How Do You Piece Together A Broken Heart?

I am sitting here feeling completely unsatisfied. I am on my 5th glass of wine so this may be all over the place. I am sexually unsatisfied. I am not enjoying it like I used to and I don’t know why. I am slowly shutting down. I told JR that I thought our sex was mediocre. He was not happy about that. I was just trying to be honest. I used to be all about sex, these days not so much. It’s Friday and we have not had sex since Tuesday…that troubles me. He says we will tomorrow, I doubt that. We are leaving in the morning for Florida…Disney world here we come. My parents, my sister and her children are meeting us there. Our oldest daughter will be joining us Sunday night. His answer was that we always have a lot of sex on vacation…while that may normally be true, it wont be for this trip. First of all I will want to spend time with my Mom and my sister after everyone goes to bed, a chance for some girl time. Secondly, we are always exhausted after spending all day in the parks. Translation…no sex. Admittedly, when we have it I’m not enjoying it like I used to, but I would still like to have it as often as I can. I keep hoping that something will spark in me, but so far that hasn’t happened. Could it be from exhaustion? I know that I frequently just feel this immense sadness that takes over all of my mind, it consumes my thoughts and actions. I am extremely tired…all of the time. The kind of tired where you’re not just physically tired, but your mind is tired. I wish I could just shut off my brain, I don’t want to think about anything, especially not about the affair. I miss the “good life” that I had before all of this. Ignorance truly is bliss. I miss feeling like I had it all, as far as I knew I did. I was happy.

JR obviously was not happy, but fuck..I was. Bastard stole my happiness, wrapped it up, put a fucking bow on it and then handed it to some fucking whore. I bet, no I know, she loved that. She loved the idea of living my life. She wanted my life with my husband. Stupid whore didn’t realize that I was the one who created my life, not JR. Without me that life wouldn’t even exist. She would have just been left with a man that needed to be pushed to be better, that got bored with his life and cheated to feel alive again. He would have cheated on her too. He would have been miserable with her. Everything he loves about his life is a direct result of me. It all ties to me. She wouldn’t have even been capable of coming close to creating the life I have…he’s told me that. She pretty much sucks at everything I excel at. The life she saw and that she wanted to steal, was all me…dumb whore. That life goes with me, it stays with me. That saying that behind every great man is a better woman = truth! Sometimes I wish they would have ended up together so he could see her fall flat on her fucking face and vice versa. 

The biggest injustice I can see so far through this, is the fact that it makes me feel incompetent. I feel very badly about …me and I hate that. I felt great about myself before all of this came out. Now I question everything about me. I’m not happy with how I look, how I cook, how I keep house, how I do anything. Why do I feel this way? I know why…because when I felt the absolute best that I ever felt about myself…it wasn’t enough for my husband. He still chose someone else to spend his time with , to fuck, to enjoy. I wonder if they laughed, did they have fun? He wasn’t laughing with me those days, he wasn’t having fun. The question is…if I wasn’t enough, if I wasn’t satisfying to JR when I was at my absolute best…then how could I possibly be enough now that I am at my worst. This affair has left me in the  worst possible state that I could ever be in. How can I be pleasing to him. How can he enjoy me when I can’t even stand myself. The sick thing is…I’m only like this because he fucking cheated…bastard. Sometimes I really just want to walk away…leave it all behind me. Sometimes I fantasize about a life on my own, a life without a husband who broke my heart. Sometimes I want to just run away. I worry that I am falling out of love with JR. If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be…BROKEN. I am a soul that has been broken. How does one heal their soul? I pray all the time for God to heal me, make me whole again. I want to feel love more in my heart, instead of having to constantly say it in my mind. I used to love JR like that…it just “was”. I didn’t have to think about it or question it. It was absolute and pure…it was all I knew. 

Tonight I went through an old purse. I went through a phase where I was buying purses like mad. Since we are leaving tomorrow and it is officially Spring, I wanted to switch to a lighter purse. I chose one that I hadn’t used in quite some time. As I was cleaning it out I started going through the receipts that were left in it. They were all from July through December of 2010. JR began his affair in August of 2010. It was sickening to see a time line of his affair and our interactions during that time. He fucked her for the first time on a Saturday and then we hosted my sister’s baby shower at our home on Sunday and apparently went to lunch together on Monday. Just 48 hours after he fucked his whore he sat with me at a table and shared lunch. I hate him for that. How did he manage to do that. It’s just sick. Can a person who does that to you at one point ever really have your best interest at heart again? Did they ever have your best interest at heart really? Are they just here for what they can get out of it? JR has been doing better and as a result he seems to have very little patience for me when I am struggling. What does that say about him? He wants to just forget that whole thing. He still has no clue why he did what he did..that scares me. How can he truly heal and know that this will never happen again if he doesn’t figure out why it happened in the first place? I think this is crucial, he doesn’t seem to think it’s so important. 

