This weekend, well this whole past week actually,was a rough one. I have felt a real disconnect from my life and my husband. I found myself asking JR what would be his rock bottom and what his biggest fear was. He didn’t think at that time that he had hit a real rock bottom, and I didn’t think so either. His biggest fear was that I would stop loving him and that I would leave him.
I guess rock bottom would only come if that did happen. I have spent countless hours trying to tell him, in a way that makes sense, what I need from him. He says he understands and that I have made myself very clear. So after a horrible Friday, a so so Saturday and a nightmarish Sunday morning I decided I was done. I could no longer remain here with him. He saw it on my face as we laid in our bed together. What happened next was not what I expected. JR practically lost it. He was a wreck. He has been all over the place and it’s so unnatural for him. It’s very unsettling for me. I was extremely upset and he had gotten in the shower. I laid in bed thinking and I realized that I just can’t walk away from this man…it would be like chopping off my own arm.
I decided to join him in the shower and we talked about his fears and I asked what is the hardest for him. He told me that being with me, sometimes, is the hardest thing for him. This is not what I expected to hear and it rocked me to my core. He said I was what made him so unhappy. Now I lost it and I am a wreck and he looks terrified. He quickly tries to explain what had come out wrong with that statement. He explained that he sees me struggle, he sees my pain and how lost I become and he hurts for me. My unhappiness makes him unhappy. He has struggled with ED and that drives me insane, I asked him to tell me why he thinks this happens. He admitted that he feels like he doesn’t deserve to be with me. He sees how badly I want him and it makes him hate himself. He doesn’t understand how I can still want him the way I do after all that he has done to me. He has some extreme self loathing going on. I have known this for some time now. He doesn’t dress the way he used to, he barely grooms himself anymore. He has always been a very proud man and taken very good care of himself. He admitted that he can barley stand to look at himself in the mirror most days. He is struggling as badly as I am to let go of the past. He sometimes, as do I, will forget about the bad…and in those moments I see my husband, my JR and it is the best thing in the world. It’s what I crave.
We ended up taken our son and dog to the beach and going for a very long, relaxing walk. When we got home he asked me to walk with him out on the dock. We sat there and talked about our future and he told me that he realizes he has to make changes now or he knows I will leave him…he understands this. He explained that it’s the guilt that is ruining him. When he starts to feel good and he sees me doing better something inside of him triggers and says…you don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve her, how can you be happy after what you did. This is when he shuts down and then I get frustrated. I asked him how can I help him with this. He gets choked up and tells me that he needs me to tell him when I am proud of him. He feels like I am ashamed of him. I had taken pictures of him coaching this season and I had not yet put them on my computer or FB. He said he felt like I didn’t do it because I was ashamed of him. I was in shock. Why hadn’t he ever said this to me before? I had no idea that it bothered him that I had procrastinated with putting up pictures. There was no reason behind it for me, I still had pictures to post from my daughter’s going away and coming home parties. That’s how far behind I had gotten with my pictures.
Light bulbs went on during this conversation. JR is as wounded as I am. I know that some of this is coming from issues he had as a child. His parents never told him they were proud of him growing up. They didn’t do the whole lovey, mushy stuff. JR as a result is very lovey and mushy. He always tells me and our children how proud he is of us. I think some of his motivation for an affair were fueled by his need for attention from me, and like a child would, he acted out to get me to pay attention to him…he did this as a child. The problem is that it was always negative behavior and that got negative responses. This is true for him now. He hated what he was doing with Nikki and when I think back he wasn’t a man trying to be real secretive and sly, he was throwing hints in my direction constantly. He wanted me…my attention, not hers. That’s why it was so easy for him to drop everything with her the moment I found out. He never saw her again after he told me about it.
I feel like I am rambling at this point. It’s just that I have discovered things about JR this weekend that I was not fully aware of before. It was very eye opening.
Finally I have decided to give up blogging at the end of this month. I found this outlet when I was in great need, it’s been almost 6 months now. I needed to know that I was not alone, I needed to know that others are struggling with all of the same things I am. I needed the advice that I have received from so many wise women…and men. It filled a need. Now my needs are changing. Now what I need is to not focus on the pain so much and the past. When I read the blogs that I follow sometimes I feel stuck in this infidelity land. It’s like I bought a one day ticket and then never left the park. I need to leave the park…it’s time for a new theme park, a new ride.
We are moving at the end of this month and I really want to leave all of the bad here, in this place. I want to move with a new outlook and a new motivation to heal my family. JR is still a very broken man and he needs all of my attention and love…and I need his too. We have both agreed to leave certain things here and one of those things for me is this blog. I will continue to write and share my story through April and then I will move on to something else. I’m going to move on with my life.