JR’s Rock Bottom….

This weekend, well this whole past week actually,was a rough one. I have felt a real disconnect from my life and my husband. I found myself asking JR what would be his rock bottom and what his biggest fear was. He didn’t think at that time that he had hit a real rock bottom, and I didn’t think so either. His biggest fear was that I would stop loving him and that I would leave him. 

I guess rock bottom would only come if that did happen. I have spent countless hours trying to tell him, in a way that makes sense, what I need from him. He says he understands and that I have made myself very clear. So after a horrible Friday, a so so Saturday and a nightmarish Sunday morning I decided I was done. I could no longer remain here with him. He saw it on my face as we laid in our bed together. What happened next was not what I expected. JR practically lost it. He was a wreck. He has been all over the place and it’s so unnatural for him. It’s very unsettling for me. I was extremely upset and he had gotten in the shower. I laid in bed thinking and I realized that I just can’t walk away from this man…it would be like chopping off my own arm. 

I decided to join him in the shower and we talked about his fears and I asked what is the hardest for him. He told me that being with me, sometimes, is the hardest thing for him. This is not what I expected to hear and it rocked me to my core. He said I was what made him so unhappy. Now I lost it and I am a wreck and he looks terrified. He quickly tries to explain what had come out wrong with that statement. He explained that he sees me struggle, he sees my pain and how lost I become and he hurts for me. My unhappiness makes him unhappy. He has struggled with ED and that drives me insane, I asked him to tell me why he thinks this happens. He admitted that he feels like he doesn’t deserve to be with me. He sees how badly I want him and it makes him hate himself. He doesn’t understand how I can still want him the way I do after all that he has done to me. He has some extreme self loathing going on. I have known this for some time now. He doesn’t dress the way he used to, he barely grooms himself anymore. He has always been a very proud man and taken very good care of himself. He admitted that he can barley stand to look at himself in the mirror most days. He is struggling as badly as I am to let go of the past. He sometimes, as do I, will forget about the bad…and in those moments I see my husband, my JR and it is the best thing in the world. It’s what I crave. 

We ended up taken our son and dog to the beach and going for a very long, relaxing walk. When we got home he asked me to walk with him out on the dock. We sat there and talked about our future and he told me that he realizes he has to make changes now or he knows I will leave him…he understands this. He explained that it’s the guilt that is ruining him. When he starts to feel good and he sees me doing better something inside of him triggers and says…you don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve her, how can you be happy after what you did. This is when he shuts down and then I get frustrated. I asked him how can I help him with this. He gets choked up and tells me that he needs me to tell him when I am proud of him. He feels like I am ashamed of him. I had taken pictures of him coaching this season and I had not yet put them on my computer or FB. He said he felt like I didn’t do it because I was ashamed of him. I was in shock. Why hadn’t he ever said this to me before? I had no idea that it bothered him that I had procrastinated with putting up pictures. There was no reason behind it for me, I still had pictures to post from my daughter’s going away and coming home parties. That’s how far behind I had gotten with my pictures. 

Light bulbs went on during this conversation. JR is as wounded as I am. I know that some of this is coming from issues he had as a child. His parents never told him they were proud of him growing up. They didn’t do the whole lovey, mushy stuff. JR as a result is very lovey and mushy. He always tells me and our children how proud he is of us. I think some of his motivation for an affair were fueled by his need for attention from me, and like a child would, he acted out to get me to pay attention to him…he did this as a child. The problem is that it was always negative behavior and that got negative responses. This is true for him now. He hated what he was doing with Nikki and when I think back he wasn’t a man trying to be real secretive and sly, he was throwing hints in my direction constantly. He wanted me…my attention, not hers. That’s why it was so easy for him to drop everything with her the moment I found out. He never saw her again after he told me about it. 

I feel like I am rambling at this point. It’s just that I have discovered things about JR this weekend that I was not fully aware of before. It was very eye opening. 

