Am I just Asking For Too Much?

What a night…and morning. It all started with a good friend of mine calling on Saturday night to say she was moving her son into his dorm for school on Sunday in the town next to ours. Her husband had been scheduled for jury duty on Monday and wasn’t able to come with them. She asked if I would like to come and hang out then stay the night with her, she had planned on getting a hotel room. She is a very good friend to me and lives in hometown(HT), I was with her on Dday shortly after JR told me. She was the first person I saw and told after I had found out. She and her husband were both very helpful to JR and I during some of our darkest days post Dday. I instantly said yes, I was excited to see her and haven’t had any good girl talk in a very long time. It was also a nice distraction since we had dropped my oldest daughter off at the airport Sunday morning for her to head back to Florida for her job. JR and I were going to another friend’s house to help them move some furniture and then going to have lunch with them before I was to meet up with Tammy.

As we were riding in the car all of a sudden a sickening feeling came over me…what if she booked a room at the same hotel that JR had taken Nikki to on their first out of town trip? I almost thought I was going to actually get sick, I gasped out loud and grabbed my stomach. JR noticed and asked what was wrong? I told him what I was thinking and he told me to text her and ask, so I did. She hadn’t booked a room yet so I requested anywhere but the hotel that they had actually stayed at, she completely understood. She had even driven me once to get receipts from hotels in HT because I didn’t trust myself to drive that night. There isn’t much that she doesn’t know about mine and JR’s situation.

So we met up with each other and JR kissed me good bye, and told me he would miss me. I told him I would text him later when we figured out what we were going to do. We ended up taking her son to Wal-Mart to grab a few things he needed, then dropped him off at his dorm, then finished up some other shopping. When the shopping was done we headed to the hotel to get checked in and check on some movie times. We ended up staying at the Hampton Inn, also a hotel chain that JR and Nikki had stayed in, but not the actual one they were at, so I was ok, or at least I thought I was.

We decided to go see This Is 40, seeing as how I will turn 40 on the 17th of this month. It was a really cute movie and we both enjoyed it. We left and grabbed a few things from the store…wine and snacks, then headed back to the room, I had text JR and told him I would call him when we arrived back at the room. Tammy had to be at a parent orientation early the next morning so we couldn’t have a late night. Back at the room we got settled and I tried to call JR…no answer. So I sent him a text, still no answer. Over an hour later he finally calls me and asks have I gotten any of the texts he had sent me…I had not. Now I know he was home with our son, but I can’t lie and say that it doesn’t trigger me when he doesn’t answer his phone or reply to a text quickly. These were both things he would do when he was with Nikki, he ignored me all the time.

Tammy always asks how things are between us and if I have heard anything from Nikki, she knows that she harassed us for a while after the affair ended. So I decided to share something with her that has bothered me since I found it. The first thing you need to know is that Nikki is not a beach person, she doesn’t like the water at all. JR has told me this more than once. The second thing is that JR started getting some odd phone calls about a month ago and he told me this immediately. A strange number was calling him, not enough digits to call it back, and the person on the other end would hang up. He answered it on speaker phone once so I could listen, very strange. So I told Tammy these 2 things then pulled up Nikki’s Pinterest Page. 5 weeks ago Nikki pinned a nautical charm bracelet with 4 charms, one of them was a heart with a J, an anchor, a sailboat, and a starfish. The other thing was an outfit that was titled with JR’s real name. After JR told me about the phone calls and I saw this I showed him. I asked was the bracelet anything like something she would wear, he said no, and again said she doesn’t even like the beach. I showed him the outfit and he said yes, that she had worn clothing similar to that when she was with him. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to get into that stuff that night with Tammy, but I wanted her opinion on it. JR and I both thought it was very strange, Tammy agreed. I now believe that maybe Nikki was triggered about something and she was calling JR. Either way, I find it a little twisted that she would pin a bracelet with a J on a heart and an outfit with his name for the title. Anyone who does pinterest knows you can change the comments if you want to. Surely she didn’t pin those things by accident, it just makes me sick.

So by this time it has gotten late and Tammy has gone to sleep and this leaves me alone with my thoughts. Then it hits me, I am in a hotel without my husband. A Hampton Inn at that. It wasn’t the first time I had been in a hotel since the affair, but it was the first time I had been in one alone, without JR. It was the first time I had time to lay in a hotel bed and think…about them together in a bed like the one I was laying in. It was awful, such a terrible trigger. I barely slept and when I did I had horrible nightmares of searching for JR at hotels. I knew he was with Nikki and I kept looking for them, until I found them in the hotel, in bed together.

