Why is it so hard for people to believe that a man can miss his wife simply because he loves her and not because of what she does for him?
For the last 9 days every person that JR has encountered that knows I’m away has asked if he misses me. He always quickly replies with, “yes, I miss her and I’m ready for her to come home.” Oh, I bet you do….you miss her cooking, tired of doing your own laundry huh, tired of cleaning the house. On and on they all go about all of the services I provide my husband. To this he replies, “No I’m eating fine, my clothes are washed and my house is clean…I just miss my wife, I miss my best friend. I like her home with me.” What all of these people fail to realize is that all of the things I do for JR he does for me in return. We cook the dinners, we do the laundry, we clean the house. We share these things week after week. This is what makes us a team…a “we”. It just happens to be that when part of the “we” isn’t there you miss it like crazy. It would seem that society has a really screwed up way of viewing what a wife is to a husband. Sounds like most husbands do too, since half of these comments have been made to him by men. No wonder so many marriages fail.
This is the first time since the affair that I believe we have both really truly missed each other. The previous times we were so into trying to reconcile all that had happened that we needed the break from one another, at least I did. It was exhausting. I wake up every morning with a text telling me good morning, he hasn’t missed a day. He went on my face book and posted a status that read, “Urgent!!!! Attention Mississippians…if you see a beautiful brown haired, brown eyed lady, that goes by the name_________. That would be my wife. She is down on vacation…please tell her that her husband misses her terribly, and oh yea, so does the dog, and her son….come home!!!! “ We text all day long and he randomly texts just to say I love you, or thinking about you. The flowers arrived yesterday, and that is always a sure sign that he wants me home badly. He is super excited for Wednesday to get here, and has a special night planned for me when I get home.
This is the man that I have loved for so long… The one I have missed so much. We have finally found our way back to being best friends again. I know things will still come our way and test us. I will have bad days, he will have bad days, but we will get through it. The doubt is fading and being replaced by confidence…finally. I really think it’s going to last this time…the real happiness.
I planned some special things for JR and I on Valentine’s Day this year and while doing so I realized why I have struggled to do anything romantic for him for such a long time. In the first few months after the affair came out I went a little bat shit crazy…ok a lot bat shit crazy. I wanted JR to know what he had in me…the kind of woman I was and what all I was capable of. I wanted to be super wife…super lover, anything and everything to him. This involved lots of special surprise days for him…the kind that involved high heals in bed and masks, oils and lotions. I called him one day to come home for lunch…Asian food, a black see through nightie, chopsticks in my hair, red lips, use your imagination. He loves role playing. There were many days like this…most involved amazing sex. I have realize now how unhealthy that was. The way I was behaving was just wrong on so many levels because the reason I was doing this was wrong. Several times over the past year I have tried to plan romantic evenings for us and can’t seem to go through with it.
We were supposed to go camping for our anniversary this year on an island where we live. It would have been very private and romantic. I had even looked up romantic ideas for camping dates. I had the entire evening planned out in my head, it would have been magical. In the end I backed out last minute. I just couldn’t do it. You see I am very ashamed of the way I behaved in the beginning, throwing myself at my cheating husband, begging for his attention and affection. I was pathetic. I just came to the realization as to why the idea of doing something special for him made me freak out. Without my even knowing it, it was bringing up old feelings about the beginning of all of this and how devastated I was. All I knew was that I just felt icky and stuck whenever I tried to do something nice and intimate. When we discussed this today he felt bad and told me I didn’t have to do anything for him. I explained that I wanted to and this time it was driven by my heart and not fear. In those earlier days I feared that I was losing my husband, I was desperate to keep him, even though I threw him out of the house constantly.
So this time I am forging on, I have some great ideas planned and no matter what I will push through this. I think I need to do this as much for me as I do him.
It’s time to move on and leave some things in the past. This Valentines Day I will celebrate the man that I love by showing him how I love him. I will hand feed him his favorite dessert. I will kiss his entire body slowly and softly, I will rub my hands over him from his head to his toes. I will worship him and his manliness, I will give him all he needs and all he could want. I will be his sex goddess because I love him, with all my heart, body, mind, and soul.