Just Kiss Me And Tell Me Goodbye

As I sit here alone, late at night, my mind is arguing with its self. My mind is running through all of the questions I had and the answers I was given. They will never be good enough. Stop asking questions. It’s not like by asking the same question 500 different ways, will produce a different answer. This will never make sense in my mind and especially my heart. I have all of the answers, if there were any others out there she would have told me. She liked hurting me with the one last piece of information that he knew he couldn’t share with me, the one he thought would be the final straw…that phone call in February. She was a vindictive bitch and she wanted him badly…until she realized he never wanted her, not really, then she just wanted to cause me pain, which she did. Does it make me a bad person that I would feel nothing if one day I read the paper and learned of her early demise? I would enjoy this world better if I knew she wasn’t in it. If only she could cease to exist. Poof…there never was a Nikki.

A thought that popped in my head as I sat here that I want to ask him, but that he will have no answer for. Why am I supposed to believe that the life we share now means so much more than the life we shared then? Why am I supposed to believe and have faith that this time it will be forever. Forever is a myth…nothing is forever. When you think about it that word really has no meaning. Let’s look at the meaning. This is from the World English Dictionary…

forever

(fɔː’rɛvə, fə-) adv 1. Also: for ever without end; everlastingly; eternally 2. at all times; incessantly 3. informal for a very long time: he went on speaking forever n 4. informal ( as object ) a very long time: it took him forever to reply 5. …forever! an exclamation expressing support or loyalty: Scotland forever!

 

Now let’s look at the Urban Dictionary meanings…

1. forever 430 up, 142 down

forever is until you find something better.

honey, I will love you forever. (six months later) honey, I’m leaving you for a 20 year old who has her clit pierced.

 

2. forever 268 up, 56 down

a fuckin’ long time.

When I say forever, forever is what I mean. A long fuckin’ time.

 

4. forever 197 up, 81 down

for girls: until death
for boys: until they get what they want or something better comes along

correct: (see for girls)

Girl: I will love you forever, until death do us part

Boy: I will love you forever, until I find someone else

 

5. forever 77 up, 40 down

is something that dose not exist

“I will love you forever”
days later it’s over

 

6. Forever 50 up, 15 down

Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. A very long time indeed. It will never, ever end. Think about it! It will just keep going on and on and will never stop. No breaks, no turns, no slowing down. You just keep going, man. It doesn’t matter if you’re sick or what, you’re going full speed down that highway FOREVER. So remember to stock up on plenty of CD’s and Snickers candy bars, because you’re in for one heck of a ride. =3

THINK, before you promise someone a ‘forever’… seriously.

I think that last one sums it up for me…these feelings will last forever, same as I am certain that the love I have for JR will last forever.

I was doing so well…mostly. There was a setback when I left for my trip, but I managed to get through it, at least I thought I did. The night before I left JR and I had some issues. It was Sunday, the day before I leave. I was feeling extremely needy and sad. The trip itself triggered all of these bad feelings in me. The past 2 years that I made this trip I was escaping my life with JR. This year was different, we were doing good, but it still brought up a lot of emotion.

We had spent a good part of the day lounging around in bed watching TV. At some point in the afternoon while laying on JR’s chest I rubbed him suggestively, I needed sex, a lot of sex. I was going to be gone for 17 days. Instead of offering to do me, he pulls down his pants and requests a blowjob. He rarely requests one, so I was happy to oblige, besides I knew the favor would be returned later. That night we got into the hot tub after getting home from dinner and I was done packing. For whatever reason the conversation turned to the affair. Since that night we have realized that this has become a pattern and we need to change that. Anyway, I ended up crying and this time there was no comforting me. Normally he will hold my hand, wipe my tears, kiss me gently, something. We got out and headed downstairs. We climbed into bed and we start watching TV, about 30 minutes go by and I notice JR is nodding off. I was so angry…he knew what I needed and wanted, I had told him more than once. We had even discussed a fellow bloggers struggle with needing just one more assurance one night from her husband which she did not receive and how it should have been given to her. At this point we begin to argue and he has the nerve to look at me and say that I had said that I didn’t want sex that night, just the next morning before I left. I then yelled at him, telling him that was bullshit…I NEVER said that. I told him I had wanted both, and he knew this. He actually tried to convince me that I had said this to him in the hot tub. He says, you wanted to have sex in the morning before you left.  Then I explained what gas lighting was and went upstairs to watch TV. It needs to be mentioned that during dinner he says that he has to make a few work stops after dropping our son off at school, and before taking me to the airport. When he says this I show disappointment and make a comment to the effect of, well that wont allow anytime for fun in the morning. I was counting on that night.

