Putting The Shoe On The Other Foot…

This has been an interesting day. It actually began yesterday. We had to spend the day in hometown with our youngest daughter, trading in her car. While we were at lunch I get a text from my oldest daughter that says she broke up with her boyfriend…he was cheating on her. We were at lunch with JR’s mom, step-dad, sister and our youngest daughter. We were just talking about our oldest when I got the text. It took me by surprise and I quickly mentioned it to JR and then changed the subject. No more was said about it after that. We ended up getting home really late and just the emotion from the day in hometown made me feel exhausted. JR and I didn’t talk much on the way home. I actually handled hometown better than I have in the past and I felt pretty good, tired, but good. The minute we pulled into our driveway this funk just over came me that I can’t describe. I had been “in the mood” all day, and the minute we got home that feeling vanished. We did end up having sex but my heart wasn’t in it and it was just so so for me, though JR did seem quite pleased. I guess that’s one positive.

Later I was talking with JR and I was explaining to him how I felt when we got home. I’m not sure if he really understands my feelings, but I know he tries. I explained that I have done the most grieving in this home. I have shed the most tears in this home. Some of our worst fights have happened in this home. JR left me for 4 days and stayed in a hotel while we are in this home. It was the only time that leaving was his idea instead of mine. He thought I needed some space, he was right at the time…I remember it was during my period of extreme anger. I hated him, I couldn’t stand to be near him at that time. I know that the immediate after shocks of the affair were the worst, but I was on that “gotta win my man back” high that some of us experience immediately after the affair comes out. It doesn’t allow you to feel things with your true feelings. This house has never felt like a home to me…it was just a place to be for a time. I am so grateful to be leaving all of this negative energy here and moving someplace new in a little over a week. I plan on making very good memories there and creating a home.

Now, back to the topic of this post. I feel like a really shitty mother. I have yet to talk to my daughter about her break-up and the cheating dirtbag boyfriend. I am avoiding her. It’s such a touchy topic for me. I don’t know how to give her advice without sounding like a complete hypocrite. I want to tell her to never speak to that asshole again. She is way to good for him. Run while you have the chance. If he did it now, he will do it again. He never loved you. It’s only been 6 months and he’s already cheating. Fucking bastard. I want to tell her all of the awful things that I have worked so hard not to believe about JR, her father. The things that I told myself in the beginning and have worked so hard to replace with hope, love and trust. So I have managed to avoid her for two days, and now I feel like a piece of shit myself.

JR came home from work and asked had I talked to oldest daughter. I said no. I have been very busy with moving stuff, so no time for phone calls. I went about my business and some time later I realized that JR was on the phone. I was in our chair printing something on the laptop and JR was in the sunroom and I could just overhear his conversation. He was talking to oldest daughter about her boyfriend cheating. I hear him tell her not to call him and ask him why he did it…that she would never get the answers she needed and wanted. He told her to just be done with him. I was shocked and started to feel angry, even though I agreed with her being done with the guy. I walked in there and told him that it’s a good thing that I never got that same advice or he and I would have been divorced a long time ago. I heard him tell her that I would call her later, which made me feel worse. I know she wants and needs to talk to me. Tomorrow, I’m going to work myself up for this conversation and give her a call.

After the phone call ends JR comes in the living room and sits down on the couch and looks at me. He says. “that was hard, I didn’t expect it to be so tough.” He is crying at this point. “That guys a piece of shit. She wants answers, I told her don’t call him. He’ll just lie or make you feel crazy. Make you feel like it isn’t that big of a deal. He’ll say it was just sex…it meant nothing.” “He’ll tell her all of the things that you told me…all of the same shit,” I replied. More tears, “Yes.”

We discussed how he found it so difficult to give the advice that he needed to give as a dad because he was also a cheater. It was hard for me to see the pain on his face while we discussed this. He told me how he hates knowing that she has been hurt, he can’t imagine her hurting the way he watched me hurt all of this time. He knows that a 6 month relationship is nothing close to a 22 year marriage, but it still hurts. He said that when they talked about it, it was hard because it made him feel like he cheated on her. I told him that in a way he did, I said you cheated on all of us. He ignored all of us while he was with Nikki. 

It was a hard conversation to have with him. I felt myself start out being angry and saying mean things to him. I was taking pokes at him and he was hurting. After a few minutes of watching him in tears and seeing how distressed he was I softened to him and walked over to the couch sat down and held him. This is how I know that I am healing and truly forgiving him. It hurt me to see the pain he was in. He did find the positive in it by realizing that she wanted to talk to him about it, she brought it up. I told him of course she does, she still respects and wants his opinions. He is her dad and would never steer her in the wrong direction, he loves her, and she knows this. He looked at me when I grabbed him and told me he truly is sorry and I know that he is…he really is. 

