This has been an interesting day. It actually began yesterday. We had to spend the day in hometown with our youngest daughter, trading in her car. While we were at lunch I get a text from my oldest daughter that says she broke up with her boyfriend…he was cheating on her. We were at lunch with JR’s mom, step-dad, sister and our youngest daughter. We were just talking about our oldest when I got the text. It took me by surprise and I quickly mentioned it to JR and then changed the subject. No more was said about it after that. We ended up getting home really late and just the emotion from the day in hometown made me feel exhausted. JR and I didn’t talk much on the way home. I actually handled hometown better than I have in the past and I felt pretty good, tired, but good. The minute we pulled into our driveway this funk just over came me that I can’t describe. I had been “in the mood” all day, and the minute we got home that feeling vanished. We did end up having sex but my heart wasn’t in it and it was just so so for me, though JR did seem quite pleased. I guess that’s one positive.
Later I was talking with JR and I was explaining to him how I felt when we got home. I’m not sure if he really understands my feelings, but I know he tries. I explained that I have done the most grieving in this home. I have shed the most tears in this home. Some of our worst fights have happened in this home. JR left me for 4 days and stayed in a hotel while we are in this home. It was the only time that leaving was his idea instead of mine. He thought I needed some space, he was right at the time…I remember it was during my period of extreme anger. I hated him, I couldn’t stand to be near him at that time. I know that the immediate after shocks of the affair were the worst, but I was on that “gotta win my man back” high that some of us experience immediately after the affair comes out. It doesn’t allow you to feel things with your true feelings. This house has never felt like a home to me…it was just a place to be for a time. I am so grateful to be leaving all of this negative energy here and moving someplace new in a little over a week. I plan on making very good memories there and creating a home.
Now, back to the topic of this post. I feel like a really shitty mother. I have yet to talk to my daughter about her break-up and the cheating dirtbag boyfriend. I am avoiding her. It’s such a touchy topic for me. I don’t know how to give her advice without sounding like a complete hypocrite. I want to tell her to never speak to that asshole again. She is way to good for him. Run while you have the chance. If he did it now, he will do it again. He never loved you. It’s only been 6 months and he’s already cheating. Fucking bastard. I want to tell her all of the awful things that I have worked so hard not to believe about JR, her father. The things that I told myself in the beginning and have worked so hard to replace with hope, love and trust. So I have managed to avoid her for two days, and now I feel like a piece of shit myself.
JR came home from work and asked had I talked to oldest daughter. I said no. I have been very busy with moving stuff, so no time for phone calls. I went about my business and some time later I realized that JR was on the phone. I was in our chair printing something on the laptop and JR was in the sunroom and I could just overhear his conversation. He was talking to oldest daughter about her boyfriend cheating. I hear him tell her not to call him and ask him why he did it…that she would never get the answers she needed and wanted. He told her to just be done with him. I was shocked and started to feel angry, even though I agreed with her being done with the guy. I walked in there and told him that it’s a good thing that I never got that same advice or he and I would have been divorced a long time ago. I heard him tell her that I would call her later, which made me feel worse. I know she wants and needs to talk to me. Tomorrow, I’m going to work myself up for this conversation and give her a call.
After the phone call ends JR comes in the living room and sits down on the couch and looks at me. He says. “that was hard, I didn’t expect it to be so tough.” He is crying at this point. “That guys a piece of shit. She wants answers, I told her don’t call him. He’ll just lie or make you feel crazy. Make you feel like it isn’t that big of a deal. He’ll say it was just sex…it meant nothing.” “He’ll tell her all of the things that you told me…all of the same shit,” I replied. More tears, “Yes.”
We discussed how he found it so difficult to give the advice that he needed to give as a dad because he was also a cheater. It was hard for me to see the pain on his face while we discussed this. He told me how he hates knowing that she has been hurt, he can’t imagine her hurting the way he watched me hurt all of this time. He knows that a 6 month relationship is nothing close to a 22 year marriage, but it still hurts. He said that when they talked about it, it was hard because it made him feel like he cheated on her. I told him that in a way he did, I said you cheated on all of us. He ignored all of us while he was with Nikki.
It was a hard conversation to have with him. I felt myself start out being angry and saying mean things to him. I was taking pokes at him and he was hurting. After a few minutes of watching him in tears and seeing how distressed he was I softened to him and walked over to the couch sat down and held him. This is how I know that I am healing and truly forgiving him. It hurt me to see the pain he was in. He did find the positive in it by realizing that she wanted to talk to him about it, she brought it up. I told him of course she does, she still respects and wants his opinions. He is her dad and would never steer her in the wrong direction, he loves her, and she knows this. He looked at me when I grabbed him and told me he truly is sorry and I know that he is…he really is.
I know this was a difficult night for JR, and I know that my daughter is hurting, however I can’t help but be grateful that JR had to deal with this. The last thing that any parent wants is for their child to hurt. JR has now had to look at infidelity in a whole new light. He had to “put the shoe on the other foot” so to speak. Though the circumstances that got him to this place were not ideal, it was a good thing for him to have to do. Tomorrow I will do what any other mother would do in my position. I will tell my daughter to walk away and never look back. I will tell her to be grateful that she found out what a slime bag he is before she got in even deeper. She is young, beautiful and extremely smart…she will be just fine. We will all be just fine.