The next morning while laying in bed I notice he has woken up. I have slept on my side of the bed as far away from him as possible. I feel him move closer to me and put his arm around me. How dare he. I grabbed it and pushed him away saying NO!!! He says, please. Again I say, NO!!!. He gets up takes our son to school and makes his way back to the house. I stay very distant to him all morning…no contact. Later in the car on the way he asks if I want to talk about it, to which I reply, why…will it make any difference. We make a few stops that I needed to make and then head to the airport. In the parking lot we have a discussion. He tells me how sorry he is, that sometimes he can’t help how he feels when we talk about the affair…that he doesn’t feel sexual. He tells me that he should have handled things differently and changed the conversation, etc. I just explain to him that I can’t believe that he did this now, that I am having to leave under these circumstances. I tell him I am angry and hurt. I tell him that now is not the time to try and “fix this”, that time has passed…the time to fix this was last night. We head into the airport and as he tells me goodbye he begins to cry. I hug him and say, just kiss me and tell me goodbye.

We part ways and he watches me make my way through security before leaving. Later I text him and say, I can’t believe that I am leaving this way, you should have made love to me last night. His reply…I know, I am so sorry. I will regret that for the next 17 days. I sat in my truck and cried after I left you.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that. He did sneak a note into my suitcase telling me he loved me which I found later that night while unpacking. All I could think was…How can this man be so incredibly sweet and such an ass all at the same time. This is what scares me the most, because JR was so good to me during his affair. I never felt unloved or unwanted, though I did feel a disconnection. It’s so strange. I tell myself I will see the signs if this ever visits our marriage again…but will I?

It’s only been 4 days and he texts me all day telling me how much he misses me…I tell him GOOD…serves him right. He wants me home now and says he is getting by one day at a time. All I can say is that with the way he sent me off I just feel….numb…again. I hate feeling this way. Numb…until tonight. Tonight I feel sad. Those damn triggers. Flipping through the guide on the TV…a movie title…Any Given Sunday. Instantly Nikki pops in my mind. I actually thought to myself why did this movie make you think of her…it has nothing to do with her. Ahhh, but it does. Jamie Foxx stars in this movie and her music that you hear while waiting for her to answer is a song by Jamie Foxx, a song she dedicated to my husband. Triggers fucking suck…blindsided yet again.

Some days I feel like I don’t know how to be this person, this person that I am. This person who still has so many questions without answers. This person that lives in fear everyday. This person who wants to trust love again so badly. This person who hasn’t known real peace in two and a half years. This person who waivers between strength and weakness. This person who loves a man who betrayed her in the worst way possible. This person whose main emotion has become numbness. This person who has lost all confidence in herself. This person who I always promised myself I would never be.

I realize that I am a prisoner of the love that I feel for this man. It keeps me bound to him, forever. If I left him it would not have mattered, I love him, he is a part of my soul, forever…and forever is a fucking long time.

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15 Responses to Just Kiss Me And Tell Me Goodbye

  1. I think this is one of the hardest things for me, to know that his affair is always going to be there, always between us. Ok so perhaps eventually the triggers will get less and easier to deal with (but they are still there) and perhaps eventually it will start to feel less raw. But it is always going to be there. I am having trouble accepting that. I know exactly what you mean about feeling fear on a daily basis too, and wavering between feeling upbeat and good, and hopeless and like it is all too much.

  2. Still Loving Him says:

    God this post sucks almost as much as my post last night sucked! I mean that in a nice way! There’s a saying in NA, going into my mind alone is like going into a bad neighborhood alone. You should never go into a bad neighborhood alone. I’m sorry your feeling doubts. I too have them everyday. Living in fear is like torture. Triggers everywhere, feeling insecure, wondering if this will happen again. It’s overwhelming and all consuming. This morning in line at Starbucks my husband and I talked about going to the mountains for V-day, he said he would take me purse shopping and then I say what do you want for v-day, he says to fuck your mouth. Cute… Right… No all I could think was, I wonder if that’s what he would say to her. Hidden triggers everywhere.

