Tonight after dinner I popped on my blog to check for any new posts. JR noticed me on my laptop and asked what I was looking at as he walked over to my chair. I told him my blog, I had gotten some comments on “So This is 40” and was reading over them. He sat down and saw the comments and asked if that was me…I scrolled to the top of the page and then started scrolling down and replied…no, this is me. He says, “Oh, can I read it?” JR has never asked to read any of the posts I’ve written before and when I write them I never have any thoughts of him reading them, though I knew I would never deny him that should he ever ask to. It’s just that when I write them I don’t hold anything back, I don’t worry about hurting feelings. I told him sure he could read it, but that he may not like all of what he reads.
So as I sat on the couch helping my son with homework, JR sat in our chair and commenced to reading. I found myself glancing at him from time to time to see if I could read any reaction on his face. When he was done he placed his hands over his eyes and began rubbing his face, it seemed like he was in pain. Maybe he was in tears and didn’t want us to see him, I don’t know. He sat there for a moment and then asked did I still want to get in the hot tub and I said yes that I did. I had mentioned before dinner that I would like to get in because my back felt a little stiff and the hot water always helps to loosen me up. So he went downstairs to retrieve our robes and he proceeded to get in while I helped my son finish up a paper he was writing.
When I finally make it in the hot tub JR is almost asleep. I expect him to say something to me, but he doesn’t. He was very tired because apparently last night when I switched off our TV and drifted off in my Benadryl induced slumber, he says he woke up and was awake for hours. I asked him why and he says he just had a lot on his mind and it was racing. He says he even tried to “get some” from me but I didn’t budge…you think, maybe because I WAS ASLEEP!!! I hate when he does stuff like that. So I ask him does he need to say anything to me and he replies, “No, you can’t help the way you feel. The past 2 years have made you feel this way, I understand.” He then asks if I am planning on attending his ball game on Friday afternoon to which I reply “of course.” He knows that I wouldn’t miss his game, why the need to ask me?
So now he seems wounded and that just irritates me to no end. He went to bed…alone. I usually go down with him and watch TV in bed because he likes the comfort of me just being near him, but tonight I chose to stay upstairs, alone.
Why did all of that irritate me so much. I hate how needy he has become. I miss the strong, confident, slightly arrogant man who used to be my husband. Like today when he came home and we were alone, he sat down on the couch and asked me, “Did you miss me today?” To which I replied, “Did you miss me?” “Of course I did, I miss you every time I’m away from you,” he says. I asked him then why did he always tell me he misses me…he never did this before the affair. He had no reply. It bugs the shit out of me now when he asks me if I missed him every freaking time he leaves the house for more than a couple of hours…it’s exhausting. Why now does he miss me, he sure as fuck didn’t miss me all of those countless hours that he spent with Nikki. I hate that he acts like it hurts him if I don’t carry on and on about missing him. I always reply with of course I missed you, whether I did or not.
I just want to speak my mind, speak the truth, without him seeming so wounded by every fucking thing I say.