All I know is that I want to feel good again. I want a normal life again. I tell myself I want this life with JR, because I’m supposed to want it…right. He changed the game though and now I’m not sure of anything. It’s been over 2 years and sometimes I still feel as conflicted as I did the day this all started. It’s almost worse now than it was in the beginning. In the beginning I was trying to re-establish my territory, I was reclaiming my man, so to speak. I had to reassert myself into Jr’s life and heart. In the beginning my want for him was insatiable, I couldn’t get enough of him, the sex was amazing…thank you hyper bonding.  Our emotions were so raw and intense, everything was heightened. Now that all of those emotions have subsided all I am left with is doubt, confusion and hurt. I am having to actually hear what my heart and mind are saying and that is scary. What if I can’t move pass what he did to us, how he broke us. What if his affair does end up costing us our marriage? What if I can’t heal from this. What if the only way to move on is to leave all of this in the past, leave it all behind and start over new with a new love? This isn’t what I wanted or ever thought I would have. JR was supposed to be my forever and ever…he changed that. He broke me and I don’t know how to put the pieces back together.

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14 Responses to How Do You Piece Together A Broken Heart?

  1. Samantha Baker says:

    My first thought here is that you two have no emotional intimacy. So how on earth can you have good sexual intimacy without emotional intimacy? Do you communicate well? Are you guys in any type of MC? IC? How is *HE* helping you heal? Has he read How to help your spouse heal from your affair?

    • kayboo24 says:

      We actually do communicate very well, even better now than before. I make sure I say exactly how I feel and he does the same. We plan on reading that book ASAP. Maybe it will help me.

  2. rougedmount says:

    i am truly and so very sorry. The burden of doing all of the work to repair damage you didn’ t cause, and that he won’t acknowledge, is simply overwhelming. Your exhaustion is justified and is a symptom you have to recognize for what it really is. You need help before the stress of your situation will result in long term health issues for yourself. Disclosure to therapists, family and/or friends of your marital situation can be helpful. It can be cathartic to not protect him from the opinions of others. Enjoy your girl time when away. Remember that your responses are completely normal.

  3. Still Loving Him says:

    I’m so sorry your struggling. I’m glad you did this post because I could have written most of it myself. Those damn triggers lurk in every corner of our lives, like in old purses. I’d just read your post when I was walking back in my office to open an old scrapbooking box to grab stickers to spruce up our book for our vacation rental. I’ve had all the scrapping stuff for a long time and wouldn’t you know it, right on top was the paper I’d used to make the invitations to my husbands giant 30th birthday party. He’d been fucking his whore for 4 months at that point. Then there were stickers for my Hawaii scrap book from when he and I went, his next trip there I was not invited and he fucked his business partners wife. It’s like walking through a field of landlines.

    The sex… Oh the sex… We still have a lot of sex but I’m not nearly as into it as I was during hysterical bonding. I mean I want sex but not always with my husband, it’s more when I’m out in public and a hot guy looks at me and my mind starts to wander. I know my thoughts are revenge based. I had a wandering mind before d-day too, I now know that was a side effect of the neglect and my subconscious mind knowing something was off in my marriage. It’s all a quandary. I think the reduction in sex drive is absolutely related to mental and physical exhaustion. Our minds need time to repair and heal. Getting back to a place of homeostasis is going to take a long time.

    I also day dream about a life without my husband. Every house I go in I decorate in my mind as if he doesn’t exist and won’t be with me. I don’t buy a rental property unless I think it’s a good backup for myself to possibly live in if I can’t continue on with him in this life.

    Broken is the exact word I use to describe myself. It’s what I tell my husband I am, what he’s done to me, broken and destroyed.

    My husband also struggles with being compassionate. He does good as long as he doesn’t feel threatened but if he feels like I’m threatening the marriage he fails miserably. I just told him this morning that in those moments where he feels like the marriage is threatened is when he should be extra kind and compassionate because those are the moments I hate him, that’s when I want to escape. Him going on the defensive just makes it worse.

    We are expecting some rain this week in normally sunny Florida but hopefully that will keep it cool. Hope you guys make it to Epcot for the garden show. I’m not a huge theme park fan but I love Epcot garden festival.

    Keep your chin up and know that every emotion your feeling is normal. Going from one extreme to the other is normal.

