Tonight after dinner I popped on my blog to check for any new posts. JR noticed me on my laptop and asked what I was looking at as he walked over to my chair. I told him my blog, I had gotten some comments on “So This is 40” and was reading over them. He sat down and saw the comments and asked if that was me…I scrolled to the top of the page and then started scrolling down and replied…no, this is me. He says, “Oh, can I read it?” JR has never asked to read any of the posts I’ve written before and when I write them I never have any thoughts of him reading them, though I knew I would never deny him that should he ever ask to. It’s just that when I write them I don’t hold anything back, I don’t worry about hurting feelings. I told him sure he could read it, but that he may not like all of what he reads.
So as I sat on the couch helping my son with homework, JR sat in our chair and commenced to reading. I found myself glancing at him from time to time to see if I could read any reaction on his face. When he was done he placed his hands over his eyes and began rubbing his face, it seemed like he was in pain. Maybe he was in tears and didn’t want us to see him, I don’t know. He sat there for a moment and then asked did I still want to get in the hot tub and I said yes that I did. I had mentioned before dinner that I would like to get in because my back felt a little stiff and the hot water always helps to loosen me up. So he went downstairs to retrieve our robes and he proceeded to get in while I helped my son finish up a paper he was writing.
When I finally make it in the hot tub JR is almost asleep. I expect him to say something to me, but he doesn’t. He was very tired because apparently last night when I switched off our TV and drifted off in my Benadryl induced slumber, he says he woke up and was awake for hours. I asked him why and he says he just had a lot on his mind and it was racing. He says he even tried to “get some” from me but I didn’t budge…you think, maybe because I WAS ASLEEP!!! I hate when he does stuff like that. So I ask him does he need to say anything to me and he replies, “No, you can’t help the way you feel. The past 2 years have made you feel this way, I understand.” He then asks if I am planning on attending his ball game on Friday afternoon to which I reply “of course.” He knows that I wouldn’t miss his game, why the need to ask me?
So now he seems wounded and that just irritates me to no end. He went to bed…alone. I usually go down with him and watch TV in bed because he likes the comfort of me just being near him, but tonight I chose to stay upstairs, alone.
Why did all of that irritate me so much. I hate how needy he has become. I miss the strong, confident, slightly arrogant man who used to be my husband. Like today when he came home and we were alone, he sat down on the couch and asked me, “Did you miss me today?” To which I replied, “Did you miss me?” “Of course I did, I miss you every time I’m away from you,” he says. I asked him then why did he always tell me he misses me…he never did this before the affair. He had no reply. It bugs the shit out of me now when he asks me if I missed him every freaking time he leaves the house for more than a couple of hours…it’s exhausting. Why now does he miss me, he sure as fuck didn’t miss me all of those countless hours that he spent with Nikki. I hate that he acts like it hurts him if I don’t carry on and on about missing him. I always reply with of course I missed you, whether I did or not.
I just want to speak my mind, speak the truth, without him seeming so wounded by every fucking thing I say.
Is this really my marriage? 
Sometimes it’s hard when we get what we want too, don’t you think? It sounds as if you now have a slightly wounded, sensitive husband — for now anyway. Isn’t that what you wanted to begin with? Why would you want that arrogant, confidant cheater back? Aren’t those traits what led him to stray to begin with?
You are not alone in your feelings. I spoke to my therapist yesterday about finding a healthy man after my own fucked up shit. It will be tough to get used to someone responsive and normal after having someone so distant and crazy for almost a decade. But that’s part of our recovery, no?
True, true. It’s just the confidence that JR always had is gone. I miss it, it made me feel safe and secure. Confidence in anything and everything, like he could conquer, no, we could conquer anything together. He says that the affair has stripped him of everything, all of his self worth, self confidence, etc. I know it will just take time. He has always been a sensitive man, he isn’t afraid to show his emotions. He only stopped doing that with me during the affair. All of this will just take time, lots and lots of time.
I hate time. But I understand.
“why did all of this irritate me so much” good question to ask yourself. I think his reaction was appropriate, he sat and reviewed your entire blog in one sitting, it had to be a lot to take in emotionally. Would you have felt better if he’d have smiled and said oh hon your blog is so awesome and acted happy about it? If I was you I’d be happy that he was wallowing in his own shit a little bit. He got to read in your written words the effect his actions had on you and your marriage from your point of view. It should have hurt him, it’s supposed to be painful. My husband reads every post I do, he actually gets an e-mail for each post. Sometimes he likes what I write sometimes he cries. I get what you mean about wanting the “man” back, we talked about it in therapy, actually I yelled and said “I just need him to be the man in the relationship.” the problem with my thinking is that he is still the man and he acts as such, but we went so long without him showing raw emotion that I became uncomfortable when he would cry or get upset and sad over the things he’s done. Now I welcome that show of emotion, I feel it’s what makes him a real man. I want to see his pain, I need him to share it with me. Compassion litterally means to suffer with, we had to learn how to have that kind of compassion for each other.
I imagine he wants to know that you miss him because he’s scared to lose you. After an affair both spouses live in fear, how could you not. He’s just looking for reassurance that you want and need him. When my husband and I are apart we text each other saying “I miss you” I always tell him “I can’t wait to see your sweet face”.
I say let him be wounded… This to shall pass. {{{{ Hugs}}}}
You always call me on my bullshit…I need that. You are right, and after thinking about it I am glad that reading it had an effect on him. It would have pissed me off more if he would have walked away fine. I think I was just irritated that he didn’t talk to me and I knew it bothered him. He is still struggling with communicating with me post affair. Today he came home early from work because he had an early game. I was up late last night and was still in bed, it was about 11:30am. He woke me up with kisses and crawled into bed with me. He made love to me twice today, and during the 3 hours that we spent in bed he talked to me about what he read and the things that bothered him. I knew he had some opinion about it, I’m glad he worked through it and was able to talk about it. Some healing took place today and I love that I am starting to have more and more sexual encounters with JR where I don’t think about Nikki at all. It’s weird to me, she has been so present for so long. When we got up I told him that I loved how we were today, we were so relaxed, and it honestly felt like just the 2 of us there. It has been a great day today, bring on tomorrow!
That sounds like a good day! Healing is good. I’m glad you were able to look at the blog thing from a different perspective…. Sounds like the penis fondling has paid off too… LOL…
One more point…. It seems your husband has let Nikki go maybe you should to. The less I obsess on the OW the easier it is for me to live in the here and now. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments but she crosses my mind less and less these days. I just want to be happy today, I have my husband not some skank whore. I got what I wanted. Seems from all your post I’ve read you wanted to keep your husband too…. You got what you wanted….
I really do think of her less and less, this is just a difficult time of year for us and I have some more trigger days coming up, but then it’s smooth sailing for about 6 months!
This sounds exasperating! I understand how you must feel
You’ve probably heard this before, but all the literature I’ve read says it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. To be honest, I don’t know many people who reach the recovery mark at 2 years. Most are looking at 5 years of consistent, hard work at repairing the marriage. Also, just about everyone trying to reconcile that I’ve talked to all agree that year 2 FREAKING SUCKS. The good news is you’ve gotten through year 2 and you’re still standing together. Hopefully the hardest part is past you and things will only get better from here. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for you. 🙂
He needs to be wounded. He’ll get over it eventually, or maybe it’s better that it sits with him over a period of time. I’m not living with my husband so he has no idea I have my blog and I’m keeping it that way for now.