Breaking Through Boundaries…

So much to write about and so little time to write. I’m going to try to start where I left off…my homecoming.

I arrived at the airport an hour later than expected…JR was waiting for me, flowers in hand. I was so happy to see him. At that moment I realized just how much I truly had missed him. I wanted him instantly. We managed to stop for lunch at one of our favorite places, but decided to skip the errands I needed to run to prepare for Valentine’s Day. We had a 45 minute drive home and wanted to have a few hours alone before our daughter got home from work. We had to be at the school at 4:45 for an early practice and then dinner with the team.

As soon as we walked through the door we fell into our bed. The sex was wonderful as it usually is. I have realized that we kiss more now than we ever have before. We touch each other everywhere. We stare into each others eyes. Afterwards we drift off to sleep wrapped in each others arms. We woke to our daughter getting home and got up, got dressed and headed to the school. ( I have to say that it has now been a week since I got home and everyone I have seen has told me how much JR missed me while I was away) After practice we get home and spend some time with the kids and then excuse ourselves to go downstairs. We must have each other again. Wonderful…again, and then we sleep, like I hadn’t slept in over 2 weeks, wrapped in each other all night.

The next morning JR let me sleep in while he worked in his office for a little bit. He woke me with kisses and we headed out to do the running that we had put off the day before. I have a tradition of making really cute, special desserts for us on Valentine’s Day. My son absolutely loves this, though this year he didn’t want to act too excited…he is almost 14, lol, We decided to cook dinner at home and ate early before JR had to leave for practice. While gone to practice I made dessert and had it all ready for when they returned home. While he was gone I got my daughter to help me with my “surprise” for JR. We built a tent in my room and I put a mattress along with glow sticks and toys that I planned on using for fun later. I had very high hopes for the evening. Things would not go as I had hoped.

I have struggled since JR’s affair to do anything romantic or special for him. With the exception of the 3 months immediately after his affair, I was a total fruitcake during that time. Throwing myself at my husband. Giving him hour long back massages by candle light. Washing him from head to toe in a Jacuzzi bath. Sucking every part of his body for hours. Preparing special dinners for us. Inviting him home for lunch and erotic sex. It all makes me sick now when I think about it. That all ended about as quickly as it began. Now it’s been 2 years since I have done anything out of the norm for JR. I was really excited about the tent. My original plan included us taking our dessert downstairs and feeding each other to start things off. After he got home from practice I decided to eat dessert with the kids instead of alone. Then I started watching JR…like a hawk. He yawned…I felt myself tense up. Great he’s tired, this will not turn out well. Then a few minutes later I noticed he grabbed his back when he got out of our chair. Oh wonderful, now his back is bothering him…this isn’t going to go the way I planned it. At this point I’m a complete wreck. 30 minutes go by and JR asks me if I want to go downstairs now…it doesn’t matter, I say. I have decided that maybe we should wait until a better day for my night of fun.

Finally he persuades me to go downstairs and we make our way into the tent. I am extremely stressed at this point and I almost immediately break down. He is stunned, he probably thought I was nuts. Now I am sobbing. I explain to him that he has no idea how hard this is for me, even I can’t believe how hard it is. I wanted to do this, I needed to do this. He holds me and tells me it’s ok if I can’t go through with it, that we can wait. I cry even harder now. No, I explain I NEED to do this. I need to get past it. It’s just one more thing that makes me feel stuck. It’s one more thing that his affair stole from me and I want it back. He was wonderful through out the entire ordeal. He tells me to calm down, we will take our time. Now I try to talk myself out of it by saying it’s too late and he has to work the next morning. He said it didn’t matter, ignore the clock. I’m still crying uncontrollably at this point but decide to try and push through it. I ask him to get me a glass of wine, I needed to calm down. We decided to hop in the shower and start things there…slowly. We ended up salvaging the night, it wasn’t all I had hoped it would be, but I managed to get through it, and that’s what matters.
The next day when we talked about the ordeal and what a difficult time I had I brought up the fact that JR has struggled to take me on a trip since his affair. He understood that for me, this was the same type of thing. He understands that our struggle is the same. He said wasn’t I glad that I had moved past this and that it would be easier the next time. I said yes I was, and then I asked him when is he taking me on a trip, he smiled and said soon.