    The most important thing you must remember is this; you were not lacking in any area, you did not make him unhappy. His issues were with himself and had nothing to do with you. I bet that he like my husband was happy go lucky before some whore made herself available to fuck. They were unhappy with themselves for the horrible things they were doing and they found equally unhappy whores to do them with. Life was likely so good that they failed to stop and realize why it was so good. Just like you I also built our life, if my husbands main whore would have some how ended up with him she too would have been stepping into an empty shell of a life, because his life would not have been the same without me and the kids. The happy man the whore knew was because his wife gave him copious amounts of love and affirmation. The stylish suites and ties he wore were because I picked them out and then helped him pack for every trip, the sexy tight Calvin Kline boxers he wore were what I bought him. He cut his hair the way I liked it, he shaved his face the way I liked it, I kept his body and balls shaved, his nails cut and every fucking thing else. That’s what his whores got a man made by another woman. He was mine first, sloppy seconds for them.

    Kayboo- it wasn’t about dissatisfaction with you… It was about opportunity and taking everything else for granted.

    I’ll stop rambling now! Enjoy FL. {{HUGS}}

    • SLH & Kayboo… such raw and true emotions. I had a bad day today and I knew it might be a trigger day. I prepared for it, talked to my husband about what I was feeling and what I would need from him. He was so good leading up to today. And then–right when I was feeling like I was going to get through my event (he couldn’t be there with me)… he didn’t answer my texts… too busy. Too busy to send a 5 second text message saying: “Thinking of you.” or “I love you.” Too busy for me. There I was feeling second again. My inner voice (the one filled with doubt) telling me–no matter how busy he was at work he made time for his OW’s bullshit. He took an hour + out of his day to go fuck her every week. He texted, called and emailed her–all while at work. But I needed a text message check-in and he didn’t send them. So I called him at the end of my event and started crying and when I read SLH’s reply about how when her husband fails it’s because he feels the marriage is being threatened–yup, that hit home. Completely. My husband can be so good when I’m not upset or he feels I am leaning on him. But when he takes a mistep he gets defensive and offers me nothing that I need.

      Kayboo… I hope you can reconnect with your husband and feel the love you deserve and need.

    • kayboo24 says:

      We didn’t manage to do Epcot and the weather in FL was nuts…lol. We were under tornado warnings during our day at Magic Kingdom, sweating in the heat the next day at Islands of Adventure, and freezing the last day at Universal. But all in all we had a great vacation. I really enjoyed the time with my parents, sister and her children. It felt normal for a change, I haven’t enjoyed anything in so long.
      I think you may have hit on something when you said your husband does well until he feels the marriage is threatened. I think this could be JR’s thing too. His worst fear in all of this is that one morning I will wake up and want out of this marriage.
      The sex has really just become hit or miss these days, I want it less and less and that bothers me. Last night is the first time in a long time that he asked for it and I turned him down. It’s been 6 days now and it bothers me, but not like it should.
      I do the same thing with decorating homes in my mind without him there. I even dreamed last night about a house that I would live in by myself. I saw it exactly the way I would want it. It’s the first time I have dreamed about living by myself. Wonder what that means. I really do love JR and don’t think that I could ever love another man like this. It’s just so hard to handle the pain and hurt.

  4. S says:

    Well. I just ended my relationship with my CS today. I am numb, but also devastated… even though it was my decision and I believe (hope) that it was the right one. Here is my take on things. If you still love him more than you hate him, work on things. If not, then still think hard before you leave him. Leaving does not make the pain of being cheated on go away. At least, not immediately. And it adds the pain of losing someone close to you. Yes, he hurt you, but walking away from him will hurt you, too. Be prepared for that if you leave. I guess it has to get worse before it gets better. I’ll let you know when it gets better.

    • kayboo24 says:

      So sorry your situation turned out this way. I think most of us want to see our relationships get better and it’s tough when they don’t. I do love him more than I hate him. I always have even on DDay. I wont be going anywhere, I’m almost certain. Sometimes I just feel like running away though.

  5. You are so often the voice of reason on my blog when I start feeling like this, pointing out that it’s normal to hit lows like this. Is it possible that you’ve cycled into a low spot? I ask because so often you seem positive about the direction things are going. I don’t have much to add since I still haven’t rekindled any passionate feelings toward Bug and don’t know if I ever will, but I keep trucking forward because I like that option a lot better at this point than not having him in my life.