The next morning Tammy said I was talking in my sleep and I never do that. When I awoke I text JR to say good morning. He called me and we spoke briefly. Tammy was getting ready to leave and my plan was to get up and shower and head home. For whatever reason as soon as she left I fell to pieces and started texting JR. I wanted answers, all of these awful things popped in my head things I hadn’t asked him before. I wanted to know did he request king size beds when he got their rooms, did he fuck her multiple times when they were together, did he cum both times if he did. I knew he fucked her twice the first day they were together, once that morning when they checked in and later that afternoon when they got back from the beach, that’s all I knew. I had figured it out because of his phone calls, and I asked him once early on and his reply was just yes. We were at a restaurant when I asked and I immediately got up and left after he answered.

So now I wanted details, and as usual all I got were vague answers. The “I don’t remembers”…I went postal. First it was a text, no…no, king beds, always doubles. Then me saying so you never got a room with a king bed. Then no response. Then…does it matter? Then me…did you often fuck her more than once in a day, I know you would stay in the rooms for 4 and 5 hours. Again no answer. Then a text, do we have to do this? Him…yes we would, I have told you that before. Me…no you haven’t, I knew about the first time, so did you fuck her twice often? Him…No. Then a long pause. Me…why are you taking so long to respond. Him…driving. Me…then fucking pull over and finish this conversation with me. Him… Can’t have employee with me. Me…so yes you did or no you didn’t, you have given me both answers. Me…Answer these when you stop driving fucked her twice at least half the times you met 2. Would you cum both times usually 3. Did she ever get king size beds? Sorry if answering questions about your affair makes you uncomfortable. Him…we had a king size bed once. Once or twice we had sex more than once in the same visit. I never, never, came twice. Never. Me…you always do this when I ask specifics, you dance around the answers, I fucking hate that you do that to me. Just answer the fucking questions honestly the first time I ask them. Him…I’m sorry, I’m going to be completely honest.

Then there were a few more things I said. He asked where I was, I told him I was still in the hotel. Then he calls me. We spend an hour on the phone going back and forth about some stuff. I still don’t think I got those questions answered. I ended up throwing out some other stuff and then I brought up the fact that he planned to go to HT on Tuesday.

JR and Nikki met most of the time on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s…yes there were maybe one or 2 other random days in there, but normally it was Tuesday or Thursday. JR used to have to travel to HT often for work before we closed down our office there this past July. I always hated if he would go on either of those days. More than once, actually many times I have explained this to him and how stressful it is to me, I fucking hate it, even when I knew that Nikki had moved from HT…it didn’t matter, it’s a huge trigger. I asked him to please not plan to travel to HT on either of these days anymore. He agreed.

He has a Bball game in a town tomorrow night that is halfway between where we live now and HT. So about 10 days ago he announces that he is going to go to HT on Tuesday to see his Mom because it will be easy for him since he had the game halfway between. I really hadn’t said a lot about it until a few days ago. Our son also has a game that night near where JR’s game is. My car is in the shop and I have been driving JR’s truck. So I asked him how was I going to get to our son’s game, he says for me to drive our daughter’s car…which has been acting up and he knows this. So a few days ago I suggested he just go on Wednesday. He says no it’s easier for him to go Tuesday. He says he will even drive the work truck and I can drive his truck. Ok so whatever. Then after the day I had today, instead of looking at him and saying…You CAN NOT go to HT tomorrow I say, I can’t handle you being in HT tomorrow, so I will go with you. Now I really don’t want to go to HT, but I don’t want to be difficult. Well, as the night wears on so does my patience. We get in the hot tub and I am struggling, he sees this and asks me why. I told him I just can’t go to HT after the day I have had. I say I will stay home and just sleep through the day, he says well you have to go to my son’s game. I say I know, I am going…of course I am. So now I am upset and he is irritated and then announces, fine I wont go, I will go another day. So now I feel like shit. Then we end up downstairs arguing about it again. I say why did you pick Tuesday in the first place? He says I just thought you would go with me. I said, did I ever tell you I was going with you? He says no, but I thought you were until a few days ago when you started asking about what to drive to my son’s game. I say, well did you ask me then if I was going with you? He says, no. You are right, I just figured since you were doing better it wasn’t a big deal anymore…blah, blah, blah. I said no, you chose that day because your own words, when I suggested Wednesday were, no that Tuesday was easier for YOU!!!

