How do I feel about this new year? I don’t really “feel” anything. I am not a big resolution person. A joke a saw recently says…What is a New Year’s Resolution? It’s a “To Do” List for the first week of January. I think that pretty much sums it up. So with no resolution this year, I have decided to work on myself. I have spent the last 2 years of my life working on my marriage and compromising so many of the things I used to believe in. This year will be about me and the hopes and dreams that I had. Until JR’s affair I always focused on my hopes and dreams as our hopes and dreams. He changed all of that when he shared his, no our, life with Nikki. Now I want to focus on things I want and need. I have spent so much of my life worrying about others, it’s time to worry about me.
The first thing being the home I live in. I don’t like it, I just really don’t. When we moved to the beach shortly after the affair, we compromised on the home we chose. JR wanted to be as close to the water as we could manage to get and we settled for a home that was on a dead end street that has a pier and a boat ramp. We can see the water from our porch and though I hated the house, I loved the location. I told JR if certain things were done to the house I could manage to live here. That has now changed and I realized that I wanted a house on the beach. I want to sit on my porch and stare out into the ocean, I want to walk down my stairs and put my feet in the sand. I want to wake up early and watch the sun rise over the waves. So, we are moving. I told JR that it was time to go and he has notified all of our real estate offices to begin the hunt for a new house on the beach. I’m ready for a move, now to find the home to move to. I ask myself why this move is important to me? When we moved into this house we were running from the reality of what had become of our life. I feel myself becoming restless and I worry that I am trying to run again. Then I think is that so bad really? We spent some of the worst post Ddays in this house. We have fought and said hurtful things here. There are many bad reminders here. I think that we have reached a point in our healing that a new home wouldn’t be tainted with so much bad stuff. We still have bad days, but nothing like we used to. We don’t say hateful hurtful things to each other anymore and most of the “bad” conversations end up with positive results. So, whatever the reason for the move, I can’t find one reason that makes it a bad idea.
Feed my body, nourish it. I love to cook, I always have. I don’t enjoy it like I used to. I hate the kitchen in this house, it’s very small. I used to make cakes, beautiful cakes. I don’t do that anymore because I lack the space in this kitchen. I need a bigger kitchen, it’s at the top of my priority list in the hunt. I told myself when we moved that I would explore new dishes for us to try. I have access to fresh seafood daily and have not taken full advantage of that. I love to try new things, JR does not, nor does my son. I often will skip cooking something I like because I know they will not want it. Well too bad for them, from today on I will start making more of the things I like to eat, and to trying new dishes that I will like. Cereal sounds like a good dinner for them if they don’t like the one prepared.
Feed my mind, my soul, my spirit. I never take time just for me. I used to read all the time. The only books I have read in 2 years deal with affairs and betrayal. I have always loved horror stories, and “feel good” books. I love to make stained glass, I love to sew, I enjoy building things…making things. I have spent so much time worrying about JR and this marriage that I have ignored my passions in life. A couple of months after Dday I signed myself up for a pottery and a photography class. I was trying to feel independent from him, let him wonder what I was doing for a few hours, a couple of days a week. That quickly ended as my mind wasn’t able to focus on the task of learning anything. I became a drop out. I think that now may be a good time to explore broadening my horizons again. I want to take back some of the hours in the week to do things that I enjoy doing. If that means that JR has to pick up take out for dinner or a load of laundry wait’s a day or so to get done, then so be it.
Strengthen my body. Get myself to a place where I feel good about me again. The one thing that JR’s affair robbed me of that pisses me off the most were the improvements I had made to my body. I vowed 3 years ago to be in the best shape of my life when I turned 40. I was well on my way to that when my world was flipped upside down. I had lost over 85 lbs and was on a steady work out regimen. I felt great and was almost at my target. Now 2 years later I have put 40 of those lbs back on and have stopped working out completely. The only thing I do consistently, is remain sad. I did manage to lose 10 of those lbs in Oct/Nov. and I promise myself to lose the rest and more in the upcoming year. I will get myself back into an exercise routine because not only did I look better, I felt better, my mind was more clear, more focused.
So in this new year I vow to do more for myself, to take the kind of care of myself that no one else can. To be better to myself than I have been in years. To place myself above others when it is necessary. To never tell myself that someone is more important than I am. I promise to give myself the gift of being a little selfish, to taking what I need and valuing what I want. I vow to worry less about a relationship that I only control half of and to worry more about the relationship that I have with myself, that I control all of. I have forgotten about me these past two years. I have been unfair, unkind and impatient with myself. This is my year of me, and today is just the beginning. Tonight I am making something for dinner that I have wanted to make for many months but feared that I may be the only one who likes it, oh well guess that means I can have seconds 😉