Monday I will be leaving to go visit my mother on my annual winter trip. This started out in January of 2011, just a few days shy of the one month anniversary of Dday. Somehow that year we managed to get through our daughter’s college graduation just 10 days after Dday and 4 days after he talked to Nikki on the phone and lied about it. We then survived Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I had been in my investigator mode and the hysterical bonding was in full swing. By the time January 2 rolled around I was a complete wreck. We ended up having a huge fight and I started packing a suitcase and said I was leaving. I ended up loading my car and heading out for a 12 hour drive at 2pm. I remember asking JR for a kiss goodbye which he refused to give me, something he regretted later as I got a text asking me to please be careful and not to do anything destructive to our marriage. He was worried about me having a revenge affair. I usually stay for 2 ½ weeks for my visit. We fought almost every other day that year. He was so nasty to me, he was angry that I had abandoned him. Our son was a fruitcake at the time and he was giving JR hell. I remember one night he called me from the house phone and JR was on the other line on his cell phone. They were fighting and my son was hiding in his closet. It was nuts. That year we almost didn’t make my birthday trip because JR was so ugly telling me he bet I would come home to use him for a trip to the mountains. I was so pissed. I did make it home that year. I remember when I walked in the door he grabbed me and started crying telling me how glad he was that I was home. He had roses waiting and that started a tradition also, every year I get roses for my birthday which we pack up and tote to the mountains with us. Seems corny but it’s become special to us both.
January 2012 the mood of my annual trip was quite different. This year I went after my birthday weekend in the mountains. I remember how I felt when I left. I wasn’t sure if I would come home. JR and I were struggling very bad at that time. Everything was bad, the sex, the talks, the fights, his depression, my depression. All I could think was, I have to get the fuck out of here before I lose my mind. I wanted to be anywhere but here, with him. The morning I left he hugged me and began to cry. He looked at me and squeezed me so hard. “Promise me you will come home.” he says. I responded, “Of course I will come home.” “No, promise me you will come home to me.” he begged. He knew I was in a fragile state. He was petrified that I would return and request a divorce. That year we talked a lot. We argued a lot too. I remember that I didn’t miss him. I didn’t want to come home. Finally it was time to come home. I was so nervous. I thought it was strange to feel nervous, but I was. JR was at practice when I made it into town that night and I went to the school. When he saw me on the other side of the gym he ran to me, grabbing me up into his arms and kissing me on the lips. I was embarrassed because his players were there, some of them laughed, he just looked at them and said, “What…I missed my wife.” The parents had made tacos for the team that night and when we sat down to eat JR pulls me as close to him as he possibly could. He just couldn’t keep his hands off of me. That night when we got home, he sat down and pulled me down next to him and with tears in his eyes said, “I’m so sorry I hurt you, I will never hurt you again, I promise.”
That’s the year I decided to start keeping a journal. I bought a notebook while I was at my mother’s and began writing in it. I spent the next 9 months or so writing my thoughts and frustrations down. It’s not a pleasant read in any way shape or form. I have decided that at the end of this post I will share my first entry. Then one by one, I will shred them into tiny pieces. I may share other entries that I think can be helpful to others, but I want them all gone. It’s funny because I always thought that one day, years from now I would write a book about my journey through all of this. I had planned on keeping everything to use as references. I still have some of the FB messages between Nikki and I that I had printed out. I think it’s time to let go of them as well. I have realized that in order to truly move to the future you MUST let go of the past. I have asked JR for two years to let the past go. How could I ask him to do that when I hadn’t fully done that. I want it all gone, every single shred, every little reminder…all of it.
This year things are very different. I am excited to visit my parents and family, but I am sad about leaving JR. We have made so much progress in the past month and I don’t want anything to slow that down. I do feel that the time away from one another will be good for us. We need this time to relax and digest all that has taken place. He is already telling me how much he is going to miss me. He says he’s getting sad. He has been referring to me as his best friend again, something he didn’t do during his affair. He says it feels so different this year and it really does. I will miss him terribly, and count down the days until I return. Sometimes it can seem like no progress is being made. Sometimes it feels like this nightmare will never be over. I have started looking for ways to gauge the progress we have made and I am grateful that I have this yearly trip to reflect on. It is a true testament to the progress that we have made individually and as a couple. Our marriage is truly beginning to heal…finally.
Friday, January 27, 12
I felt sadness and relief when I left home. I was relieved to be leaving that place.
Maybe I would find some peace away from all of the reminders. I felt sad because he held me crying, staring into my eyes. Promise you’ll come back to me, I said yes, knowing that I may not. How do you mend a broken heart? Can the person who broke it still be in it, and it heal? The sadness and the darkness consume me. He talks with me like nothing is wrong. Doesn’t he know how wrong all of this is. Everything is wrong, everything. I pray for an end to this soon, one way or another.
I know he felt love for her, maybe not as strong as he once felt for me, but it was still love. Why wont he admit this to me? I want, no I needed so badly to hear the truth, all of it, every dirty, nasty detail of it. I needed it to find peace, to let go. Why did he refuse to give me this? I want a divorce, and I want to love this man forever. How do I decide? I pray for this to stop haunting me, hurting me. How did this happen? Why wasn’t our love strong enough? He believed in our love so much, he even bragged about it. Why did he abandon it for some hot piece of ass, David fucking whore? The hurt in his eyes when I told him that, you only feel that kind of hurt when you love someone. To this day he still doesn’t believe she fucked David, his ego can’t handle it. But as soon as he came home to me, who did she run to? He begged her not to go-I love you Nikki, please don’t do this, you’re better than the rest of them. He never begged me not to leave or not to make him leave. He always just left or watched me leave. We both are tired, we need this over. Can I live without him, he already proved he can live without me.
I can’t believe that’s how I felt just a year ago. I can honestly say now that I feel none of those things anymore. I do not believe he loved her at all, in fact I know he didn’t. He did believe she fucked David and many other guys actually, some even for money. He actually has begged me not to leave, many times. Wow, I just had a revelation of sorts. I just thought to myself how clouded I was during that time writing those words, and then I realized that must be exactly how he felt during his affair. You create your own reality. None of what I wrote about their affair was actually true, it’ just what I had convinced myself was true. I guess it’s the same way he convinced himself that he wasn’t hurting me during his affair, that he could get away with it all. I am so grateful that the clouds have lifted for both of us.