As I sit here alone, late at night, my mind is arguing with its self. My mind is running through all of the questions I had and the answers I was given. They will never be good enough. Stop asking questions. It’s not like by asking the same question 500 different ways, will produce a different answer. This will never make sense in my mind and especially my heart. I have all of the answers, if there were any others out there she would have told me. She liked hurting me with the one last piece of information that he knew he couldn’t share with me, the one he thought would be the final straw…that phone call in February. She was a vindictive bitch and she wanted him badly…until she realized he never wanted her, not really, then she just wanted to cause me pain, which she did. Does it make me a bad person that I would feel nothing if one day I read the paper and learned of her early demise? I would enjoy this world better if I knew she wasn’t in it. If only she could cease to exist. Poof…there never was a Nikki.
A thought that popped in my head as I sat here that I want to ask him, but that he will have no answer for. Why am I supposed to believe that the life we share now means so much more than the life we shared then? Why am I supposed to believe and have faith that this time it will be forever. Forever is a myth…nothing is forever. When you think about it that word really has no meaning. Let’s look at the meaning. This is from the World English Dictionary…
(fɔː’rɛvə, fə-) — adv 1. Also: for ever without end; everlastingly; eternally 2. at all times; incessantly 3. informal for a very long time: he went on speaking forever — n 4. informal ( as object ) a very long time: it took him forever to reply 5. …forever! an exclamation expressing support or loyalty: Scotland forever!
Now let’s look at the Urban Dictionary meanings…
forever is until you find something better.
honey, I will love you forever. (six months later) honey, I’m leaving you for a 20 year old who has her clit pierced.
a fuckin’ long time.
When I say forever, forever is what I mean. A long fuckin’ time.
for girls: until death
for boys: until they get what they want or something better comes along
correct: (see for girls)
Girl: I will love you forever, until death do us part
Boy: I will love you forever, until I find someone else
is something that dose not exist
“I will love you forever”
days later it’s over
Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. A very long time indeed. It will never, ever end. Think about it! It will just keep going on and on and will never stop. No breaks, no turns, no slowing down. You just keep going, man. It doesn’t matter if you’re sick or what, you’re going full speed down that highway FOREVER. So remember to stock up on plenty of CD’s and Snickers candy bars, because you’re in for one heck of a ride. =3
THINK, before you promise someone a ‘forever’… seriously.
I think that last one sums it up for me…these feelings will last forever, same as I am certain that the love I have for JR will last forever.
I was doing so well…mostly. There was a setback when I left for my trip, but I managed to get through it, at least I thought I did. The night before I left JR and I had some issues. It was Sunday, the day before I leave. I was feeling extremely needy and sad. The trip itself triggered all of these bad feelings in me. The past 2 years that I made this trip I was escaping my life with JR. This year was different, we were doing good, but it still brought up a lot of emotion.
We had spent a good part of the day lounging around in bed watching TV. At some point in the afternoon while laying on JR’s chest I rubbed him suggestively, I needed sex, a lot of sex. I was going to be gone for 17 days. Instead of offering to do me, he pulls down his pants and requests a blowjob. He rarely requests one, so I was happy to oblige, besides I knew the favor would be returned later. That night we got into the hot tub after getting home from dinner and I was done packing. For whatever reason the conversation turned to the affair. Since that night we have realized that this has become a pattern and we need to change that. Anyway, I ended up crying and this time there was no comforting me. Normally he will hold my hand, wipe my tears, kiss me gently, something. We got out and headed downstairs. We climbed into bed and we start watching TV, about 30 minutes go by and I notice JR is nodding off. I was so angry…he knew what I needed and wanted, I had told him more than once. We had even discussed a fellow bloggers struggle with needing just one more assurance one night from her husband which she did not receive and how it should have been given to her. At this point we begin to argue and he has the nerve to look at me and say that I had said that I didn’t want sex that night, just the next morning before I left. I then yelled at him, telling him that was bullshit…I NEVER said that. I told him I had wanted both, and he knew this. He actually tried to convince me that I had said this to him in the hot tub. He says, you wanted to have sex in the morning before you left. Then I explained what gas lighting was and went upstairs to watch TV. It needs to be mentioned that during dinner he says that he has to make a few work stops after dropping our son off at school, and before taking me to the airport. When he says this I show disappointment and make a comment to the effect of, well that wont allow anytime for fun in the morning. I was counting on that night.
The next morning while laying in bed I notice he has woken up. I have slept on my side of the bed as far away from him as possible. I feel him move closer to me and put his arm around me. How dare he. I grabbed it and pushed him away saying NO!!! He says, please. Again I say, NO!!!. He gets up takes our son to school and makes his way back to the house. I stay very distant to him all morning…no contact. Later in the car on the way he asks if I want to talk about it, to which I reply, why…will it make any difference. We make a few stops that I needed to make and then head to the airport. In the parking lot we have a discussion. He tells me how sorry he is, that sometimes he can’t help how he feels when we talk about the affair…that he doesn’t feel sexual. He tells me that he should have handled things differently and changed the conversation, etc. I just explain to him that I can’t believe that he did this now, that I am having to leave under these circumstances. I tell him I am angry and hurt. I tell him that now is not the time to try and “fix this”, that time has passed…the time to fix this was last night. We head into the airport and as he tells me goodbye he begins to cry. I hug him and say, just kiss me and tell me goodbye.
We part ways and he watches me make my way through security before leaving. Later I text him and say, I can’t believe that I am leaving this way, you should have made love to me last night. His reply…I know, I am so sorry. I will regret that for the next 17 days. I sat in my truck and cried after I left you.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that. He did sneak a note into my suitcase telling me he loved me which I found later that night while unpacking. All I could think was…How can this man be so incredibly sweet and such an ass all at the same time. This is what scares me the most, because JR was so good to me during his affair. I never felt unloved or unwanted, though I did feel a disconnection. It’s so strange. I tell myself I will see the signs if this ever visits our marriage again…but will I?
It’s only been 4 days and he texts me all day telling me how much he misses me…I tell him GOOD…serves him right. He wants me home now and says he is getting by one day at a time. All I can say is that with the way he sent me off I just feel….numb…again. I hate feeling this way. Numb…until tonight. Tonight I feel sad. Those damn triggers. Flipping through the guide on the TV…a movie title…Any Given Sunday. Instantly Nikki pops in my mind. I actually thought to myself why did this movie make you think of her…it has nothing to do with her. Ahhh, but it does. Jamie Foxx stars in this movie and her music that you hear while waiting for her to answer is a song by Jamie Foxx, a song she dedicated to my husband. Triggers fucking suck…blindsided yet again.
Some days I feel like I don’t know how to be this person, this person that I am. This person who still has so many questions without answers. This person that lives in fear everyday. This person who wants to trust love again so badly. This person who hasn’t known real peace in two and a half years. This person who waivers between strength and weakness. This person who loves a man who betrayed her in the worst way possible. This person whose main emotion has become numbness. This person who has lost all confidence in herself. This person who I always promised myself I would never be.
I realize that I am a prisoner of the love that I feel for this man. It keeps me bound to him, forever. If I left him it would not have mattered, I love him, he is a part of my soul, forever…and forever is a fucking long time.