I’m still here, and I’m better…

So here I find myself four years later. Today was my D-day. December 10, 2010, a day that I will never forget, the day my life changed forever. Since I have left the blogging world well over a year ago I have often thought about whether or not I would write on this day about my feelings and mine and JR’s journey. I have obviously decided that I will write. I think it’s important for the other couples going through this to find as much hope as they can, and I hope that’s what they will find here…HOPE.

Our journey hasn’t been easy, it has been absolute hell. In the beginning I thought I would die, I actually wanted to, for a very long time. I honestly can’t believe that the kind of pain I felt didn’t kill me, because it should. I believe at times even JR felt this way. Now that I can look back I know that the burden he bore through all of this was not easy for him. In many ways he lost even more than I did. He has faced many struggles over the past four years and still struggles to this day, we both do. Everyday we make a conscience decision to be better, to feel better, to do better. Some days we forget this gentle reminder, but thankfully those days are fewer and farther between.

I have just begun to reach a place where I am finding myself again. I was lost for a very long time, I was buried in grief and anger and sadness. I stopped living, stopped doing anything. I didn’t want anything or anyone in my life. I felt numb to everything. I knew I was in trouble when I didn’t even miss my daughter who lives so far away. I feared that my emotions would remain dead like this. I had stopped being a mother to my son who is now 15. I stopped being a friend, a sister, I wasn’t alive. Only in the last six months have I noticed a change happening in me. Only in even more recent months have I begun to really believe in a future with JR. I have just started to say again, that I’m in this for the long haul. I’m beginning to see our future in a positive light. Over the past four years I’ve often thought of leaving, of starting over. Every time I had these thoughts I always came back to my life with JR. I know him better than anyone and he knows me just as well. We have all of the comforts that come with a 26 year marriage. The thought of starting over with someone new just seemed pointless to me. I guess I just sat down one day and made a decision that I would stay here, in this, with him, until we get it all right. He is worth it, and I owe it to myself to be with the man my heart chose.

There was a time when I swore that nothing positive would ever come of this. Today I feel differently about that. The one thing that has been brought to my attention is that my marriage was not as perfect or wonderful as I thought it was. There were many flaws, ones I just chose to ignore. Today we are working towards a new relationship, a better one. I feel that our communication has greatly improved. We tell each other how we are feeling, what we need. We share more of our thoughts. We have reached a place where we can say anything to one another without being hurt or angry. We are both better listeners than we were before. We have both realized that we are still guarded in our relationship, we both still hold back sometimes. I hold back out of fear and he holds back out of guilt. The good thing is that we are actually talking about this now. Things are still far from being the way we want them to be between us but I know that we will get there in time.

I’m finally feeling like myself again because I’m finally feeling again. I have felt excitement, longing, joy, happiness, love, so many of the emotions I was missing. I miss my daughter and my niece and nephew again. I get excited now when I know they are coming to visit and I experience longing when they leave until our next visit. Just this past weekend I actually felt love in a way I can’t find words to explain. At times in our marriage JR and I have felt so close to one another, so connected, that has been missing for a long time. This past weekend we were at a formal dinner with friends and for the first time since the affair we connected in a way we haven’t. We had moments where we sat with our arms and hands wrapped in the others, we looked at each other and we talked, we laughed, we kissed, we whispered, we touched. We forgot about where we were and who was around. In those moments we were alone, we were connected. This has been the hardest thing to recover. It has also been the thing I have missed the most, it’s where true intimacy comes from. Sometimes I worried that it may not be possible to regain after all of the pain we had suffered. I’m so happy to know that it is still there, we just have to look harder to find it. I know that in time this will also get easier.

Today its been four years and I’m still here. I’m not sitting here crying, my day wasn’t wrecked. I haven’t obsessed about the past. Other than this post I haven’t thought much about it at all. I’m well, I’m happy, I’m at peace. I made the decision to be happy. I make that decision every single day. It is a choice, the same choice that we all have. For more than three years I was deciding to be sad, unhappy, broken, then one day I just decided I had felt that way long enough, and that I was done. Make the decision, decide to be happy every day and then do it!

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2 Responses to I’m still here, and I’m better…

  1. DJ says:

    I’m so glad to read this, my dear Kayboo! It’s good to know that sometimes it works out. There is hope.

  2. Kayboo, I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your blog. I came across it about a month after you stopped writing, and was in tears to read you were no longer going to write, when I came across your last blog.

    It has honestly helped my marriage so much. The rawness you shared, I asked my husband to read it himself, and found him in tears one day after he read one of your posts…He got it, he finally got it. Through your words he was able to see exactly how much pain I was feeling, and through that, I was able to truly beleieve his love for me through it all was real, which made my forgiving and trying to move forward with him a little easier. So Thank You. and I am so very happy to read you are doing well. Thank you for the update 🙂

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