When I got home today, he came home to see me because he knew how awful my morning was. He ended up leading me downstairs to our bed and we made love. Then he had to go back to work for a little bit. What makes this so hard for me is that I don’t know if he is just handling me or he is just really that fucking clueless. Tonight when we were arguing I looked at him and said you handle me the same way you did Nikki. He has told me that when he would try and back away from her, and she would start to go postal and threaten to tell me about them, that he would cave and give her what she wanted, which was him in the bedroom. He knows that I feel very comforted by him in bed and I feel like he uses that to calm me down sometimes. When I threw that at him, he says no, you had a really bad morning, I had a bad morning and I missed you last night and I wanted to make love to my wife. The thing is he does this to me all the time and it’s making me NUTS!

The HT thing should just never some up. I have made it VERY clear about those 2 days and he chooses to ignore this. I understand if it is unavoidable and out of his control…but I refuse to understand if he is the one picking the day. Is this unfair of me?

So once again he went to bed alone and I am here on this computer with my mind racing. Who knows when I will calm enough for sleep. I am so tired of this repetitive cycle. I just want him to learn how to place me above himself sometimes, especially when it is because of something linked to his betrayal. Is that really so much to ask?

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14 Responses to Am I just Asking For Too Much?

  1. I am sorry you are feeling this way. So many triggers – Campanile Hotel chains are one of mine as my husband and his AP went to several of them while the affair was going on. Even driving by one of their signs can set me off. I think sometimes our husbands have no idea that what they say (or sometimes what they don’t say) has such an effect on us. I know when my husband comes up with ‘I don’t know, or ‘I don’t remember’ – it really makes me mad. Straight away I think ‘well how could you have done what you have done if you can’t even remember what went on? – it couldn’t have been anything to you if you don’t remember’. Which leads to ‘how could you throw away our marriage over something which meant so little to you.’ This drove me, and still drives me mad. I can also see direct comparisons to the way in which some of our ‘discussions’ about the affair go. I get madder and madder and ask for more and more gory details about what, where, how – things which you can’t unlearn when you hear them. Someone much wiser than me once said only ask the questions you can stand the answers to. But it is so hard to stop when the cycle starts, I do feel for you.

    No it is not unfair for you to ask him not to go to your HT on the days which are so significant. You have made it clear they are triggers for you (and they would be for anyone I think). Can you speak to your husband again? I know from my point of view when my husband does something which triggers me I sometimes feel why the hell should I have to tell him again, he should realise this is such a big deal for me. But sometimes I know my husband does things without thinking (even when he shouldn’t). It is hard, and the most awful thing when it hits. I hope you have managed to get some sleep, and I am sending you very best wishes. SE

    • kayboo24 says:

      We did end up speaking again. He actually chose to stay home today, he woke me up with kisses this morning, and I opened my eyes and said please just go, I’ll be fine. (I really hate being difficult) He kissed me again and said no, I’ll go tomorrow, it’s fine. Then he told me to go back to sleep, he knew I didn’t get to bed until very late, around 3am. Later he woke me up again and told me he wanted to take me to lunch before he had to leave at 1pm for his ballgame. On the way to lunch he asked me would I go with him to HT on Wednesday, I said yes that would be nice. I again apologized for being so unreasonable and he told me that I didn’t need to apologize, he knew the mistake was his and he totally understands where I am coming from. Later I told him thank you and that his actions today showed me that he truly cares for my feelings and how I am doing. He is really beginning to act differently about things when they come up…finally. Before he left he grabbed me and said, you know we will be fine one day and we are getting through these situations much easier and faster than we have in the past…and he is right. It’s been a long time coming, I just hope it continues.

  2. Wow. I’m so sorry you went through all that. I also can’t stay at the same hotel chain that my husband stayed at with his whore. He gave all the reward points to our daughter. He traveled every week for work and often stayed at the same chain. It also happens to be the hotel brand I worked for before I quit my job. Bastard. There were a few hotel chains but his affair lasted 6 years and he can’t remember every hotel. Which fucking sucks. I also can’t go to Atlanta because that’s where most of the affair took place, but he also fucked her in TN, FL, AL, MA, he fucked a stripper in AZ, two prostitutes in NYC, and my friend in HI. So geographically I’m kinda fucked. We keep talking about taking a winter trip but I think about what states I’ll have to drive through or if we fly where the layovers will be. We just have to hope that, this to shall pass. If I let all of these things bother me forever I’m giving her and their affair control over my life and I refuse to let that whore dictate my life or have continued influence on “my marriage”.

