These are some of the feelings I am having tonight. I was doing so well and then infidelity bitched slapped the fuck out of me today. No matter how hard I try, seems she always has the upper hand and she wont let me forget it.
Woke up literally crying this morning from a bad dream I had. I hate when that happens. It doesn’t happen nearly as often as it used to so it really rocks my world when it does. JR had text me earlier when he awoke, as he has every morning that I have been away. I called him almost as suddenly as I opened my eyes. I just needed to hear his voice and then I didn’t want to talk to him. I made up some excuse and we hung up. We text back and forth all day, but no phone conversations. I just couldn’t stomach talking to him. He called me right before he went to bed and I kept it very brief. Then he text me.
Baby, you going to be ok?
Aren’t I always.
You don’t sound ok.
JR…sometimes I just really hurt. I think of everything you did to me and I don’t know how you did it. I will never understand how you do those things to someone you claim to love. Most days I handle it ok, and some days I don’t. Today is a day I don’t….today I walk around with this pain in my stomach, on the verge of tears…today I hurt. Today I have doubts, today I have no confidence, little faith, and less hope, but tomorrow is another day.
I’m trying to make it up to you. I’m trying to be better.
I know you are and I am grateful, but unfortunately that doesn’t erase it…it never gets erased. It happened and it breaks my heart. It changed me forever. It changed us forever.
I’m sorry. I know I screwed up our life, but I’m trying ok. I’m trying to make it right. Going to bed. Have a headache. I love you, goodnight.
So that’s how he left it. So my last response was….You always decide when the conversation’s over…no matter how I feel. When you have had enough you end it…at least with me you do. Goodnight.
I was sad after that conversation, and lonely. I know I’m probably over reacting…in fact I’m sure I am. As I sit here though, the only thing I know is that my husband didn’t cheat because he was an addict in any form. He doesn’t drink or smoke anything, he doesn’t pop pills. He isn’t a sex addict. Nothing. He is your average normal man and he cheated simply because he wanted to, no more… no less. He still hasn’t figured out why he cheated, or so he claims. He has still given me no answer to that question.
I hate what this has done to me. I hate how insecure I feel. If you would have asked me about my husband before this I would have sworn on anything that he would love me forever…that I was his one true love. If you ask me now, the answer is much different. I live with this daily fear of one day at a time. Today he loves me and wants only me, but at some point that changed for him and he wanted someone else. If it happened once it can happen again. It’s absolute agony to live with this fear. It is unbearable at times, but to deny it would be to deny my own heart. I love him. He is my heart. I decided he was my one and only forever and that still holds true. I simply don’t know how to live with this yet.
I’ve never been afraid of anything…except spiders, and I can smash them if I have to, so I struggle with how to live with this fear everyday of my life. If I’m being honest the days I do well are the days that I push this so far out of my mind, it’s almost like it never happened, but it did happen. No matter how well I manage to ignore this, it happened big time. I just don’t know how to deal with this at all.
I ask my self if I have really missed JR these past 2 weeks. I have, I think. I don’t know. I haven’t had any deep pains or yearning sensations and I can remember being separated from him before and feeling those things. I do miss being hugged, touched, kissed, held, but those are all just sensations, right? I certainly miss the sex, but oddly haven’t even had the real urge to masturbate these past 2 weeks. I know we said we wouldn’t and that we would wait until we were together…but shouldn’t I at least want to? Shouldn’t it be hard to resist. I love sex…until recently I wanted sex daily. JR has struggled to keep up with me for the past 4 years, and BAM, all of a sudden nothing. How do you know if you miss someone. I honestly worry that I am incapable of having any true emotions anymore. I was an extremely emotional person before, almost too emotional. I was passionate about everything…life. Now I feel passionate about nothing. It scares me.
Many, many years ago (15) when JR and I struggled in the marriage…when he fucked some whore twice, we separated. I found out about that affair 2 years after it happened. He ended it on his own, it was not emotional for him at all. Just 2 fucks…nothing more. During that time, not knowing of his infidelity, only suspicions, I moved every piece of furniture and all of our belongings 12 hours away, I pulled my children out of school, I left completely…I told him I didn’t love him anymore, I went to a lawyer and made him sign legal separation papers….the whole nine. I was numb to everything. I was on Prozac. I described this to JR as a feeling like none I had ever known. I told him that while on that shit I could have watched my whole house and it’s entire contents burn to the ground and I would not have shed a tear, not one single tear. I was emotionless. That’s how I feel now, not as extreme…but close. I do cry now…all the time, but that’s the only emotion I feel, sadness and fear. Gone are the days of anger, hostility, hyper bonding, denial(I miss that one), and rage. What has replaced them is almost nothing. Are my emotions going to return? I so badly want to feel something other than what I feel. Anything would be nice. I feel like such a shell of a person. On the outside I look healed. To those who see me I am very put together, confident, sure, happy. But on the inside, I cry constantly. I want to crawl in a bed and sleep forever. I want to pull the covers over my head and disappear into some dream where my world is beautiful and untouched by infidelity. I want to sleep and never wake up.
I left my journal on my nightstand when I left. I did this on purpose. Most of it was written when I was hurting or angry. I planned on destroying it after I return home. I invited JR to read it. I never planned on him reading it when I wrote those pages. After I was here I realized that those pages, my words during some of my darkest days could allow JR a glimpse into my world that he would otherwise never see. So, I told him to read it. He said he would, it took him over a week to pick it up. I apologized before he began…I don’t know why I do this. I should not feel the need to apologize for words of pain that were caused by JR’s affair…but I did.
He called me after he read it. “What did you think?” I asked him. “I can tell that you went through a lot of pain. I know that I left you alone for most of your pain. I left you to deal with it on your own. I don’t know why I didn’t help you. You went through a lot.” he answered. That was pretty much it. I really can’t believe that’s all he had to say about it. I don’t know if he just didn’t want to discuss it any further because we are apart, and maybe it’s a conversation that would be better face to face, or that was it. That’s all he has to say about it.
Sometimes I try and convince myself that the words he spoke to her…the I love you’s, that he didn’t mean it, but I know my JR and I know that at the time he said it…he meant it. He wasn’t cruel to her. He wasn’t unkind. He gave himself freely and totally to her when he was with her. She had all of him during those days and he wanted it that way. He felt guilty about the pain he caused her when it was over, He needed and wanted to apologize to her. He was never cruel to her. He worried about her. I believe he loved her. I really do. He will go to his grave denying it because he knows if he ever admitted it to me, it would destroy me once and for all. The odd thing about this for me, is that knowing in my heart that he was good to her is why I love him…because he is good. He is good to me, just as I know he was good to his lover at the time. I would expect nothing less of him. Even though it is completely contradictory to say, JR is a gentleman. I wish I could say he was awful to her…that he used her, but that would be a lie. He even apologized to her for my behavior towards her. He didn’t want to hurt her. He never set out with that intention. I don’t think he wanted to love her and he never planned on her loving him, but when she did, he felt bad for her. He wanted her to leave their relationship and be happy. I believe that a part of him will always be with her. I believe that’s true about anyone that you have a long standing relationship with. You take something from them, and you leave a little something too. I know that whatever he felt for her doesn’t even come close to what he and I share, but dammit, it stills hurts so fucking bad. Can someone be in love with two different people at the same time, but on different levels?
How will I ever make my heart and mind move on from this. I have cried an ocean of tears and tonight I add to that. It’s been a long time since I got bitch slapped by infidelity, but tonight she reminded me that she is here and in charge and has no plans of leaving anytime soon. Whenever I am having a good day, or going through a period of calm, it’s only because she allowed it.