What a night…and morning. It all started with a good friend of mine calling on Saturday night to say she was moving her son into his dorm for school on Sunday in the town next to ours. Her husband had been scheduled for jury duty on Monday and wasn’t able to come with them. She asked if I would like to come and hang out then stay the night with her, she had planned on getting a hotel room. She is a very good friend to me and lives in hometown(HT), I was with her on Dday shortly after JR told me. She was the first person I saw and told after I had found out. She and her husband were both very helpful to JR and I during some of our darkest days post Dday. I instantly said yes, I was excited to see her and haven’t had any good girl talk in a very long time. It was also a nice distraction since we had dropped my oldest daughter off at the airport Sunday morning for her to head back to Florida for her job. JR and I were going to another friend’s house to help them move some furniture and then going to have lunch with them before I was to meet up with Tammy.
As we were riding in the car all of a sudden a sickening feeling came over me…what if she booked a room at the same hotel that JR had taken Nikki to on their first out of town trip? I almost thought I was going to actually get sick, I gasped out loud and grabbed my stomach. JR noticed and asked what was wrong? I told him what I was thinking and he told me to text her and ask, so I did. She hadn’t booked a room yet so I requested anywhere but the hotel that they had actually stayed at, she completely understood. She had even driven me once to get receipts from hotels in HT because I didn’t trust myself to drive that night. There isn’t much that she doesn’t know about mine and JR’s situation.
So we met up with each other and JR kissed me good bye, and told me he would miss me. I told him I would text him later when we figured out what we were going to do. We ended up taking her son to Wal-Mart to grab a few things he needed, then dropped him off at his dorm, then finished up some other shopping. When the shopping was done we headed to the hotel to get checked in and check on some movie times. We ended up staying at the Hampton Inn, also a hotel chain that JR and Nikki had stayed in, but not the actual one they were at, so I was ok, or at least I thought I was.
We decided to go see This Is 40, seeing as how I will turn 40 on the 17th of this month. It was a really cute movie and we both enjoyed it. We left and grabbed a few things from the store…wine and snacks, then headed back to the room, I had text JR and told him I would call him when we arrived back at the room. Tammy had to be at a parent orientation early the next morning so we couldn’t have a late night. Back at the room we got settled and I tried to call JR…no answer. So I sent him a text, still no answer. Over an hour later he finally calls me and asks have I gotten any of the texts he had sent me…I had not. Now I know he was home with our son, but I can’t lie and say that it doesn’t trigger me when he doesn’t answer his phone or reply to a text quickly. These were both things he would do when he was with Nikki, he ignored me all the time.
Tammy always asks how things are between us and if I have heard anything from Nikki, she knows that she harassed us for a while after the affair ended. So I decided to share something with her that has bothered me since I found it. The first thing you need to know is that Nikki is not a beach person, she doesn’t like the water at all. JR has told me this more than once. The second thing is that JR started getting some odd phone calls about a month ago and he told me this immediately. A strange number was calling him, not enough digits to call it back, and the person on the other end would hang up. He answered it on speaker phone once so I could listen, very strange. So I told Tammy these 2 things then pulled up Nikki’s Pinterest Page. 5 weeks ago Nikki pinned a nautical charm bracelet with 4 charms, one of them was a heart with a J, an anchor, a sailboat, and a starfish. The other thing was an outfit that was titled with JR’s real name. After JR told me about the phone calls and I saw this I showed him. I asked was the bracelet anything like something she would wear, he said no, and again said she doesn’t even like the beach. I showed him the outfit and he said yes, that she had worn clothing similar to that when she was with him. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to get into that stuff that night with Tammy, but I wanted her opinion on it. JR and I both thought it was very strange, Tammy agreed. I now believe that maybe Nikki was triggered about something and she was calling JR. Either way, I find it a little twisted that she would pin a bracelet with a J on a heart and an outfit with his name for the title. Anyone who does pinterest knows you can change the comments if you want to. Surely she didn’t pin those things by accident, it just makes me sick.
So by this time it has gotten late and Tammy has gone to sleep and this leaves me alone with my thoughts. Then it hits me, I am in a hotel without my husband. A Hampton Inn at that. It wasn’t the first time I had been in a hotel since the affair, but it was the first time I had been in one alone, without JR. It was the first time I had time to lay in a hotel bed and think…about them together in a bed like the one I was laying in. It was awful, such a terrible trigger. I barely slept and when I did I had horrible nightmares of searching for JR at hotels. I knew he was with Nikki and I kept looking for them, until I found them in the hotel, in bed together.
The next morning Tammy said I was talking in my sleep and I never do that. When I awoke I text JR to say good morning. He called me and we spoke briefly. Tammy was getting ready to leave and my plan was to get up and shower and head home. For whatever reason as soon as she left I fell to pieces and started texting JR. I wanted answers, all of these awful things popped in my head things I hadn’t asked him before. I wanted to know did he request king size beds when he got their rooms, did he fuck her multiple times when they were together, did he cum both times if he did. I knew he fucked her twice the first day they were together, once that morning when they checked in and later that afternoon when they got back from the beach, that’s all I knew. I had figured it out because of his phone calls, and I asked him once early on and his reply was just yes. We were at a restaurant when I asked and I immediately got up and left after he answered.