    • kayboo24 says:

      I completely understand that. I hate giving the affair any control. I do believe that all of this will pass. I honestly think that had I not stayed with Tammy in that hotel, I would have been fine going to HT on Tuesday with JR. I believe that’s why when he said he was going I never pushed the issue of him changing days, I am trying to take back the control from the affair. It’s just with such a huge trigger happening and such an awful morning, I simply couldn’t deal with it. When we argue it doesn’t ever get heated, we don’t yell or anything. He willjust withdraw sometimes and I just remove myself from him. I was grateful that after he slept on it and then re-examined it the next morning, he got it.

  3. hiddinsight says:

    I don’t think what you are asking is unfair. Recovery is just hard no matter what.

  4. blogventer says:

    I’m more concerned about the Nikki-Pinterest thing. I think it’s obvious what she meant by it (she’s still in love with your husband), but was she trying to torture you, or was she sending your husband a message? It it’s the former, did she somehow know that you would see it on her site, and she just wanted to be mean to you? But if it was the latter, why did she think he would see it on Pinterest? Is she still communicating with him in some other way, or does he follow her Pinterest-stuff? Did she want him to buy her that stuff? (Maybe she likes nautical stuff now that you guys live at the beach?) I mean, if she’s going to do something that obvious, it’s for a reason.

    Sorry if I’m making more out of this than it might be. It just struck me as a huge red flag. And I’ve become hyperalert to red flags these days! Hugs, kayboo! 🙂

    • kayboo24 says:

      It is a red flag and JR and I have discussed it and it bothers him too. I do not worry about him having any contact with her at all. He is not computer savvy in the slightest. The man doesn’t even know how to get on Pinterest, he doesn’t have a Facebook…he shares mine, and I have all of the passwords stored for him. He wouldn’t know how to create an email account…I have done that for him always and I know all of the pass words. I have total access to his phone and his phone account. I have also blocked her number from his phone, she can not dial him or text him…he doesn’t even know that I have done that, and he has a new phone number since the affair. The only way she can reach him would be by dialing our office number and she would have no way of knowing if he or I would answer that line. We had months of hang up calls post affair at work, we know it was her. She has also moved several states away, I have confirmed that through mutual people we know. She actually lied when she moved saying she was in DC and later I found out she was actually in Florida, never knew why she lied about that….maybe because she is psycho. That is what concerns me, he has told me that she isn’t all there. She would freak out on him all the time.
      I also will randomly ride with him during work hours and he is always happy for me to go. He never sneaks off to use the phone, etc. when I announce this, in fact he will get out of the truck go inside places and leave the phone with me. When he was having his affair and I offered to spend the day with him he would get nervous and talk me out of it, o sneak off with his phone if I insisted on going. So I have zero suspicions about him communicating with him.
      What we do worry about is her trying to cause problems for us still. At the end of the affair she started talking about joining the Coast Guard where we live, he told her that she could not do that. JR has always said that she went away much quieter than he expected and he has always worried about her causing trouble. I have also learned that she is working at Victoria Secrets now, we worry that she is trying to get a job that she can transfer here with. I really hope that isn’t her plan. I don’t like stalking her, she has no clue that I keep tabs on her, you can’t see who “views” you on Pinterest if they don’t repin or comment. I believe she is just cuckoo and still carries a torch for JR. I believe in the whole “keeping your enemies closer thing”, I want to know where she is, at least for now. I mean she told me herself that she was in love with him and he dropped her instantly when I found out. He spoke to her one other time 2 months later to apologize for everything, he was looking for closure and had discussed it with his therapist prior to calling her. He needed to say his peace. The mistake he made there was by not telling me, and that gave her the power to tell me herself, which she did. I do not have any worries that he has spoken to her since that February. I also don’t believe he said anything inappropriate to her then, she knew exactly what time he was calling because he left her a message telling her when he would call. I honestly believe she recorded that call hoping to have something to use to hurt me and there wasn’t anything. I caught her in many, many lies, turns out she was a bigger liar than he was. She kept the message from him and played it for me 3 weeks later.
      I do find her pins on Pinterest slightly unnerving but I can’t begin to understand how her twisted, physcho mind works. I do not believe however that it was coincidence.

