So much to write about and so little time to write. I’m going to try to start where I left off…my homecoming.
I arrived at the airport an hour later than expected…JR was waiting for me, flowers in hand. I was so happy to see him. At that moment I realized just how much I truly had missed him. I wanted him instantly. We managed to stop for lunch at one of our favorite places, but decided to skip the errands I needed to run to prepare for Valentine’s Day. We had a 45 minute drive home and wanted to have a few hours alone before our daughter got home from work. We had to be at the school at 4:45 for an early practice and then dinner with the team.
As soon as we walked through the door we fell into our bed. The sex was wonderful as it usually is. I have realized that we kiss more now than we ever have before. We touch each other everywhere. We stare into each others eyes. Afterwards we drift off to sleep wrapped in each others arms. We woke to our daughter getting home and got up, got dressed and headed to the school. ( I have to say that it has now been a week since I got home and everyone I have seen has told me how much JR missed me while I was away) After practice we get home and spend some time with the kids and then excuse ourselves to go downstairs. We must have each other again. Wonderful…again, and then we sleep, like I hadn’t slept in over 2 weeks, wrapped in each other all night.
The next morning JR let me sleep in while he worked in his office for a little bit. He woke me with kisses and we headed out to do the running that we had put off the day before. I have a tradition of making really cute, special desserts for us on Valentine’s Day. My son absolutely loves this, though this year he didn’t want to act too excited…he is almost 14, lol, We decided to cook dinner at home and ate early before JR had to leave for practice. While gone to practice I made dessert and had it all ready for when they returned home. While he was gone I got my daughter to help me with my “surprise” for JR. We built a tent in my room and I put a mattress along with glow sticks and toys that I planned on using for fun later. I had very high hopes for the evening. Things would not go as I had hoped.
I have struggled since JR’s affair to do anything romantic or special for him. With the exception of the 3 months immediately after his affair, I was a total fruitcake during that time. Throwing myself at my husband. Giving him hour long back massages by candle light. Washing him from head to toe in a Jacuzzi bath. Sucking every part of his body for hours. Preparing special dinners for us. Inviting him home for lunch and erotic sex. It all makes me sick now when I think about it. That all ended about as quickly as it began. Now it’s been 2 years since I have done anything out of the norm for JR. I was really excited about the tent. My original plan included us taking our dessert downstairs and feeding each other to start things off. After he got home from practice I decided to eat dessert with the kids instead of alone. Then I started watching JR…like a hawk. He yawned…I felt myself tense up. Great he’s tired, this will not turn out well. Then a few minutes later I noticed he grabbed his back when he got out of our chair. Oh wonderful, now his back is bothering him…this isn’t going to go the way I planned it. At this point I’m a complete wreck. 30 minutes go by and JR asks me if I want to go downstairs now…it doesn’t matter, I say. I have decided that maybe we should wait until a better day for my night of fun.
Finally he persuades me to go downstairs and we make our way into the tent. I am extremely stressed at this point and I almost immediately break down. He is stunned, he probably thought I was nuts. Now I am sobbing. I explain to him that he has no idea how hard this is for me, even I can’t believe how hard it is. I wanted to do this, I needed to do this. He holds me and tells me it’s ok if I can’t go through with it, that we can wait. I cry even harder now. No, I explain I NEED to do this. I need to get past it. It’s just one more thing that makes me feel stuck. It’s one more thing that his affair stole from me and I want it back. He was wonderful through out the entire ordeal. He tells me to calm down, we will take our time. Now I try to talk myself out of it by saying it’s too late and he has to work the next morning. He said it didn’t matter, ignore the clock. I’m still crying uncontrollably at this point but decide to try and push through it. I ask him to get me a glass of wine, I needed to calm down. We decided to hop in the shower and start things there…slowly. We ended up salvaging the night, it wasn’t all I had hoped it would be, but I managed to get through it, and that’s what matters.
The next day when we talked about the ordeal and what a difficult time I had I brought up the fact that JR has struggled to take me on a trip since his affair. He understood that for me, this was the same type of thing. He understands that our struggle is the same. He said wasn’t I glad that I had moved past this and that it would be easier the next time. I said yes I was, and then I asked him when is he taking me on a trip, he smiled and said soon.
Sometimes I forget that we both have hurdles to overcome from this affair. I know JR struggles as badly as I do, just with different things. I have moved into a state of extreme sadness since my return home. I have cried constantly. I am so angry that laughter has been replaced with crying, that security has been replaced with anxiety, that safety has been replaced with fear. I am so tired of struggling with the daily reminders of this affair and the wreckage that it left me with. I want so badly to be free of this.