Sometimes I forget that we both have hurdles to overcome from this affair. I know JR struggles as badly as I do, just with different things. I have moved into a state of extreme sadness since my return home. I have cried constantly. I am so angry that laughter has been replaced with crying, that security has been replaced with anxiety, that safety has been replaced with fear. I am so tired of struggling with the daily reminders of this affair and the wreckage that it left me with. I want so badly to be free of this.


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6 Responses to Breaking Through Boundaries…

  1. I had never heard of hysterical bonding until I started reading the blogs of my fellow cheated spouses. But I now recognise this was something we (I) did too. I was so bonkers after the first and second D days I asked my husband how many times he had had sex with Bitch and then did everything I could to make sure we had sex again more times than they had. I felt like once I had got past the number of times they had done it together then I must be over some kind of hurdle.

    The daily reminders are killers – even when you try to ignore them they refuse to go away. I find sex on top very difficult as she liked it that way – and I resisted it for a very long time after the final D Day. When I finally felt able to, it was horrible – but I put myself through it to make sure it was another thing I had overcome. But it is something I feel she has taken from me, that spontaneous, easy way it should be. Hard, sodding hard.

    • kayboo24 says:

      I did all kinds of crazy things. It’s like I didn’t want there to be a single thing that they could have done that JR and I didn’t also do. Weird. JR and I are very comfortable with each other. I can’t imagine that there is anything we haven’t done. He always says that the sex they had was basic. I believe that because I am the creative one…not him. He is a man after all and as long as he gets off he’s happy. Not to say that he doesn’t enjoy my creativity…he does and he’s always game for whatever. Since his affair he has actually taken on trying different things on his own…he bought us a new toy as a surprise. I love toys!

  2. Still Loving Him says:

    I’m glad you were able to salvage the night, you didn’t let “her” take it from you. My H and I did hysterical bonding for about a year but it didn’t include anything we hadn’t already done in the past.

    I never asked how his AP liked it specifically but I did ask how she did it. I wish that’s one thing I had not asked, now I try not to do any movements that are anything like her. I also had some issues being on top at first, only because that’s how it always was in strip clubs and he told me that’s how it was with a prostuitute in NYC. I had the biggest huddle with oral sex because the AP had done it every time they had been together. She probably sucked my husbands dick 100 times in 6 years. That’s a hell of a lot more than I did it over six years. I had no desire to do that for him when he was a drunk, I guess she didn’t care.

    I’m over the sexual hang up’s for the most part. He’s my husband we’ve had sex thousands of times. His whore got a little of his time when he traveled, I’ll never understand why he would have rather fucked a piece of shit over jacking off but I guess it’s not for me to understand.

    What I know for sure is that if he’d wanted to be with her more than me he would have left me a long time ago. He would not be fighting everyday to keep me. He would not be telling me everyday how important it is to him for us to renew our vows. These are the things that have to matter today because no matter how hard either of us wishes he could take the past back, it’s never going to happen.

    It’s just one more ride in this fucked up amusement park we call life.

    • kayboo24 says:

      JR and I didn’t really do anything we hadn’t already done either. I just went out of my way to make it more enjoyable for him. Sometimes I get real angry at myself for that, but what’s done is done. We spent 2 years after this affair struggling with so many things. Finally I feel like we have moved into a new phase of healing. I still struggle with sadness a lot. It’s like the anger has been replaced with sadness. I don’t know if I notice it so much because it’s the one emotion I seem to have or if I really am that sad.

  3. I, too, had a difficult V-Day. It was one of those days where our lives revolved around the kids because it was a Thursday. I had a meltdown mid-day and uttered some really horrible truths at my husband–who sat there just listening to me. I realized it was because I had a fear that he screwed her on V-Day last year. So I pulled him aside and asked him–I said I don’t care what the answer is, just tell me the truth. He said no, nothing happened, they didn’t see each other, they didn’t exchange cards/gifts/anything. Later that night I felt like she was not going to take away my Valentine’s Day. I was not going to give her the satisfaction of stripping away intimacy from me on this day–I didn’t want to have a memory next year of a cold night. So I took the day back–and we made love… and it was amazing. Just like you said–I needed to get through it and just do it.

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