I know this was a difficult night for JR, and I know that my daughter is hurting, however I can’t help but be grateful that JR had to deal with this. The last thing that any parent wants is for their child to hurt. JR has now had to look at infidelity in a whole new light. He had to “put the shoe on the other foot” so to speak. Though the circumstances that got him to this place were not ideal, it was a good thing for him to have to do. Tomorrow I will do what any other mother would do in my position. I will tell my daughter to walk away and never look back. I will tell her to be grateful that she found out what a slime bag he is before she got in even deeper. She is young, beautiful and extremely smart…she will be just fine. We will all be just fine.

 

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11 Responses to Putting The Shoe On The Other Foot…

  1. Flaca says:

    This made me cry. As the mother of two daughters I fear that this fate of mine might follow them as I seemingly inherited it from mother and grandmother. I am torn. The independent woman in me says I too should have moved on and not tried to find the answers. The wife who wants to save my family is consumed by the pain I feel for my husbands shame and pain. It’s hard. Why couldn’t our husbands forsee the destruction and pain they were about to unleash on their families before they gave in to their selfish lust? Sending you strength and best wishes for your mother/daughter talk tomorrow.

  2. Trish says:

    My heart broke a little bit while reading this. My first instinct would be to tell her to never talk to him again too, even though I’m staying in a relationship with a cheater. It does feel hypocritical. But when you get down to it there IS a difference between a six month old relationship and a 22 year one that has spawned a family. You do things to keep a family together that you never thought you would. I hope you continue to find peace, especially in a fresh home.

  3. Still Loving Him says:

    I’ve asked my husband so many times how he would feel if this happened to our daughter, he says I’d want to kill the guy. Really? What a hypocrite.

    My husbands infidelity actually had an opposite effect on my daughter. Shortly after she found out about my husbands infidelity she started confiding in a guy at work who was also her ex-boyfriend. She’d had the same boyfriend for 3 years, they’d made long term plans together, they were attached at the hip. Confiding in the guy at work turned into cheating, she told me what she was doing every step of the way. I begged her to stop but it’s like she was hell bent on destruction. Her Mom and been hurt, she had been hurt by this man who had adopted her and acted as her father for 11 years, so she had to hurt someone in return. Hurt people hurt people. Thankfully she and her boyfriend reconciled after 3 months of her being with the guy from work. She knows now that she was acting out because of what had happened to me and how it affected her.

    Infidelity affects the entire family.

    I’m glad you felt sympathy for JR. I have moments of that but most of the time I just feel empty.

  4. I have those same fears for my children too. Sad thing is I think my oldest step-daughter is cheating or has cheated with her business partner but no way to prove it. My son is living with her and came to me and says she was seen walking the park with him and that when they drove by house and saw his car they kept driving. then she called to ask why he was home from school. Lee’s middle daughter was living with her boyfriend in her mothers house, had a baby then they decided to get married. One month later he is leaving her for someone he worked with. She’s married to an awesome man now and her cheater husband married his AP and is now married to her and has been for 19 years i think. The rare one that stayed together.

    When Lee’s affair came out I saw his brokenness like I have never seen before. When i left him to stay with friends and family for three weeks, he would send video’s of my dog and I could tell he had been crying. HIs whole world came tumbling down. He lost his job, didn’t know if I would stay, his children were so angry all 9 of them, he lost his career, he had to go public and lost his integrity. As angry and as broken as I was, I still felt compassion for him and did a lot of damage control with our kids and family. I didnt’ want anyone to hate him even though I didn’t know if I was going to stay. It was so hard because I was dealing with three pains, mine, his and our kids. But I saw something in him that gave me hope that he could change.

    I so wish you well on your talk with your daughter. Blessings!

  5. blogventer says:

    The biggest truth that stood out for me here was exactly what you pointed out, Kayboo: 6 months is way different from 22 years. And dating is way different from marriage. Dorkbutt-boyfriend showed his colors early; this is good. And the advice JR gave her was good. If you can’t talk to her now about it, maybe you should just tell her that — say that you are so upset about it that you can’t talk about it. Or just let her steer the conversation. Maybe she’ll want to be done with it, too, and just know that her mom loves her, even when she “can’t keep a man” (or whatever she’s thinking). I’m so glad you’re feeling the catharsis from you upcoming move. I’ll miss you, Kayboo! Please consider touching base once in a while…?