Finally I have decided to give up blogging at the end of this month. I found this outlet when I was in great need, it’s been almost 6 months now. I needed to know that I was not alone, I needed to know that others are struggling with all of the same things I am. I needed the advice that I have received from so many wise women…and men. It filled a need. Now my needs are changing. Now what I need is to not focus on the pain so much and the past. When I read the blogs that I follow sometimes I feel stuck in this infidelity land. It’s like I bought a one day ticket and then never left the park. I need to leave the park…it’s time for a new theme park, a new ride. 

We are moving at the end of this month and I really want to leave all of the bad here, in this place. I want to move with a new outlook and a new motivation to heal my family. JR is still a very broken man and he needs all of my attention and love…and I need his too. We have both agreed to leave certain things here and one of those things for me is this blog. I will continue to write and share my story through April and then I will move on to something else. I’m going to move on with my life.

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22 Responses to JR’s Rock Bottom….

  1. rougedmount says:

    i am very happy that you had a need fulfilled…and that you have the security in yourself..the trust ..to move on. it sounds like you have a long road ahead of you and i wish you the best on your journey

  2. Flaca says:

    Thank you for sharing your journey. I understand how you feel. I too hope that I don’t linger too long in this theme park from hell, “unfaithful-ville.” i hope you know that your story helped me. i know you’re not gone yet, but in friendship and solidarity – i wish you peace, health and love.

  3. Still Loving Him says:

    When I first started reading this I thought, if she feels that unhappy she needs to leave. Then as I got further into the post I could completely identify. I have “moments” and that’s all they are today, just moments, where I feel like I can’t do this another day. In the next moment or next day I’ll think I can’t live without my husband. Our therapist has told us that these extreme ups and downs are so damaging to our mental stability. Great advice but how to apply it in affair recovery is a different battle.

    What JR said about your unhappiness making him unhappy makes perfect sense, at the same time his unhappiness probably makes you unhappy. It’s a never ending battle.

    If he doesn’t think he deserves you when your happy and he’s having ED issues because of it all, it honestly sounds like you guys need to find a good couples counselor. Therapy has done wonders in our marriage, in fact I think any marriage could benefit from therapy whether infidelity is present or not.

    Just today my H and I got into a spat over something ridiculous, he reminded me of communication tactics We’d learned in therapy, we were able to calmly get over our misunderstanding because we’d learned the tools needed to do so.

    The shit we carry over from childhood is such a bitch. My husband ended up just like his mother, alcholic, drug addict, rampant infidelity. Oddly he’s gotten sober in his life just about the same time in her life that she did. She remained a very self centered person, hopefully my H won’t also repeat that.

    I think your idea about the blog is brilliant. I’ve said so many times that I’m going to delete my blog and just move on. My husband has encouraged me to keep writing. I know what you mean though about staying in affair land, sometimes I feel depressed and triggered after reading some blogs. Some infuriate me, like the ones written by home wrecking whores, I don’t know why I even read those. Honestly I sometimes feel so sick of reading about infidelity too. I’ve done 150 post, I mean how much shit can I write about infidelity?

    I’m so happy to hear you guys found a new house. Is this one on the beach? We’ve still not decided what to do about our house. I stay in a constant state of confusion about it.

    • kayboo24 says:

      It does seem to be a never ending cycle, some merry go round or something. I hope that just knowing this and identifying it will help us stop the motion or work through it better. As for the ED issues, they happen very rarely these days and I think he was triggered about the house and they move. The last time we moved we were both running from a painful past and I think it has been triggering JR some, he has admitted this to me recently, so it makes sense now.

      I too follow some of the “other women” blogs. I have just started to let go of those blogs. I think in the beginning of blogging I wanted to see all sides of affairs. Now I don’t really care so much what the other women think. I feel sorry for most of them and believe they are truly damaged women. When this is done and I move on from here I will only follow positive blogs. I want to read about things that make me feel good. I have often gotten caught up in other people’s issues on here and drag it over to JR even when I don’t mean to. That’s simply not fair to him, so it’s time to move on.

