once or I feel nothing at all. I just want to feel “normal” again. It seems so out of reach for me still. We are coming off of a very rough patch, and I guess I am just done emotionally for the time being. I have read that affair recovery can take 5 years or more, when this happened I thought to myself, that’s an absurdly long time. Now it seems very realistic and most likely how it will be for me. 5 years, 5 years of my life stolen from me for a whore. A whore who right after my husband went back to her husband and just 2 months later was involved with another guy who she moved in with. How simple and pathetic can a person be? It kills me that it’s already been 2 years, how will I endure 3 more? Certain things can still make it feel like it happened just yesterday, I wonder if that ever goes away completely?

      • I’ve read the same thing about the 2-5 years. I agree it seems like to long. I already feel like 7 years of my life has been stolen from me. I wonder though if my feelings are correct, I did not know about the affair for all those years. I’ve only known about it for 14 months. Aside from my husband being an alcoholic I was fairly happy and content during the years I had no idea the affair was going on.

        I guess I need to decide if I’m going to be a glass half full or glass half empty kind of woman.

      • kayboo24 says:

        I was always a glass half full kind of gal, before the affair. Now I don’t know what I am, guess it depends on the day…I need to work on that.

  2. soselfindulgent says:

    Best wishes on your trip. I hope you guys can work it out, if that is what’s actually best for you two.

    • kayboo24 says:

      Thanks. You know if you remove all of the bad, the affair and everything tied to it, we really are made for one another. It’s just now, it’s so hard to navigate through this relationship.

  3. S says:

    All I have to say is hang in there. I love your blog, because you don’t hold back. You are raw and honest, and your writing shows how tough and strong you are, even if you feel weak at times.

    Maybe you will never have the “unblemished” optimism and trust you had before you discovered the affair, but at the same time, the matured (not jaded… never jaded) view that you have now has its own benefits. Don’t let his past actions detract from what is a special birthday and a special year for YOU. You do not need him to be happy. You choose to be with him, but you do not NEED him. If you don’t want to go on the trip with him for your birthday, you do not have to. You can do anything you want to celebrate, and nothing and nobody can stop you!

    Also, on the topic of self esteem, I remember reading in one of your earlier posts that when you saw Nikki, your first reaction was that ok she was pretty, but she really was not all that. You also recognized (and JR agreed) that she couldn’t even begin compare to how you looked when you were her age. So, maybe the comparison in your mind today is just your mind playing tricks to feed insecurities where really none should exist, because Nikki CANNOT compare to you. Remind yourself that when you actually saw her in person for the first time, you were not impressed! Later events definitely colour our perceptions, and the more an affair progresses, the more we may start to convince ourselves the OW is more attractive, more intelligent, more whatever. After all, why would our husbands continue to be with them if this were not the case? (hah!) First impressions are usually the most accurate, however. They are the most honest, in my opinion. So, trust your first impression. This Nikki is nothing special in looks or personality. She is NOT sooooo hot that your husband couldn’t resist her. She CANNOT hold a candle to you. In fact, as a stranger who has no idea what either of you look like, I would still be willing to bet a thousand dollars that she is NOT more attractive than you. The bottom line is that your husband was a selfish idiot to have an affair. It was because of his nature that he slept with someone else, not because the other woman was so beautiful and enchanting and blah blah blah. DO NOT let the shadow of his idiocy affect how you perceive yourself either physically or emotionally!

  4. kayboo24 says:

    Thanks for that, it is hard to deal with the insecurities. Today JR and I talked about how I wrote about Nikki here. He doesn’t like that I use the word beautiful to describe her. He says on the outside, her appearance may be pretty, but that on the inside she is an ugly person. He says she bought her beauty…fake boobs, fake teeth, fake nails, fake hair, etc. He says she does that because it’s the only way she can feel good about herself because the inside is so messed up. Then he looks at me and tells me how beautiful I am, not only on the outside, but on the inside. He tells me about how big my heart is, and how completely I love. He tells me that I am kind, generous, and how willing I am to help anyone I can whenever I can. He tells me many more things and then says, those things along with your outward beauty, are the reasons why I love you. I do love him completely and I know that he will do all in his power to make my birthday trip amazing. We really have always had an amazing time there and it truly is special to us.

  5. S says:

    I am so glad he said those things to you! Yes, he is correct!!! Comparing fake beauty and real beauty is not a comparison at all! It reminds me of something my grandmother would say when I was young and going through the typical teenage angst of thinking I was ugly and fat and just unworthy: She would say to me (in translation), “You can make even a donkey look beautiful if you pay enough attention to adornments… you are beautiful in a true way not such a false way. You have physical beauty even if you do not recognize it. More than that, you have inner beauty which cannot help but charm and enchant everyone you meet. Be glad you are a beautiful girl, and not a made up donkey!”

    Now, I am not so sure that my grandmother was being entirely unbiased in her observations of the “charm” I possessed, but I fully believe she was absolutely right! Anyone can look pretty with the right baubles and surgeries and treatments and makeup.. but, the wholesome beauty of someone who is natural and not “plasticized” is so much more preferable in my opinion (think wholesome beach girl versus porn star). And more than anything, nothing can compare to your inner beauty. It seems like JR recognizes that too, which is great! Inner beauty DOES exist, and it makes outer beauty shine even brighter. I have no doubt that in your case, your inner and outer beauty DO charm and enchant everyone you meet! 🙂

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