So now I wanted details, and as usual all I got were vague answers. The “I don’t remembers”…I went postal. First it was a text, no…no, king beds, always doubles. Then me saying so you never got a room with a king bed. Then no response. Then…does it matter? Then me…did you often fuck her more than once in a day, I know you would stay in the rooms for 4 and 5 hours. Again no answer. Then a text, do we have to do this? Him…yes we would, I have told you that before. Me…no you haven’t, I knew about the first time, so did you fuck her twice often? Him…No. Then a long pause. Me…why are you taking so long to respond. Him…driving. Me…then fucking pull over and finish this conversation with me. Him… Can’t have employee with me. Me…so yes you did or no you didn’t, you have given me both answers. Me…Answer these when you stop driving 1.you fucked her twice at least half the times you met 2. Would you cum both times usually 3. Did she ever get king size beds? Sorry if answering questions about your affair makes you uncomfortable. Him…we had a king size bed once. Once or twice we had sex more than once in the same visit. I never, never, came twice. Never. Me…you always do this when I ask specifics, you dance around the answers, I fucking hate that you do that to me. Just answer the fucking questions honestly the first time I ask them. Him…I’m sorry, I’m going to be completely honest.
Then there were a few more things I said. He asked where I was, I told him I was still in the hotel. Then he calls me. We spend an hour on the phone going back and forth about some stuff. I still don’t think I got those questions answered. I ended up throwing out some other stuff and then I brought up the fact that he planned to go to HT on Tuesday.
JR and Nikki met most of the time on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s…yes there were maybe one or 2 other random days in there, but normally it was Tuesday or Thursday. JR used to have to travel to HT often for work before we closed down our office there this past July. I always hated if he would go on either of those days. More than once, actually many times I have explained this to him and how stressful it is to me, I fucking hate it, even when I knew that Nikki had moved from HT…it didn’t matter, it’s a huge trigger. I asked him to please not plan to travel to HT on either of these days anymore. He agreed.
He has a Bball game in a town tomorrow night that is halfway between where we live now and HT. So about 10 days ago he announces that he is going to go to HT on Tuesday to see his Mom because it will be easy for him since he had the game halfway between. I really hadn’t said a lot about it until a few days ago. Our son also has a game that night near where JR’s game is. My car is in the shop and I have been driving JR’s truck. So I asked him how was I going to get to our son’s game, he says for me to drive our daughter’s car…which has been acting up and he knows this. So a few days ago I suggested he just go on Wednesday. He says no it’s easier for him to go Tuesday. He says he will even drive the work truck and I can drive his truck. Ok so whatever. Then after the day I had today, instead of looking at him and saying…You CAN NOT go to HT tomorrow I say, I can’t handle you being in HT tomorrow, so I will go with you. Now I really don’t want to go to HT, but I don’t want to be difficult. Well, as the night wears on so does my patience. We get in the hot tub and I am struggling, he sees this and asks me why. I told him I just can’t go to HT after the day I have had. I say I will stay home and just sleep through the day, he says well you have to go to my son’s game. I say I know, I am going…of course I am. So now I am upset and he is irritated and then announces, fine I wont go, I will go another day. So now I feel like shit. Then we end up downstairs arguing about it again. I say why did you pick Tuesday in the first place? He says I just thought you would go with me. I said, did I ever tell you I was going with you? He says no, but I thought you were until a few days ago when you started asking about what to drive to my son’s game. I say, well did you ask me then if I was going with you? He says, no. You are right, I just figured since you were doing better it wasn’t a big deal anymore…blah, blah, blah. I said no, you chose that day because your own words, when I suggested Wednesday were, no that Tuesday was easier for YOU!!!
When I got home today, he came home to see me because he knew how awful my morning was. He ended up leading me downstairs to our bed and we made love. Then he had to go back to work for a little bit. What makes this so hard for me is that I don’t know if he is just handling me or he is just really that fucking clueless. Tonight when we were arguing I looked at him and said you handle me the same way you did Nikki. He has told me that when he would try and back away from her, and she would start to go postal and threaten to tell me about them, that he would cave and give her what she wanted, which was him in the bedroom. He knows that I feel very comforted by him in bed and I feel like he uses that to calm me down sometimes. When I threw that at him, he says no, you had a really bad morning, I had a bad morning and I missed you last night and I wanted to make love to my wife. The thing is he does this to me all the time and it’s making me NUTS!
The HT thing should just never some up. I have made it VERY clear about those 2 days and he chooses to ignore this. I understand if it is unavoidable and out of his control…but I refuse to understand if he is the one picking the day. Is this unfair of me?
So once again he went to bed alone and I am here on this computer with my mind racing. Who knows when I will calm enough for sleep. I am so tired of this repetitive cycle. I just want him to learn how to place me above himself sometimes, especially when it is because of something linked to his betrayal. Is that really so much to ask?