      We did find a house and got the word on it Tuesday. It’s just a few miles from where we are now and it’s on the intracoastal waterway. It’s smaller, but I love it. I’m super excited about the move in 3 weeks. JR is super stressed about it. He hates change and worries. I told him just last night to please relax. I told him just give it 30 days after we get settled and I promise it will feel as much like home to him as this place does. I know he will be fine. He asked me was I running from anything this time. I assured him I am not. I’m just improving my home life. I did tell him that I want him to work hard to leave all of the pain and bad stuff here, let’s not box it up and take it with us this time. He agrees.

  4. As much as I’ll miss you, I understand the need to get off the ride. Most days, I feel fine until I start reading blogs.

    I know Bug has struggled with looking in the mirror. He wrote about it, and that was when I first began to see how hurt he was too.

    • kayboo24 says:

      Maybe you’ll be able to soon get off the ride too, I hope. Funny how it takes us a while to realize how hurt they are too. I know for me it’s because I was much too busy with my own shit to worry about his…oh well. Things are finally looking up now.

  5. Still Loving Him says:

    Kayboo, I’d love to keep in touch with you, if your open to it. My email address is stilllovinghim1@gmail.com

    • kayboo24 says:

      I would love to stay in touch. I do plan on following a few of the blogs I enjoy (yours is one of them) I just don’t plan to write so much…at least not about this anymore. Maybe I’ll write about my silly dog, he is always doing something to make me laugh.

  6. I can relate to everything you wrote and so can my husband. One of the first messages he wrote to me once we started the recovery process was that he found it difficult to look in the mirror. He still feels that way. We spent some time discussing similar topics this weekend too. I recognize my husband’s need for attention too and I feel like his affair was a cry for help. He says he will try to accept the pain and destruction he inflicted upon himself but he will never forgive himself for what he has done to me and our children. He’s said this over and over–that he hates himself, he hates what he did and he the affair is unforgivable to him. He wants to identify everything as black or white–if you cheated on a test in 6th grade you are a cheater for the rest of your life. It doesn’t matter if you never did it again–that is who you are. He doesn’t seem to understand he needs to let it go for us to survive. Pain begets pain.

    I will miss you but respect your decision to leave the blogging world behind–I’ve pondered the same thing. I feel like our situations mirror each other so similarly that I often hope you’ll have something hopeful to say when I am down. But blogging is an interesting thing… I read posts and then I question my own life and begin to drown in another person’s issues. That’s not healthy for anyone.

    • kayboo24 says:

      You just have to remember to keep encouraging your husband. Tell him how you feel about him. I tell JR all the time that he is not a bad person. I ask him…do you think I am the type of woman who could be in love with a bad man? He says no, he knows I couldn’t. It has taken him a long time, but I believe he is finally starting to forgive himself.

      • I think our husbands share the same ideology. They recognize what they have done was so far beyond their character that they focus on only the damage done. They know we (the wives) deserve better and they cannot see themselves as good enough to deserve us. I do deserve better than a cheating husband but I couldn’t control his behavior anymore than I could control the wails from our children when they were babies. There is only so much that is in my power–the rest is up to the individual.
        I will continue to encourage him and try to move him to a better place and understanding. Thank you!

  7. Not Over It says:

    Kayboo – you and I have so often been in the same place in our feelings at the same time, and here we are again. I am also a trigger for Daniel. Sadness and tears in my eyes will send him spinning into guilt and shame and he will either respond by either shutting down or getting angry.

    I have also pondered the idea of shutting down my blog. My coach feels I am keeping the pain close by continuing to write about betrayal and suffering. But in my case, I have decided to keep the blog for a while longer. I will just change its focus. I will focus on the insights and lessons and the strength I am discovering within me. Just in the last two weeks of being away, I have learned so many things… so I still need to process and journal about it before I feel my blog is complete and I retire into the sunset.

    I look forward to your remaining posts, and I will miss you.

    Love & prayers,

    • kayboo24 says:

      DJ…I have missed you while you have been away. I’m glad to hear that things are better with your daughter and you as well. I agree with your coach, at least for myself, I need to move forward. These blogs sometimes drag me backwards. I do plan to continue following just a few of my blogging friends and just changing the focus of my own blog as well. Sometimes I feel like I have so far to go still, but when I reflect over the past 2 and a half years I can truly see just how far I have come. It has been quite a journey, I must say.