  3. blogventer says:

    First of all: really good writing! I like the way you brought it around to your opening theme, at the end. Nice! 🙂

    “This is what scares me the most, because JR was so good to me during his affair. I never felt unloved or unwanted, though I did feel a disconnection. It’s so strange. I tell myself I will see the signs if this ever visits our marriage again…but will I?” –> This statement resonated so much for me! After having my own, personal, “emotional letting go” of H (which, when I told him about, he then confessed his childhood abuse in order to emotionally manipulate me into not-leaving), I felt bad for him. I told my best friend, “I’m such a bitch! He’s a good man, but I just don’t feel a connection with him, and I hate that he hid his abuse from me for so long. But he’s a good dad, he keeps a roof over my head, and he doesn’t beat me. He’s a good man. I must be such a bitch for feeling like this!” THEN, months later, I uncovered his well hidden affair. I’ve now come to understand that THIS was a HUGE part of the reason I couldn’t connect with him. He didn’t need me; he had someone else to fill his emotional needs. (Though, now he’s angry with me for ruining his “secret friendship.” And our sexual connection, or lack thereof, probably had to do w/ his childhood abuse.) But I’d had no clue! About any of it. I’d thought it was all-me, depressed for reasons entirely of my own doing. I didn’t know he was lying to my face/cheating on me; I have no reason to think I would know if he lied to me again in the future. As I was telling Still Loving Him in her post today, it takes real faith to continue on in this kind of marriage, post-affair — faith that I don’t have. But I so admire your willingness to take the leap and to make the decision to BELIEVE in your husband. You have great character, Kayboo. Hugs! 🙂

    • kayboo24 says:

      Thanks for all of that. I think the hardest thing for me so far has been trusting myself again, and the constant battle that I have with myself about that. I feel like I never get any peace from it. It’s like an argument daily of either make myself vulnerable to him again, or guard my heart completely to avoid being hurt. It’s almost an impossible decision. I want both of those things equally bad. UGH!

  4. I feel like our ups and downs all mirror one another. And damnit, I feel the same way. I love my husband in the roots of my soul and I cannot disconnect that. I am here fighting because losing his love would be a worse pain than this.

    • kayboo24 says:

      It’s hard to imagine that there is a worse pain than this, isn’t it. However, I do believe that JR is the other half of my soul, and losing that is the worst pain I can imagine.

  5. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    You & JR fighting for your marriage encourages me. My ex & I also married when we were teens, but it was a DISASTER!

  6. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    He was an UNREPENTANT serial cheater who impregnated one of his whores, as I was giving birth to our 2nd child!

  7. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    (I was Wife #1 & he’s w/ Wife #4 now!) I truly believe You & JR are going to make it. Keep your chin up & keep fighting!

    • kayboo24 says:

      Sorry for your situation. This is the hardest thing to deal with. I really hope that we have what it takes for the long haul. This has made me question everything that I ever held dear to me.

  8. Not Over It says:

    Me, too. Even on good days, there is always some point at which I cry over the loss of “forever.” It is meaningless now. We never say it to each other – my husband knows it is a trigger for me. He tells me things like he wants to grow old with me, and that the rest of our lives is not long enough for all he wants to do with me. Sometimes it feels real and it feels right, and at other times I wonder how I can be so stupid to stay with someone who permanently wounded my very soul. It’s better in that I am not walking around in a cloud of pain anymore, but I’m still a long way from healed, if there is really such a thing.

    I hope you can enjoy your trip, Kayboo. He didn’t set out to ruin your last night together. He was reacting to his own triggers. You will get through it because you most certainly have everything you need inside of you to do anything you set your mind to. I see it and I feel it in your words. You are a strong woman. Sending you good wishes and warm thoughts – DJ

  9. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    KB I recommended your post-HysBon comment (“Unexpected trigger” 1/23 Huperecho) to whyhaveanaffair (Key questions 2/18).

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