    Hugs! 🙂

  6. Bad husband says:

    I don’t think anyone considers cheating to be anything but wrong, but all too often it seems circumstances prevail. I have a genuine question – does punishing your husband make you feel any better? Hope the move brings you and your family happiness.

    • kayboo24 says:

      Yes, as a matter of fact, sometimes it does. Does cheating on your wife make you feel any better? Punishing him may be wrong, but so was him sticking his dick in another woman while he was still married to me. All the while telling me how much he loved me, etc. The thousands of lies that he told me for months, the money he spent on some whore, all wrong. By the way, the real punishment would have been if I would have divorced him. That’s the worse thing I could have done…his words, not mine. So I don’t think he minds that every once in a while I get very upset with him still.

  7. Molly says:

    Recently been through this myself. Year 26 together and my husband goes off & has an affair with a younger but heavy and obnoxious nurse from GA working in Chattanooga. I found out & studied the affair and realized he didn’t LOVE Laura – he, like so many who cheat, loved how she made him feel. She was (is) a master manipulator. Most younger women having affairs are. She sought him out BECAUSE he was married. She made him believe he was her everything when in fact she was also seeing TWO other married men. Using points from all her hotel nights, she took a fabulous trip to Hawaii last summer. While that alone wasn’t her only motivation, she used and still uses married men but she does it in a way that they think she is totally in love and enthralled with everything about them . I studied her, learned her family connections including emails & phone numbers. Before I even confronted my husband I was armed with lots of info & felt absolutely confident he would tearfully express sorrow and be grateful to end affair I was shocked to realize that even though he was sick & tired of the lies & double life, he was addicted to the high that being with her created. I guess I shouldn’t have been shocked. He hated certain things about her. They are political polar opposites and she’s outdoorsy and he isn’t. But that’s not what an affair is all about . The biggest problem is that he truly believed she was 100% in love with him and she had made him feel so guilty for messing with her, he didn’t know how to break up and more painfully, he was upset and angry that I informed him about the other two men! He left me one last night to go confront her! Time and distance later (been six months) he says I rescued him from the pit of sin and hell and his daily grateful. But he did need a few weeks of clear thinking. He said he wasn’t in love with her but was loving the completely devoted attention she gave him. Yes, it’s easy as pie to be completely devoted and adoring approximately once of twice a month. These women, especially the ones choosing to seek out married men, are master manipulators and will twist a man around her finger to tight his brain stops working. I had to recognize my part in this which wasn’t easy but it is honest. It could have been avoided & looking back I should have seen it coming but Laura was enticing and knew just what to do and say. We are thankfully, not infected with STDs and his vasectomy prevented an unwanted pregnancy. Laura is still manipulating martied men but when she realized I knew more about her than my husband, she has kept away from him. He feels ridiculous and ashamed and very very sorry. But it’s hard. Those moments she you think too much. Making love & realizing her head was on his shoulder. I hate her with passion in those moments, I know that doesn’t help but I’m human. I need affection and reassurance. He actually told her I was the love of his life and despite our troubles, he could never leave me. I’m angry because even after telling her THAT, he didn’t find it ODD that a 34 year old would be ok with it. A 34 year old who said she wanted a husband and children . He was so dumb and led by his penis he believed her lies that she loved him and was willing to give up sll her dreams. Yep, she was collecting vacation points and other goodies from THREE married men and in the process nearly ruined our family. Don’t be hard on yourself for those moments. But be truthful,

  8. Molly says:

    But regarding the kids, especially daughters, it’s very difficult. I wasn’t planning on telling them but our youngest of five (a daughter in her teens) head me on the phone to him begging him to come back as he drove away in anger to confront Laura. He explained later, he was irrationally angry at HER for causing him to mess up do badly. And while we both recognize her manipulation and evil ways, he is responsible for HIS actions, regardless of hers. She may be well versed in psychobabble, but it’s still no excuse for him. He knows that. For my part, I was ignoring our marriage not on purpose but just life sometimes gets in the way. He tried reconnecting and became frustrated and up pops Laura. She knew just how to take advantage. She bought him little things like socks and shirts & made him feel like she was the only one in the world to understand him. Our youngest daughter didn’t hear enough to know what happened only that it was a huge fight and I was upset. He’s had a lot if making up to do but is doing it with a good heart and in his right mind again.

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