I am sitting here feeling completely unsatisfied. I am on my 5th glass of wine so this may be all over the place. I am sexually unsatisfied. I am not enjoying it like I used to and I don’t know why. I am slowly shutting down. I told JR that I thought our sex was mediocre. He was not happy about that. I was just trying to be honest. I used to be all about sex, these days not so much. It’s Friday and we have not had sex since Tuesday…that troubles me. He says we will tomorrow, I doubt that. We are leaving in the morning for Florida…Disney world here we come. My parents, my sister and her children are meeting us there. Our oldest daughter will be joining us Sunday night. His answer was that we always have a lot of sex on vacation…while that may normally be true, it wont be for this trip. First of all I will want to spend time with my Mom and my sister after everyone goes to bed, a chance for some girl time. Secondly, we are always exhausted after spending all day in the parks. Translation…no sex. Admittedly, when we have it I’m not enjoying it like I used to, but I would still like to have it as often as I can. I keep hoping that something will spark in me, but so far that hasn’t happened. Could it be from exhaustion? I know that I frequently just feel this immense sadness that takes over all of my mind, it consumes my thoughts and actions. I am extremely tired…all of the time. The kind of tired where you’re not just physically tired, but your mind is tired. I wish I could just shut off my brain, I don’t want to think about anything, especially not about the affair. I miss the “good life” that I had before all of this. Ignorance truly is bliss. I miss feeling like I had it all, as far as I knew I did. I was happy.
JR obviously was not happy, but fuck..I was. Bastard stole my happiness, wrapped it up, put a fucking bow on it and then handed it to some fucking whore. I bet, no I know, she loved that. She loved the idea of living my life. She wanted my life with my husband. Stupid whore didn’t realize that I was the one who created my life, not JR. Without me that life wouldn’t even exist. She would have just been left with a man that needed to be pushed to be better, that got bored with his life and cheated to feel alive again. He would have cheated on her too. He would have been miserable with her. Everything he loves about his life is a direct result of me. It all ties to me. She wouldn’t have even been capable of coming close to creating the life I have…he’s told me that. She pretty much sucks at everything I excel at. The life she saw and that she wanted to steal, was all me…dumb whore. That life goes with me, it stays with me. That saying that behind every great man is a better woman = truth! Sometimes I wish they would have ended up together so he could see her fall flat on her fucking face and vice versa.
The biggest injustice I can see so far through this, is the fact that it makes me feel incompetent. I feel very badly about …me and I hate that. I felt great about myself before all of this came out. Now I question everything about me. I’m not happy with how I look, how I cook, how I keep house, how I do anything. Why do I feel this way? I know why…because when I felt the absolute best that I ever felt about myself…it wasn’t enough for my husband. He still chose someone else to spend his time with , to fuck, to enjoy. I wonder if they laughed, did they have fun? He wasn’t laughing with me those days, he wasn’t having fun. The question is…if I wasn’t enough, if I wasn’t satisfying to JR when I was at my absolute best…then how could I possibly be enough now that I am at my worst. This affair has left me in the worst possible state that I could ever be in. How can I be pleasing to him. How can he enjoy me when I can’t even stand myself. The sick thing is…I’m only like this because he fucking cheated…bastard. Sometimes I really just want to walk away…leave it all behind me. Sometimes I fantasize about a life on my own, a life without a husband who broke my heart. Sometimes I want to just run away. I worry that I am falling out of love with JR. If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be…BROKEN. I am a soul that has been broken. How does one heal their soul? I pray all the time for God to heal me, make me whole again. I want to feel love more in my heart, instead of having to constantly say it in my mind. I used to love JR like that…it just “was”. I didn’t have to think about it or question it. It was absolute and pure…it was all I knew.
Tonight I went through an old purse. I went through a phase where I was buying purses like mad. Since we are leaving tomorrow and it is officially Spring, I wanted to switch to a lighter purse. I chose one that I hadn’t used in quite some time. As I was cleaning it out I started going through the receipts that were left in it. They were all from July through December of 2010. JR began his affair in August of 2010. It was sickening to see a time line of his affair and our interactions during that time. He fucked her for the first time on a Saturday and then we hosted my sister’s baby shower at our home on Sunday and apparently went to lunch together on Monday. Just 48 hours after he fucked his whore he sat with me at a table and shared lunch. I hate him for that. How did he manage to do that. It’s just sick. Can a person who does that to you at one point ever really have your best interest at heart again? Did they ever have your best interest at heart really? Are they just here for what they can get out of it? JR has been doing better and as a result he seems to have very little patience for me when I am struggling. What does that say about him? He wants to just forget that whole thing. He still has no clue why he did what he did..that scares me. How can he truly heal and know that this will never happen again if he doesn’t figure out why it happened in the first place? I think this is crucial, he doesn’t seem to think it’s so important.
All I know is that I want to feel good again. I want a normal life again. I tell myself I want this life with JR, because I’m supposed to want it…right. He changed the game though and now I’m not sure of anything. It’s been over 2 years and sometimes I still feel as conflicted as I did the day this all started. It’s almost worse now than it was in the beginning. In the beginning I was trying to re-establish my territory, I was reclaiming my man, so to speak. I had to reassert myself into Jr’s life and heart. In the beginning my want for him was insatiable, I couldn’t get enough of him, the sex was amazing…thank you hyper bonding. Our emotions were so raw and intense, everything was heightened. Now that all of those emotions have subsided all I am left with is doubt, confusion and hurt. I am having to actually hear what my heart and mind are saying and that is scary. What if I can’t move pass what he did to us, how he broke us. What if his affair does end up costing us our marriage? What if I can’t heal from this. What if the only way to move on is to leave all of this in the past, leave it all behind and start over new with a new love? This isn’t what I wanted or ever thought I would have. JR was supposed to be my forever and ever…he changed that. He broke me and I don’t know how to put the pieces back together.