    • kayboo24 says:

      I think I have just cycled into a low and I am already feeling myself swing back upwards. I have a theory that I’m working on about this. I have started to chart my emotions along with my cycle. I swear that when I get my period I am like a total nut job. I know that my emotions tend to run very high during that time. I get extremely sensitive. It doesn’t help that I am beginning to enter menopause and my brain feels like mush. It just dawned on me that this could be the reason for my lack of a sex drive lately. Wow, funny what comes to mind when you are writing. Guess it’s time for a gyno appt. Totally off topic…I read the comments about your children knowing about the affair. I feel you were attacked without reason by another blogger. I too, told my son at our therapist request, with her present. I plan on writing a post about it all as soon as I get a chance.

  6. bluesky8130 says:

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand how you are feeling because it is many of the same feelings I have right now, including “broken”

  7. recover1day says:

    It always amazes me when I read posts like this that feel so much like I could have written them myself. How similar the emotions and the struggle is for those betrayed regardless of how the circumstances played out. One difference for me is that I was NOT happy before the affair. I was existing and feeling like I was the one bringing everything to the table. The life, the security, the warm comfortable home. I was the one making the romantic efforts of planning our trips, and holidays and big birthday efforts. I was juggling all the demands in my life and yet building him up, listening to his problems, cheering him forward with every set back, wearing myself out and wishing I had a partner who was once in a while my rock when I needed it. Who once in a while swept me off my feet. Who inspired me. Who stimulated my mind instead of droning on about negative shit every day. Don’t get me wrong, he can be kind and giving and sweet but he is extremely self focused and selfish and mostly clueless about how to be there for someone else, how to keep seduction and romance in a relationship, and he can be very needy without understanding how to provide his share of the relationship strength. The similarity is that before the affair I too had confidence in myself. I was proud of everything I could handle day in and day out, all I had achieved, the life I had built, my strength as a special needs parent, and secure in my sexuality and in who I was. He was taking it all in, enjoying it, reaping the benefits and the comfort and yet selfish in how much attention he wanted and in his fantasy about being some ladies man amazing lover, and having hot beautiful women he could either screw or have imaginary affairs with on line anytime he needed more validation. It gave him some sense of power and ego boost. I wasn’t enough. What I was providing wasn’t enough. It was easier to hide from having to give equally in the relationship or work for things and instead build a fantasy about how fantastic he was and how he could have it anytime, anywhere from anyone. He says he felt guilty afterward, what I think he really felt was the realization it was a fantasy and none of them were going to bring all the things I brought to his life. It was all good going in for the sex but reality would set in each time afterward. None of them brought the security, or the interest, or intelligence, or strength I had but he didn’t want to deal with that realization so he convinced himself that it was guilt over being a bad guy, rather that realizing it was fear in knowing that he already had what he needed and didn’t have a freekin clue of how he could ever be enough to keep it. So he’d tell himself that all those feelings were guilt but then he’d justify it all and tear me down in his mind and add up all the times I didn’t meet his perfect fantasy expectations and before you know it he’d be off and running for another sex thrill to sustain him and boost his confidence. His dysfunctional family has made him somewhat unable to really grasp the concepts of relationships, sacrifice, putting someone else equal to your own needs, addictive in his need for validation, selfish in his inability to control impulses, depressed that everything he was touching kept crumbling around him despite some very amazing talent and it was just one big vicious circle. Now I think he feels like he is making monumental efforts, some great sacrifice in being faithful that somehow erases all the fucked up stuff he has done and earns him forgiveness. All the hysterical bonding brought great sex for a while but because he doesn’t understand the concept of how to help me heal and still doesn’t understand the concepts of how to bring romance, seduction, inspiration and strength to his half of the relationship we are now back in that awkward place and sex is unfulfilling and hit and miss. Only now the things I had before…the confidence, the knowing who I was, what I bring, and what I am capable of have been vandalized and tainted. I still feel them. I still know them. But not in the context of us. Not when I am in his presence. Because I wasn’t enough for him to be faithful and it has filled me with a terrible sadness in our relationship and a crazy but powerful belief that no man will ever be safe. Thus I am stuck. Keeping at least the good things we do have rather than starting over again only to have the same thing happen with another man who feels himself entitled to what ever form of sex he wants to pursue at the moment. I question whether I will ever feel enough with him again, whether I can settle for this, and whether I could ever trust another to try again. I still love him. But parts of me hate hi his selfish dysfunctional ways of loving.

  8. My thoughts exactly. I could have written this myself. I often wonder if the damage my husband has done is so irreparable that I will never get over it, that I will never truly be happy again, or that I will never love him or feel for him as strongly as I did before. I hope you feel better soon. You are always so optimistic and I hope you are able to get past this.

  9. kayboo24 says:

    I believe that we can all get through this. I believe that one day I will find happiness again with JR, because it’s what I want more than anything.

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