  8. Kayboo….I am glad that you are still having revelations in your healing process. When we are triggered by other’s pain and it keeps us stuck, it is best to get away and breath for awhile. I think we all go through times of wondering when the time to quit will come. I’m not triggered by other’s blogs so it’s a lot easier to stay but I applaud your decision because you are choosing to do what’s good for your marriage not just yourself. If my husband ever asked me to stop I would but we talk about all the different blogs together and i think he finds the conversations interesting. I think he enjoys reading my blogs as well especially because of the good place we are at now. I wish you much continued success in your journey and for you and JR to find that you can have a renewed marriage and not stay stuck in the past. Blessings!

  9. Pingback: Moving forward and working towards forgiveness | Healing After My Husband's Affair

  10. blogventer says:

    I will miss you, but I’m glad for you that you’ve had this space to get out what you needed to get out, and that you are able to move forward. And that your marriage is still working! Thank you so much for being my blogging friend and support, Kayboo. Best of luck going forward. (And I’m glad you’ve given us all a month’s warning! 😉 )

  11. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    Kayboo, Congratulations on your move! I’m truly going to miss you if you stop blogging, but I’ll always remember you with fondness. 🙂 I want to share the following with all my “cyberfriends”–1981

    “The following is from Anne and Brian Bercht, founders of Beyond Affairs Network (BAN). Anne is the author of “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me” (PLEASE DON’T MISJUDGE THAT BOOK’S TITLE! WHEN YOU READ THE BOOK YOU’LL SEE THAT THE TITLE IS SOMEWHAT OF A “TEASER” AND THAT ANNE BERCHT IS A VERY RECOGNIZED AND QUALIFIED COUNSELOR AND FORMER BETRAYED SPOUSE.) Her article (below) concerns the MISINFORMATION in the entire world (INCLUDING therapists) pertaining to Betrayed Spouses and Wayward Spouses. I’m sharing this with everyone I “know.” Rescuing My Marriage (a former mental health therapist) works regularly with Anne and Brian Bercht and highly recommends their programs.” from 1981

    Reposted from huperecho.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/regrets-the-fine-line-between-contributing-to-marital-problems-and-causing-a-spouses-infidelity ” I thought this was a good read and it comes from a woman who has successfully healed from infidelity and is still with her husband today. You can read other articles at beyondaffairs.com ” from Marie (huperecho)

    Regrets – The Fine Line Between Contributing to Marital Problems and Causing a Spouse’s Infidelity (by Anne Bercht):

    A Reader’s Question to Anne Bercht: Dear Anne – I am noticing that I am entering a new stage of grief. I am struggling with finding the line between contributing to some of our marital problems, and causing his infidelity. My heart and brain say 2 different things. Can you explain this?

    Anne Bercht’s Answer: The more I learn about extramarital affairs, the more amazed I am that society generally fails to see the elephant in the room when it comes to the cause of affairs.

    When you discover that your spouse has been unfaithful, most people ask themselves “What did I do wrong?” (The answer is nothing, but we can’t grasp that yet, neither can our friends, neither can our spouse, AND OFTENTIMES NEITHER CAN OUR THERAPIST.)

    The people in our lives help us blame ourselves. I don’t know how many times I was faced with a well-meaning friend asking, “Anne, I wonder what you did to cause Brian’s affair?” Then we ask our unfaithful spouse, “Why did you do this to me?” They are usually ready with a list of grievances of how unhappy they were and can readily tell us what we did to cause their affair.

    When you go as a couple to see a counselor or therapist (devastated and desperate for support, love, and empathy), you will usually be faced with this statement: “Let’s not talk about the affair. Let’s talk about what was wrong in the marriage to cause the affair?” The very premise of the question may lead you astray from finding the answer you need. OFTEN NOTHING WAS WRONG IN THE MARRIAGE TO CAUSE THE AFFAIR.

    Why do we not get it that even in happy marriages, especially long-term relationships, it can feel enticing when a 3rd party starts paying attention to us? Most unfaithful spouses are unaware of what’s happening at first. The beginnings are often very subtle.