      • kayboo24 says:

        I failed to mention that we often forward our office phone to his cell phone, so she may in fact been trying to hang up on me…who knows. She has my cell # I never changed it, shortly after the affair came out, I was getting tons of hang up calls from a number I didn’t recognize (I had her cell #). Once I called the number back and a woman answered and I told her that I was getting hang up calls from her #, she said I am so sorry I have contacted my phone carrier because someone has been using my # to make calls, one of those prank dial things or apps where you block the actual # and put in some poor random person’s #. I guess Nikki was using er #, she may have been calling someone else too. She ended up seperated that February and was dating some other guy shortly there after. JR has since told me he thinks there were other guys from the club that she messed with. She told him once that she paid off her car, he asked here she got the money and she said one of the customers gave her the money. JR and I both agree no man gives up thousands of dollars unless they are getting something in return. He says he caught her one time on her phone and when she saw him she freaked and started deleting things from it. He was always picking fights with her he says. I think she gave BJ’s and such to old men for money, I mean she was a bartender in a strip club after all.

  5. TLM says:

    Be careful, Kayboo24. I know some OWs slink quietly back under the mold-covered rock they crawled out from under once Fantasyland blows up in their faces, but there are many who do not. They make it their personal mission in life to ruin yours. If you think she’s trying to torment you, I hate to say it, but you’re probably right. So keep an eye out. You never know what a psychopath is capable of.

    And no, you’re not asking for too much. Keep working on it together. You will get there.

  6. DJ says:

    My dear Kayboo – I never cease to be amazed at how similar we are. As everyone seems to agree, you are not asking too much. It seems that your husband, like mine, thinks that moving forward means going back to the way things were before. So making plans for going to HT on a Tuesday is ok, or so he thought, because things are getting better – and that means going back to the way things were before when you had no triggers and no problems with him traveling anywhere. Being told that it still hurts you is reminding him that he failed and he is still failing because he hasn’t been able to make you heal faster. It’s hard on him.

    But really – that’s just too damned bad. It’s hard on him, but that will never compare to the pain he caused you. He needs to deal with that and learn to think in the “new normal” where he must be cognisant of your needs and not just his own. It will never be the way it was before, and that’s his fault, not yours.

    All that said, we need to try to stop looking for affair details. That will keep the wound open and festering. I know it’s hard. I understand this clinically and still find it difficult to put into practice sometimes, but I do see the benefit. Somehow we will get to that point.

    Hope you are feeling better. -DJ

    • kayboo24 says:

      It is so true, looking for more details is a bad thing. After all was said and done I stepped back and asked myself… was any of that helpful to my recovery? No, it certainly was not, not one bit. It’s true that the better he sees me doing, the less he does. He does recognize this and is working to correct it. He would love to go back to normal, he says it from time to time. I keep reminding him that the normal he knew will never exist again. My husband hates change, always has, so this makes the situation even harder for him to deal with. Sometimes my patience just runs very thin. I want to be ok and yet have him be aware that I am still in pain. Does that make sense? I don’t want him to have to see me hurting to know that I do in fact hurt. I don’t know if I will ever heal completely, I’m not sure that’s possible even.

  7. Moddie says:

    I really like that term “the new normal”. They need to realize and internalize that some things are forever changed, you can’t go back to the old normal. And that could be a very good thing. You get the chance to create something better. However, it is hard.
    And it feels to me that the pain will always be there, but now, 6 mos after D-day, it’s bearable and not as sharp or overwhelming anymore. I expect it will continue to lessen in time. And even if it heals–whatever the hell that means–there will still be a scar. You can never forget . What helps is knowing that they are aware of it, even when it goes unspoken. And how they respond to knowing this. As DJ said they need to be cognizant of your needs, tuned into you, the opposite of who they were during the affair when they were tuned in only to themselves. That will certainly help recovery. It has certainly helped mine…

    • kayboo24 says:

      It does get easier, but it can still bite just as bad as it did the first time you knew it was true. As long as I don’t dwell on it I seem to do pretty good. There are times that it gets the best of me though, and those times I can still get that sick, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach like the floor has fallen from beneath my feet. If I let it, those moments can suck me in and ruin me for days. As long as I stay focused, and JR does the work he needs to do, I manage fine. It’s such a hard journey, the hardest I’ve ever been on…I hope I reach the end one day soon.

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