In less than 24 hours I will be back home in JR’s arms. I wish I felt excitement, but in all honesty I feel nothing…no emotion. I just don’t feel anything anymore. I am glad to be going home, I missed home, I missed him. I just wish I didn’t feel so indifferent to everything. If I had another week to stay I don’t think it would bother me.
In the past when I was away from JR I missed him terribly, my body would ache for him. I would count down the days until I was back in his arms. It was agony being separated from him. I knew I would never make it as a military wife. I needed to be with my husband on a regular basis…I could not do the whole separated all the time thing. I needed to be with JR. I suppose I feel that way today too. I do not want to be away from him for long periods of time, but I have been fine being away from him. It makes no sense. This is the longest we have been away from each other since the affair.
I wonder how I have managed to be ok being away this time. I think it could have something to do with the way I left home this time. We did not part on good terms and it caused me to shut down emotionally. Maybe if we had left on good terms the separation from him would have been more difficult. This seems to be the normal for me. I get hurt by JR and I shut down more and more. The problem is that I don’t seem to open up as much each time we go through this. I just shut down to him more and more. I don’t know how we fix this. A person can only deal with so much hurt in their lives before it truly starts to change a person on the inside. I fear this is what is happening to me. I barely resemble the person that I used to be. I miss her, but she trusted that the world was good and kind and that if she gave her heart freely to a man that he would protect it…she was wrong. You can never trust any other person more than yourself. It sets you up for heartache. That’s my reality, daily my heart aches.
As I sit here JR keeps texting me. He on the other hand has been pitiful while I have been away. He is so excited for me to come home and he missed me terribly. He has big plans for my return. I really want to share his feelings, I really do. I have to figure out how to thaw my heart a little. I do not want to be a cold, bitter, unemotional, shell of a person who just goes through the motions of living. I want to live. I want to feel anything besides hurt and fear. I’m going to spend the rest of the day working on that. I need to be excited to go home…I want to be.
It’s now 10pm and I have thought about what keeps me heart so hard. I think it’s a defense mechanism. When you are totally in love with a person, completely comfortable, happy, trusting, faithful, and you have faith in that person and they betray you by sharing feelings with another person that they promised to only share with you, it breaks you into little bitty pieces. It hurts and destroys something in you that can’t be explained. Your world becomes so strange and foreign. You trust nothing and no one…least of all yourself. You begin to shut down emotionally, you know that if you allow yourself to feel too much you are allowing the possibility for immense pain and heartache again. At least it was like this for me. I have decided that I am protecting my heart because JR didn’t. If I absolutely trusted him before, had zero doubts about his loyalty and he betrayed me then how do I convince my brain and my heart that he will not do this to me again. The answer is that right now I can’t. Sometimes I try to talk myself into feeling emotions, maybe sometimes I do for very short bursts…like here it is and there it goes, feelings.
I hope and pray that one day soon I learn to open my heart again and feel the real emotions that I know are there, buried under layers of pain. I want them so badly. I believe I have what I need to allow this to happen. I have a husband who is in love with me and committed to our marriage. He is good and kind and loving. His heart is open to only me. He is by my side and walks with me when I am struggling. He does his best to help me through my rough days and moves quickly through his. He makes me feel special and he backs up his words of affection with actions. He is a changed man because he wanted to change. He is as heartbroken about what he did to us as I am. He is with me because it’s absolutely the only thing he wanted…ever. He is patient with my recovery, he will give me all the time I need. In my mind I do not believe he will ever betray me again, I just have to figure out how to convince my heart.
Even though I may not feel the level of excitement that I think I should feel about going home, as the day has worn on I definitely feel something. I miss JR, I miss the touch of him, the scent of him, his laugh, his smile. I miss feeling him against me and his breath on my back as I sleep. I miss him pulling me close to him in the middle of the night while he sleeps. I miss him waking me up with kisses. I miss making love with him, our bodies hot and sweaty and hearts beating rapidly. I miss my toes curling as I orgasm and him telling me that he loves watching me as I climax. I love how I can tell that he is about to burst right before it happens as his penis swells inside me and his breath quickens in unison with his thrusts. I miss the sweet kisses that he covers me with as we lay there together, glowing and fulfilled. I want that man like I have never wanted any other and 17 days with out him is far, far too long.