    Of course since there are no perfect marriages and no perfect people, when we go looking for the “problem in the marriage,” or the problem with the faithful spouse, we can always find something to blame the affair on.

    One woman came to my BAN group after 30 years of marriage. She was a mess. Her husband had an affair every 5 years in their marriage, and every time he had an affair, they went for therapy and discovered what SHE did wrong to cause the infidelity. The first time it turned out it was because she didn’t keep the house clean enough and this really bothered her husband. So she became a better house cleaner, and they moved on believing they were healed. Ten years into the marriage it turned out she was a poor listener. So she became a really good listener, and that therapist affirmed them both that all was well. 15 years into the marriage it turned out she wasn’t having enough recreational companionship with her husband. So she began to play golf with him and they were supposedly healed. 20 years into the marriage it turned out that she was not adventurous enough in the bedroom, so she became a sex goddess, acquired an extensive lingerie collection, and got experimental. WHY ARE WE MISSING THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM HERE? HE is the problem! HE is the one who is engaging in the unacceptable behavior! HE is the one who keeps breaking his promises!

    By the time the last affair was discovered 30 years into the marriage, the wife was losing her mind (testament to her high level of sanity that she made it this far). She admitted herself to the psych ward at the hospital. When she finally realized that SHE WAS NOT THE PROBLEM, she was able to heal. Had the real core issues been addressed from the beginning BY THEIR THERAPISTS, this marriage may have been saved.

    The “I DON’T LOVE YOU – I LOVE YOU BUT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU – I’VE NEVER LOVED YOU” lies that many Wayward Spouses say:
    One woman’s husband told her that in all the 35 years they had been married, he had never once loved her, not even when he asked her to marry her. Really? If this were true one could only conclude he was a total idiot. Why would you choose to marry someone, and choose to stay married to him or her for 35 years when you never once loved him or her? After all, it was not as if she’d taken a gun to his head, right down the aisle to the altar and said: Say “I do” or I’ll shoot. He CHOSE to marry her and he is responsible for his decision. I hear this line from most unfaithful spouses we work with: “I never loved my spouse.” ***IT SIMPLY ISN’T TRUE!*** Unfaithful spouses convince themselves of this to give them permission to have affair/s, because otherwise, they would think of themselves as a ‘bad’ person. “If I love my spouse and I have an affair anyway, then I must be a bad person,” they reason. In addition, their thinking gets distorted. THEY REWRITE THEIR MARITAL HISTORY IN THEIR MINDS. BAD MEMORIES BECOME BIGGER, AND THE GOOD MEMORIES AND THE LOVING FEELINGS THEY ONCE HAD ARE FORGOTTEN.

    The elephant in the room, which society is missing completely, is that just because you have a good marriage, does not mean you cannot be tempted by an affair.

    To every betrayed spouse: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR

    To every unfaithful spouse: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR

    I am often asked when I appear on television talk shows, “Do you accept responsibility for your part in Brian’s affair?” I answer, “I didn’t have a part in Brian’s affair, and if I would’ve been given a part I would’ve voted ‘no, let’s not do it.’”
    When I stand before God to give an account for my life, one question God will not be asking me is “Anne, why did you make Brian have an affair?”

    I will, however, give an account for ways that I may have failed Brian in the marriage, but these things did not cause the affair. For every marriage where we discover problems where there has been an affair, I can point to other marriages with worse problems where there has not been an affair. PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE DOES NOT LEAD TO AFFAIRS. I’m appalled that I must state the obvious, but there are actually healthy ways to deal with problems in marriage!

    There are many marriages today with problems, and it is true that these marriages are more vulnerable to affairs than marriages that are happy. There are also many other factors that lead to affairs. These are the gaps. These are the things we bring forth by working in person with couples through our Healing From Affairs weekends. You can also have access to the cognitive part of this teaching and our assessment tool, which will help you determine the root causes of the affair in your marriage by listening to our Healing From Affairs DVD program.

    There is no time like the present (working through the devastation of an affair) to look at what could’ve been better in the marriage, but if we label these as the causes, we’re going to be missing significant factors that led to the affair. This thinking is the reason why there are so many repeat offenders. If you don’t find the real root, it’s going to happen again. If you over simplify the answer, you’re going to make some improvements, but be missing the big picture.

    Usually when the betrayed spouse asks the unfaithful spouse, “Why did you do this?” And the unfaithful spouse answers, “I don’t know.” THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH. THEY DON’T KNOW YET. YOU ARE GOING TO DISCOVER THIS TOGETHER.

    When we worked through our Healing from Affairs journey, of course I discovered things I did wrong in the marriage. Brian discovered things he did wrong in the marriag. We uncovered many behaviors of mine that had damaged and wounded my husband. We also uncovered many behaviors of my husband that had damaged and wounded me. We both made changes and it’s been wonderful to make and experience those changes.

    A defining moment for me came when Brian said, “Anne, I appreciate all the changes you’ve made since we’ve worked through the affair. Our marriage is so much better today, and I really value that. I’VE LEARNED, HOWEVER, THAT EVEN IF YOU’D BEEN THE PERFECT SPOUSE BEFORE MY AFFAIR, I STILL WOULD’VE HAD THE AFFAIR, BECAUSE MY AFFAIR HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, AND HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY SHORTCOMINGS AS A MAN.”

    This is the elephant in the room.

    If you are the betrayed spouse, and you are less than 6 months from the day of your discovery of the affair (d-day), please don’t push yourself to look at your contribution to problems in the marriage. It’s too painful. Do it when you’re ready. It’s so important that we separate marital issues from affair issues. They must remain 2 separate issues if the marriage is to be healed. If they are not kept separate, the betrayed spouse struggles for ongoing years with unhealthy obsessiveness, that goes something like this:

    Am I pretty enough? Are we having enough recreational companionship? Are we having enough sex? Enough sexual 10’s? Am I being a good enough mother? (or Am I being a good enough father – if the BS is a man)? Is the house clean enough? The list is endless, and living with this list, believing it’s directly connected to the possibility of your spouse having another affair, is like living with a ball and a chain around your leg. You may as well be in prison. No one can live this way. I’m all for spouses working towards meeting each others’ needs and being conscious and intentional about their marriages. I highly recommend it, but not when we attach, “And if you get it wrong on any given day, I might have an affair.” No one gets it perfect all the time. I need permission to fail sometimes and know that my spouse will seek a healthy way of dealing with his dissatisfaction, not that my failure to get it right is going to lead to the pain of betrayal.

    I hope this serves to clarify the fine line between taking responsibility for ways we may have failed our spouse VS. taking responsibility for the affair.

    Again, I emphasize:
    To every betrayed spouse: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR
    To every unfaithful spouse: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR

    Anne Bercht
    ©Copyright 2011 Anne and Brian Bercht. All rights reserved.

    • kayboo24 says:

      That was a very powerful read…I’m crying after reading this. So much of it hits home for me. I don’t feel responsible for JR’s affair, but sometimes I worry that he will get bored again. We have been through this twice now and I simply couldn’t live through it again. I still don’t believe that JR has done enough work on himself to fix all that was wrong, but he tries everyday. Just this past Monday he told me that he doesn’t think he has changed his behaviors enough since the affair.He feels that he still has a lot of work to do. As long as I see that commitment from him then I’m here to stay. Thank you for sharing this.

      • betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

        To clear up any ambiguities, I want to make it clear that the Anne Bercht article (above) is reposted from the blog of my friend Marie huperecho.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/regrets-the-fine-line-between-contributing-to-marital-problems-and-causing-a-spouses-infidelity

        The addition that I made is the first paragraph, “The following is from Anne and Brian Bercht, founders of Beyond Affairs Network (BAN)….and highly recommends their programs.” from 1981

        I’m careful to NOT take credit for someone else’s good deeds, and I’m WORKING ON (I haven’t gotten there yet) not taking the blame for someone else’s bad deeds. Marie’s blogging of Anne Bercht’s article is very much a good deed! As I’m not as blog-savvy as most of you, I don’t know how to “reblog”; therefore my reposting consists of “copy & paste” (old-fashioned word processing technique). 🙂 1981

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